Head Injury Theater

Oh my. Google+ and Other things.

2011-08-04T04:43:00.000-07:00

I figured I'd pop back over here to point you to where I've been blogging as of late. I'm kind of a Luddite but, weirdly enough, I accidentally made a Blog over at Google+. In reality I was just goofing around but then I looked up and realized if you just go to my Profile page, it's pretty much exactly what this Blog use to be ages ago. Which, considering this was also owned by Google, it kinda makes sense.

So yeah. Check it out. Apparently I'm much better at blathering about nothing there than I am here. Go figure.

CLICK THE LINK and continue Stalking: https://plus.google.com/110367953918386470600/posts

(And Yes, I'm still kinda a Twitter Whore. I can't badmouth Twitter too much though...when I sent the call-out for help when the crisis hit last year it was insane how fast people came to my Aid. Twitter paid for my food last December and, well, that's pretty cool. Oh, and we're much better now. But you know that already. I hope.)

-Jared, Just checking in.

An Update....Jared is Crazy & Terrible at Social Networking

2010-05-24T03:31:00.000-07:00

Hey freak jobs. I'm getting myself organized (which oddly involves therapy & medication, at least to some weird degree that I'm uncomfortable with) but I figured I'd give a show out over here on the Blog. If you've been checking it for updates and keep thinking I'm dead because the blog is....well, filled with the sound of crickets, my apologies.
If you want random chatter from me and my life, I've SOMEHOW kept up with Twitter. I'm not sure why but the Character Limit keeps me from going on & on and I talk about positively messed up things without going into too much detail. Check it out as I'm posting several times a day now...and I swear not to spam you with stories of what I had for dinner.

Click HERE for my Twits.
The site is still updating (almost) daily with new Art in the Strange Art section which never hurts and I'm gearing myself up for another Art Crash, Crazy "Please Buy a Random Bucket of Art" auction, and kind of giving the website a kick in the pants design-wise. I'm working on my 7th year of doing this (thank you, Not-Being-Able-To-Find-a-Real-Job-in-Berlin) and I noticed that at some point I stopped overhauling the website once a year. As such, dear LORD is it disorganized. Gotta Fix that.

Hell, I only recently noticed that the "About Me" page has literally never been updated since I started the site. You'd think I'd want to put Wizards of the Coast on my Resume, right? :adds to list:

So what else has been going on?
Well, I had my identity stolen a short while ago and had my bank account frozen due to it. This wouldn't be an issue if I didn't live in Germany...apparently the Bank wants to think I'm the pretender since the real guy is in the same state as my US Bank account. Madness I say!
As such I'm kind of scrambling & checking the couch for change in an attempt to have enough money to visit the states for GenCon and a bunch of other fun but also work related stuff. And while I will most likely be doing some weird fundraiser in the near future I'll still say it: If you want to buy something or need some goofy art, drop me a line. I'm terrible at pimping myself but you folks have been awesome when things imploded. I'm still not over a few fans replacing my computer when it melted back in '06. You guys rock and continue to do so.

Financial Dramas aside (I HATE talking about money), did you know that I have D&D T-shirts out there? Like, officially licensed merchandise?
Click HERE for Rust Monster T-Shirts
So very cool...and it's amusing that both the designs they bought to print were done back for myself on a whim. Life is surreal.

And while I mentioned it before, I did a ton of Art for Team Covenant & the first ever Monsterpocalypse-only Convention. I don't know how long the design will be up, but apparently one of my paintings took over their website. Click Here to See. They also did a lot of Live Streaming Video during the convention, which was fun to watch. I particularly enjoyed hearing folks applause & cheer as they got some of my paintings as prizes. Good Times.

Beyond that?
I discovered there's a Taxidermy Supply Store only 2 blocks from my house and they have a huge (and cheap) supply of dead insects and other creepy things. Currently I'm working on doing some Fairies using dead butterfly wings, but eventually I plan on suits of armor made out of Beetles and if you're a D&D nerd you'll like the Dracolich I plan on making out of Frog & Snake Bones. My art supplies just got so much more surreal.
(I'm also kind of excite about using exotic insects as Jewelry when I got out on the town in Berlin. Yes, I will be that guy with a Jade Assassin Bug pinned to his top hat.)

Of course, you'd already know all this if you were willing to repress the shame of using Twitter. I have and, while I still cry myself to sleep in the dark hours of the night when I think about it, I've grown to enjoy using it. So if you want to get to know me better, I say check it out. Though, if you've been paying attention to Head Injury Theater, you should know me pretty well already.

That and apparently my ADD only lets me be active on 1 social networking site at a time. For Forums, I can juggle two at once. Tops.
-Jared
...Who would say more about his personal crap but really, Blog posts seem so permanent and I honestly don't want you folks to know just how nutty I am. Here's a Hint though: When the site stops updating or I only paint skulls and people spitting their own teeth across the room...I've gone to the Dark Place. Sorry about that guys, I'll work on that.

PS: If you've been waiting for articles, there was a good sign this week: I wrote 6,000 words for a Dungeons & Dragons project. Hopefully they like it but really, it tells me that apparently some folks still find my words funny. Ego Boost = Yes, I'll probably write more. Just saying.

Garbage Art Auction Finale

2010-03-08T02:25:00.000-08:00

You guys are awesome. Final Congrats go to David for bidding more money than I was expecting and having to shiv a couple other bidders to walk away with the prize. Here's a picture of the pile slightly to tease but mostly to drive David crazy until he opens his mail in a week or so.

That's over 200 paintings (I think it's most likely around 217...I kept adding in other stuff as the bidding kept going up but I haven't re-counted since the original pile was created). Thank you, everyone. You, as previously stated, rock.

Oh and while I won't be previewing everything that was in the bundle, remember those two doodles I shared that were "work in progress" things? DungeonCrawler, the secret project I was working on went live...and that's what the werewolf image is from. Check it out:
http://www.dungeoncrawler.com/
I did a lot of art for this thing last year (and a little this year) and most of it I'm pretty proud of. Expect more of me pimping it in the future.

For those just curious to compare Werewolves, here's the image on my NewGrounds page. I wasn't thinking I was going to be too regular a contributor over there, but then I made the front page a couple of times and, well, my ego is easily stroked. :sigh:
http://www.newgrounds.com/art/view/ratsinthewall/dungeoncrawler-werewolf

Finally, for those still interested in getting more cheap old art from me, my goofy next "I need to get rid of paintings or throw them away" move will be all about the old Canvas paintings I have. It's a weird balance between selling them for almost nothing or repainting them. In the end I think I'll probably do a little bit of both. Other ideas include selling off theme bundles. Lord knows I've painted enough zombies, robots, angels, and fishmen to populate an entire fantasy setting's continent. But I digress. Expect a relaunch of my "I'm a Capitalist Whore" section where I casually peddle my wares. As opposed to my wears....I had no shame in peddling those Goblin Stompers. None at all.
-Jared
"who sucks at business, but is happy to find homes for all his homeless paintings"

Legend of Zelda, Art Project

2010-02-14T08:02:00.000-08:00

I'm weird and when I see triangle-shaped canvases, I get goofy ideas. Enjoy 4 paintings that are Link-related, with a fun gimmick. (Shared on the Blog because I'm already getting ready to dive back into the Daily Update schedule but not just yet.) Sooooo.....

Link

+ Zelda

+Ganon

+those jumpy spider things and eyebats that are in like every Zelda game....

And they all up to, the Triforce. (Forgive my crappy camera and its inability to take good pictures. Better picture soon to come but for now this'll do since I have to run out the door.)

And yes, with some creative nails in the wall you can hang them up like that. Don't know why, but I'm a sucker for canvases that match up in weird ways. I'm also a dork, spending too much time on this sort of thing on a lazy Sunday.
-Jared

Happy V-Day...

2010-02-12T16:45:00.000-08:00

My support for Valentine's Day is...a little weird. I'm celebrating it on Saturday with my wife and seeing the girlfriend on Sunday. So very surreal. Kind of a joke, but not. Instead of me chatting about it and getting embarrassingly awkward with the drama and other madness, enjoy some D&D-themed Valentine's Day Art.

Ah, the joys of callbacks. Yes, it is a remake of one of the 1st comics ever to go on the site back in 2003:
http://www.headinjurytheater.com/images/zombie%20pick%20up%20line%20jared%20hindman.jpg

Ah, good times. Next we'll be talking about how back in 2003 there weren't many folks preachy the power of Zombie Jesus and now it's commonplace. Or the sheer volume of bootleg Emo Emu pieces that live out in the digital world. Good times indeed.

-Jared

Monsterpocalypse Fun

2010-02-10T12:27:00.000-08:00

I'll post this over on the website next week but if you're a fanatic who reads the blog, (I lied, just updated the site, sorry fanatics) enjoy some fun art I did for the cool guys over at Team Covenant early. There will be more between me and them coming up in the future so, if you don't mind some collectible Kaiju madness, keep your eyes open.

Check it out:
http://teamcovenant.com/the-covenant-fan-art-gallery/

-Jared
"sharing random stuff"

Clive Barker still lurks beneath the surface...

2010-02-08T05:57:00.000-08:00

Did you know they made a remake of Hellraiser only for kids?

Oh come on. I can't be the only one who thought that when they saw the poster. Saw this advertised at the theatre around the corner and literally stood there laughing my ass off.
-Jared

Illustration Friday: Who else misses Mudmen?

2010-02-05T07:26:00.000-08:00

For kicks, I did a quick painting for Illustration Friday's "Muddy" theme. Enjoy:

And yeah, does anyone actually remember Mudmen in Dungeons & Dragons? If you hit them they'd explode and after 3 of them they'd drown you in their muddy, dirty post-exploded bodies. Classy.
-Jared

Garbage Art Auction: Fast Response Time

2010-02-05T04:44:00.000-08:00

Seriously guys, you rock. I was NOT expecting anyone to be too interested in the chance to spend money on something they don't get to see and that I was going to throw away...it lacks a certain amount of sense to me. So now, not even a day later we've gotten almost 20 bids and we reached the suggested price..something that I just threw out there, thinking it'd take a month to get up that high. I'm....flattered and shocked and thrilled and yeah. You guys rock. Still and again.
In that spirit, here are two pieces included in the Garbage Art Auction Bundle that have never appeared on the site before. Both are early sketches of a commission I did for a card game someone is putting together and they wanted a Werewolf. I can't show you the final product as the game hasn't been released yet (knock on wood) but I can share with you 2 of the early sketch pieces I did to get an idea of what I wanted out of a Werewolf. Enjoy and again, thanks for the support:

So yeah. Not all the stuff in the pile that's unseen is as finished as that, but hey, figured I'd throw you guys something for being interested. Oh and other fun fact: In the bundle is a painted cereal box of Count Chocula. Don't ask. It's in the bundle.
-Jared

PS: I'm shocked at the number of people who didn't realize all my OTHER stuff is for sale too. Not that I'm pimping that but posting this auction-type madness somehow brought that fact to the forefront of people's minds. Your support lets me get away with doing this guys and girls and, while I think you're crazy, I can't but thank you. I've had to dig through the whole collection 4 times in the last 24 hours to pull out some of the most obscure crap you guys want to put on your walls. You might be freaks, but at least you're my freaks.

Art Dumpster Diving: The Faux Auction

2010-02-04T09:55:00.000-08:00

Disclaimer: This idea is crazy. And terrible. But somehow, awesome.
UPDATE: New Deadline...ends February 22nd!

I paint a lot. I literally have thousands upon thousands of pieces in my collection and while I've sold hundreds (upon maybe hundreds) of them over the years, they stack up. And now...I'm out of room. Almost literally. This is kind of what you get when you do a horde of marathon art sessions. So while my policy is generally to keep everything like a pack rat, I went through the entire collection with the intent to make room. What I walked away with is a stack of 200 paintings that I was, with regret, going to part with. Then my business gnome/biggest fan made a suggestion: I offer the mystery box to anyone interested. So here's the deal, in straightforward language.

For Sale: 200+ random paintings/artwork. (Free Shipping, anywhere in the World)
Asking Price: $100 or Best offer/Highest Bid. Winner gets the bundle shipped to them on February 22nd...the bidding ends a week early!
Current Highest Bid: $160, 22nd bidder still plans on...I've lost track. Let me get back to you, but they'll use the art for something unsavory I'm sure. (I'll do my best to keep this bit current, boys and girls)

You: What the hell can I do with 200 of your reject paintings?
Me: Well, let's address the last part first.

They're not rejects. Well, some of them are. Some of them are early sketches for Opera paintings, Dungeons & Dragons work, as well as all types of completed art that I think I can or have done better since I painted it (I've painted a LOT of Devils & Fishmen over the years). 80% or so have appeared on the site, so they can't be all bad, right? It is an extremely eclectic bunch of pieces with work from almost every project I've worked on in the past 6 years. But yes, some of them do suck on toast and there's no way you'll be happy with each and every one. I mean, did you see what my art was like 6 years ago? What do you want for 50 cents?

What can you do with them? Here are some suggestions:
1. Wallpaper your Bedroom, for that authentic "batsqueak insane" warning sign everyone will be talking about for years.
2. Pretend to be me. After all, why else would you have 200+ paintings? Everyone knows crazy geek online painters get all the chicks (or dudes, if you're so inclined).
3. Give them to everyone for Christmas. Every Christmas, until you're dead. I mean, how many people need gifts?
4. Have physical proof of your gambling addiction. I mean...you bought art without seeing it? What's your problem?
5. Place them at murder locations to throw the police off your trail. Fun with Fingerprints!
6. Resell them for profit, saying they were done by your mentally retarded sibling, who is too sick to stand out in the mall parking lot, peddling watercolour pieces.
7. Litter with style.
8. Now that I'm getting corporate work...who knows, I might be famous one day (you know, real famous and not internet famous) and they might be worth something.
9. Alternately, you can kill me and suddenly they'll be worth more. Or at least in court you can use the pieces as evidence as to "Why he had to die". Visual aids always help!

So yeah. Are you crazy and a fan? Send an email to Jared@headinjurytheater.com with the following info:
Your Bid for the Bundle
Your Name so I can post who is literally my craziest fan on the About page
What you plan to do with the paintings

Such madness. I'm curious if the world is ready for random art bundles. Only time will tell.
-Jared

PS: Holy crap, I haven't updated the blog in...forever. Updated every day for 2 months but didn't do jack with the blog. Oh well. Sad fact is I'm an ADD poster child, particularly when it comes to online communication. When the blog is active, Facebook is silent. When FB is silent, Twitter sings (and still does at the moment in case you aren't chatting with me there). Hell, if you know me from forums you know I vanish for months on end because I'm on some other forum. I'm an unfaithful forum slut, I confess.

Edit: To answer ANOTHER jerk's question, yes you can buy them and then burn them. It'll make me sad but if you win you've paid the fee to know my tears. You people are twisted.

EditEdit: And yes, the painting of me holding a gun to a painting is in the bundle so the owner can prove they're insane.

EditEditEdit: Shipping is on me, guys and girls, because a) I forgot to mention it and b)I have no idea what it will be and c) I'm happy for these things to find a home/become someone else's problem.

RYZ: The Lost Interview

2009-11-17T08:21:00.000-08:00

Remember the Goblin Stompers? RYZ was kind enough to interview me way back when I won that competition a few months back but somehow, through their sporadic update schedule or due to something I said, the interview never got published. Now, with their permission, they've allowed me to reproduce said interview because, well, they'll never use it. I was kind of proud of it so, well, yeah. Enjoy, if you're curious.

RYZ: How long have you played D&D?

Jared: Actually I'm a new recruit to the D&D Army. I've played Dungeons & dragons for a little over 2 years, I think. It all came down to me making fun of some stupid monsters a few years ago and some D&D folk here in Berlin "dared" me to give it a shot. I fell for their clever trap and have been hooked on the game ever since. It taught me an important lesson: Be careful what you mock, it'll get you in the end.

RYZ: What was the inspiration behind your design?

When someone told me about the RYZ contest, I immediately knew I'd have to make Goblin Stompers from the Adventurer's Vault. The name alone is funny and I wanted to paint something that captured the horror on a minion's face whenever an adventurer comes stomping in. The fact that RYZ literally let me put a flattened Goblin on the sole of the shoe was the final nail in the "I must make Goblin Stompers" coffin.

As we grow older our influences constantly change. Have your influences changed, as you have grown older?

I don't know if I'm self-aware enough to really know what influences I've outgrown and which I haven't. I will say that when I moved to Germany the first thing that struck me was the powerful graffiti...I have no qualms in saying I've learned a lot from some of the unsung vandal artists out there.

Any Artist(s) excite you right now?

I'm embarrassed to say that I'm incredibly ignorant about what other artfolks are into these days. Seriously, guys and girls, I'm sorry. That said, I've made a great many friends who are digitl artists/entities in the webcomic scene and I'm constantly jealous of what they can do. Ryan Estrada's work ethic is definitely something I've emulated in years past and I STILL wish Dave Kelly would get back to doing the voodoo he does (did) so well.

Who, What, or Where do you find most inspiring?

Bad movies may potentially be the most inspiring thing I have in my creative ritual that is painting. Raised MST3K and weaned on the American (Cheesy) Horror Renaissance of the 1980's, a lot of random elements from some downright abysmal horror flicks show up when I'm working on something. Today's painting session was accompanied by watching the 1983 masterpiece "Arena" where a guy puts on some tight pants and wrestles people in rubber costumes in Space, followed by "Killer Klowns from Outer Space", which is, surprisingly, about killer clowns from outer space. People familiar with my work shouldn't be too surprised by this, I'm sure.

Do you prefer digital versus fine art or vice versa? What's your favorite medium to work in?

Oh, this is a trick question. I'm a Luddite when it comes to digital art. Beyond owning a scanner and some crude Photoshopping skills, I'm really just a painter who keeps putting his stuff online. I love digital art...because I can't do it. Like I said before, jealousy is a constant when looking at the work of others. As for a favorite medium...at the moment I would have to say Ink. It's messy and unforgiving, which makes it a lot of fun to play with.

Anything specific (colors, patterns, genres of Art) that you embrace or reject?

No one believes me, but I studied traditional painting and anatomy/perspective for years when I was younger. What did I learn? Realism is over-rated. It's an important skill set to be sure, but I think people should focus on painting what they feel & how they think. That sounds a bit like hippy-talk now that I reread what I've written here, but I'll stand by it.

Do you listen to music when you're creating? If so, what do you prefer?

If I'm not playing a movie in the background, there's definitely some music being played while I paint. I'm not proud of my musical tastes but I'm happy with anything that's visceral and fast. A lot of Goth Industrial (SanctuaryRadio.org is my best friend for this) and Mindless Self Indulgence (in particular) can be heard in an endless loop when I'm working.

Do you have a specific style that you are drawn to?

Anything that's expressive. If my style continues to evolve/devolve as it has over the past few years, I may end up just stabbing paint at a canvas and calling it a cartoon. Which is, for better or for worse, what some folks are saying I do already.

What are some of your favorite things to eat & drink? Do any of these things inspire your work?

I hate to admit it, but drinking definitely influences my work. Years ago as a joke/fundraiser I did something called "Art Smash Tequila", where I'd paint something, have a drink, and then paint something else, repeat the process until said process cannot be repeated. The results were interesting and more enlightening than I thought they would be and it's taught me that sometimes being uninhibited can be a benefit. I say sometimes. I'm not telling people to go out there and poison themselves for Art. Though, to be fair, many have done so before me to greater success and excess.

Do you collect anything? If so, is it Art related?

Right now I'd say I collect 3 things: Bad Movies, D&D Miniatures (I've a weakness for Plastic Elves, what can I say?) and my own paintings. It's my three big pastimes, each competing for space on my self.

What's the best or most interesting present you've ever received? Did this present encourage you to pursue Art?

While my first instinct is to mention the taxidermy armadillo I go for my 16th birthday, there's a better answer to that question. Six years ago I got a set of acrylic paints for Christmas from my wife as a "maybe you should try your hand at painting again" kind of gift. At the time I hadn't done anything Art-related (correction: Excluding Film, which is what I went to school for) since High School. A half-dozen years later I'm actually making a living playing with ink and paint. If I hadn't received that gift and started playing around with cartooning again, I wouldn't be where I am today.

What are you most proud of designing or creating?

A couple years back I got hired into designing some dresses/outfits for a budding fetish fashion company that was just getting started and wanted something weird. They ended up only making one dress (ever...the company did not do well) but it was one I designed out of metal plates. They hired a welder and actually built the thing. I don't know why, but seeing something of my design in 3 dimensions struck a chord. In a similar vein, I'm definitely excited to see the Goblin Stompers on someone's feet.

Any Interesting or Current Projects you're working on?

I've gotten a lot of attention over the past few months which has been great. The downside of which is that I've got lots of Non-Disclosure agreements bouncing around meaning I can't talk about them so much. That said, I've got a card game that I designed/illustrated YEARS ago that looks like it'll finally be getting a chance to go into print, a children's book project on the backburner, and am negotiating my 1st real gallery show, which is really thrilling.

If you could known for saying one thing, what would it be?

"The Enlightening Hand is So because it is on Fire."
Anything worthwhile is eventually going to burn out, but the pain of the flame makes you shine all the brighter. Kind of deep and weird (and maybe even pretentious) to hear from a guy making a living out of painting cross-eyed monsters, but it's what I like to believe.

Thanks for the questions and thanks for hosting such a fun contest. Definitely look forward to seeing what comes out of the RYZ community next.
-Jared

How Barbara Ehrenreich Ruined my Movie Night....

2009-10-16T05:25:00.000-07:00

Huge Disclaimer: As someone not living in the United States, I might not be the best person to be commenting about an author whose book carries the tagline: "How the Relentless Promotion of Positive Thinking Has Undermined America." Maybe the cult of Positive Thinking really is a USA-only thing. I haven't lived in the US for much time in the past 6 years, so maybe she's spot on. I'm still skeptical. Check out what I'm talking about:

Man, I love the Daily Show. I only just now rediscovered it because, well, I'm living in Germany. Yesterday was a day of watching "good things" so we started our little marathon of Prime Time TV and movies by watching the October 14th episode of The Daily Show, with guest Barbara Ehrenreich, the author of books I'd never heard of. (You can watch the episode online by clicking HERE).
If you're not into watching episodes online (legally, I might add!), check out this Blog post of her's by clicking HERE.

Check it out and form your own opinion. The issue I have with it is that she seems to be against Positive Thinking as a religion...she talks at length about hippy-esque positive energy being able to shape the world around them but it's this horrible over-generalization. I don't know if I'm articulating this properly....but basically she's against telling people who are sick, depressed, or out of work to "Stay positive". She's potentially the most cynical person I know. Which is awesome, but her attitude toward the "Evil" of positive thinking as a whole is what left a bad taste in my mouth. Again, I don't know if she's really against ALL positive thinking but that's pretty much what she says.

So I'm watching Star Trek and Spock tells the captain that there's only a 4% chance that they'll be able to survive. Kirk tells Spock that "Everything will be Alright". Me and my older woman immediate chime in "THE EVIL OF POSITIVE THINKING!" in unison.

From her Blog:

"When it comes to how we think, “negative” is not the only alternative to “positive.” As the case histories of depressives show, consistent pessimism can be just as baseless and deluded as its opposite. The alternative to both is realism – seeing the risks, having the courage to bear bad news, and being prepared for famine as well as plenty."

The problem is that in our fiction and sometimes in reality, we're surrounded by horrible, overwhelming odds that if we're realistic, there's not hope. Sure it's more heroic to think you're most likely going to die, but Barbara is apparently against telling people who are about to die "everything will be fine." Which is noble, in a way, but next time you watch a movie and something bad happens see how quickly the hero uses the deception of Positive Thinking. Sorry hero, most likely we're all going to horribly die. I keep looking at Star Wars and, when I think about it, C3PO was the most realistic character in that movie, because he kept going on and on about how he was going to die. Other random things:

"As God as my witness, I will never go hungry again."
-Postive Thinking from Gone with the Wind (Evil, OMG!)

Mr. Rad: Get yo' head up. You lost the money, it's gone. But, you can't lay around in yo' misery too long. Do *not* walk outta' this place and start to second guess yo' talent. You got yo' ass whooped tonight. But, I done seen y'all whoop a many a ass, right in the same place. Now, you lost. Lemme tell you somethin' my father told me, is: "If it don't kill you, it makes you stronger". Remember that.
-From "You Got Served" (I have no idea if this is positive thinking or realism, but since not all things that don't kill you make you stronger, I'm going to hedge my bet and put it over onto the side of wicked deception.)

And that's me rambling. Read her Blog, watch the interview, and maybe read her book. I know I will just because of the sheer thought she's inspired in my own home. She's awesome but, unless she just sucks at explaining her point in a concise fashion, she seems to also be very wrong...at least in my experience. When reality sucks, being realistic borders on suicidal. If I didn't believe that one day I'd be able to make a living doing what I love, I would have given up on painting and gone back to that well-paying office job I had years ago.
And again, I'm sure I'm misunderstanding her point. She seems to be speaking from personal experience involving economics and self-help cults, but at the same time she lashes out against Positive Thinking itself, which is why she's created so much energy to talk about her.
-Jared
"Who thought HE was Cynical until he learned who Barbara was"

Edit:
Why am I reminded of the Nihilist philosophic arguments of the late 1970's? If you studied philosophy or are familiar with John Gardner's Grendel, then you may very well know why they spring to mind.

And this is telling. From Barbara's Bio that's outdated and obviously talking about her new book:

"I’m now researching for a book on what I call “the cult of cheerfulness,” which requires Americans to “think positively” rather than to take positive action for change"

If she'd said that at some point with any conviction, it would have saved me a lot of hilarious "How Can you Be So Wrong" moments yesterday. Positive Action for Change? Awesome. Being Realistic when you can't do anything about it, such as when you have cancer? Less Awesome. There's still some weird mixed messages there, but I think ultimately she meant to do good with her joy-killing tome. Only time will tell.

Twitter: I am not Proud

2009-10-13T15:04:00.000-07:00

Yep. I'm on Twitter. I'm not sure if it's a serious affliction or not, but I am giving it a try. That is all.

-Jared

Edit: By the way, thanks for all the great monster and movie suggestions. Some of them have already been assimilated and are, in fact, amaaaaazing. You all rock.

Women talk about Teeth: A follow-up.

2009-10-10T08:04:00.000-07:00

Last year, I reviewed a movie about a penis-eating vagingo called Teeth. (The movie was called that, the crotch in question was never specifically given a name.) At the end of said review, I asked any female readers to write in and let me know what they thought. I've finally dug through all the emails and grabbed twenty of them for sharing. Huzzah, delayed action!
http://www.headinjurytheater.com/article93a.htm

All in all it's an interesting read. Don't be afraid to follow the links found there either. Otherwise you won't see the amazing Anti-Rape device that literally puts teeth in the user's groin. I'd include a picture, but last time I posted something that even LOOKED like a sex toy, my hosting people hit me on the head with a hammer. It's not a sex toy but it's like an evil reverse condom. With Fangs. Check it out, it's amaaaazing.
-Jared

PS: Here's a link to the original article, in case you missed it and want to start at the beginning.
http://www.headinjurytheater.com/article93.htm

Oh and yes: Halloween is going to be taking over. Keep the suggestions coming guys and girls, they're great (See below post for more info).

Halloween 2009: Oh My.

2009-10-08T13:51:00.000-07:00

If you saw the banner this week, you understand this year's Halloween season in a nutshell. Basically I have a LOT of crap coming due this month. Even worse, I can only tell you about it when it comes out, not before...otherwise I don't get paid or worse, according to my contract: Sued. Right now I literally have 4 different big projects floating around, all of which are pretty much due by the the end of the month. What does that mean?
It means I suck, but I'll make up for it. Remember how I failed last year and Halloween seemed to last until Xmas? Well, this time, I'm going to keep it Halloween themed until Christmas. Think I rip off Tim Burton's Style? Fine, I'll roll with crossing Christmas and Halloween; my Kwanzaa pumpkin will rock all your asses the hell right off. (I'm not sure what that means either, but I'm rolling with it.)

In the meantime, feel free to suggest both movies and monsters. After 5 years of doing a different monster every day of October without any repeats, I feel like I'm hitting the bottom of the barrel. Hell, my proposed list right now contains the goofy mutant snakeman from the G.I. Joe movie (from the 80's), so ...yeah. I might need some suggestions. Mini-movie reviews and Monster art should start appearing next week (:crosses fingers) but for those hoping for more articles, here's my stack of things to review (hopefully) by the end of the year:

The Halloween that Almost Wasn't
The Last Halloween (Spacemen need our Candy to return home!)
The Creeps (Dracula the Dwarf Meets Half-Sized Wolfman)
Gargoyles (Because every Gargoyle should ride a horse and read Victorian Erotica)
Night Trap the Movie (A Game so Nice, Sega sold it Twice)
Chud 2: Bud the Chud. (Zombie Poodle, no relation to CHUD)
House of the Dead 2 (I reviewed the original, would you believe the sequel is worse?)
The Entire Pumpkinhead Series (Because how many movies remain)
Friday the 13th, the Remake (Because my list of all of Jason's Kills needs to be updated)
Ice Cream Man (A Clint Howard Vehicle. Jesus, "Clint Howard Vehicle" is a scary enough movie title if you know who he is.)
Evil Bong 2: King Bong (Yes. Very Very Yes)
Link (Chimps with knifes are gonna cut you up.)
Monstrous Humanoids from the Deep (Best. Fishman Movie. Ever.)
The Convent ("If we have Gay sex, they can't sacrifice us because we won't be virgins. O_O )

....That's more movies than I've reviewed in the past year thanks to stupid depression that I do my best to not talk about on the website lest I sound like an emo crybaby who takes too many pills. That said, I'm optimistic and have my old work ethic back. You can't tell, because it's all secret pay work, sadly, but I'm in good shape. :thumbs up:

Oh and by Christmas Time we'll start bleeding into other season gifts. In the meantime, feel free to send me suggestions. I'll get to them, but Halloween officially happens when a fat man comes down the chimney to smash all my pumpkins. Because GOD damn it I won't have my Halloween stolen from me. Not this year.
-Jared

PS: If you sent me a picture last year and I never got the crappy thing up, I'll be dusting off those sketches and finished them up. I promised to do that and, as God as my witness (Hi God!) I'll keep that promise.

PSS: Thanks again to Dan for suggesting the obvious. Pumpkins and Horror Movies FOREVER.

Illustration Friday: Pattern Fun

2009-09-25T09:11:00.000-07:00

Haven't done Illustration Friday for a while, so here goes, with hue-changing Photoshop Triplicate. Still working on secret corporate stuff, but figured a quick side thing couldn't hurt.

Huttah. When I was a little kid I'd do a lot of paintings like this, but they often had bombs and skulls in the middle of them. The joys of classroom doodles revisited, I suppose.

-Jared

Head Injury Theater Goes Back to 2003!

2009-09-23T18:12:00.000-07:00

I said I'd do it for filler if need be and, well, here you go...for better or for worse.

Click Here to see the horror.

Don't judge me.
Or start stalking Sara.
-Jared

PS:
And no, I won't put you in contact with Sara. Perverts.
Seriously, the article has only been up for 10 minutes and already I've got two "can I have her last name so I can find her on Facebook" emails. I'm proud of you guys. You work fast. You're creepy, but efficient, which is the best I can hope for, really.

A Teaser...

2009-09-10T15:12:00.000-07:00

Jet Lag is at an end and a horrible/wonderful realization has set upon me: I'm really, really busy. Seriously, I've got a lot of painting to do in a short period of time. It's awesome but the catch is: Since it's corporate work I can't share it. There will be something on the site next Wednesday, but I wanted to let you guys know that I'm not going on Hiatus or missing updates due to not caring. You know, because if it weren't for freaks like you I couldn't be doing what I'm doing. Which is awesome.

As a horrible reward/penance, I'll be uploading my terrible fetish photography that I did years and years ago that I swore I wouldn't ever share. There's something to be said about being the guy people go to when they want "artsy" smutty pictures. There's nothing pornographic, but it's hilarious what I did as the Grand Artiste of panty shots. Here's a tease, more next week (for better or for worse), taken during my "Pretentious Artist Helps Friends Become Suicide Girls" phase:

"So...yeah. You put on high heels and lingerie and I'll...stand on top of you and throw Xmas lights at you. Huzzah, ART!"

I find it hilarious that despite going to film school, I suck at taking pictures.
-Jared

PS: Work or No Work, I do plan on making up for the fiasco that was last year's Halloween Failure. I'm not sure how exactly, but I did want to throw that out there.

I Live! (Sort of)

2009-08-26T10:47:00.000-07:00

Wow. I can't believe how busy my vacation has been. I don't have much time now but I do have SOME time so here's a quick rundown. The weird thing is how few opportunities I've had to get online in the past couple weeks....for someone who lives online it's hilarious to be so cut off from the digital realm. Were I to have neopets right now, they'd have starved long ago. So, Stuff!

1. GenCon. Wow. Just Wow.
My first convention and I had no idea what to expect. Things I learned:
#1: I suck at playing D&D Miniatures. I thought I was good but upon meeting American players I was ground into a fine pulp, snorted through a dirty rolled-up twenty, and used for nefarious purposes. It was hilarious how bad a player I was. I had a heck of a lot of fun but yeah, twas brutal.

#2: The Wizards folks are awesome. I can't talk too much about it but everyone was super-receptive, nice, and definitely into the geeky crap that I do. Well, most of them. I did have a drunken mishap explaining to a certain Forgotten Realms Designers and implying he didn't know about D&D having a website. Was a fun cross between hilarious and RPG-career suicide. Not really, but it was fun in a doom-filled kind of way.
Long story short, I've got some more geek-work in my future. I met everyone I was supposed to (and then some) and fun future projects were discussed. Fingers-Crossed and looking forward to hammering them out when I return to Berlin.

#3: Crap, the laptop's battery is about to die and I'm not even a quarter through all the stuff I need to share. More later. In the meantime, let me just show you two places where you can hear my voice:

Critical Hits let me aim some goofy questions at D&D Wizard James Wyatt. I wasn't supposed to talk but, well, I couldn't help it.

Also, I did a audio commentary with the Jerks for Dark Crystal and Tobe Hooper's Mortuary. Check them out if you dare.

More later guys...sorry for the radio silence. Vacation has been ...surreal. But fruitful.
(And if you've emailed me and I haven't written back but are reading this, know it's because of battery doom and that I've got a LOT of emails to respond to.)
-Jared

Vaction Begins: Geneva Convention!

2009-08-10T16:04:00.000-07:00

Fun Fact I'm surprised not every geek knows: GenCon is actually named "Geneva Convention" because the original was held by Gary Gygax in a house on Lake Geneva. I still think calling it the Geneva Convention would be cooler than GenCon, but apparently the "War Treaties of World History" commission would sue the pants off everyone. Go figure. Still, Geneva Convention, here I come.

Not much else to say, guys. In a number of hours I'll be flying to the states to enjoy the luxuries that are all things GenCon. I plan on posting in the Blog a few times while I'm away...some fun stuff is planned. One of my GenCon days I'll be doing an hourly comic since I haven't done those in forever and it should be educational.

One thing I'll be doing at GenCon that I'm stupid excited about: Morton's List. If you don't know what this is, you need to fix it. Even worse: If you find me at GenCon and challenge me to a game of Morton's List, I'm honor-bound to play with you then and there, for better or for worse. You were warned.

By the by, if you're going to GenCon and want to hunt me down, look for the goofy tall guy with the Blonde and Blue hair, boots, and a goofy "My Art is What Brought me here, how cool is that" expression on his face. Even if GenCon blows donkey, this is a great vacation already.
Life. Is. Good.
-Jared

Goblin Stompers: We have a Winner.

2009-08-05T01:16:00.000-07:00

They're here. When I first entered the contest, it was a the request of a forum buddy (never leave your buddy behind, particularly when on a field trip). Community response kind of instilled this "hey, they might actually go for some goofy Goblin shoes" and hopes got up.
Today, they announced the winners.

And yes, I won (2nd place but still!).

Announcement (and other 2 winners) can be found by clicking HERE.

Want to pre-Order Goblin Stompers? Click Here, you zany rapscallion.

Again, you guys rock.
-Jared
"who uses weird totally stupid words like Rapscallion when he is giggling from contest-winning excitement"

Edit: Oh and in case you're into Dungeons & Dragons Miniatures (like I am...I'm a dork) I did a couple of designs for the DDM Guild's Cafe Press shop. My own will be updating but in the meantime check it out. Oh and "I play with Plastic Elves" is literally what I tell people when they ask about my geek hobby.
Click HERE, Sailor! (You're in the Navy now, just roll with me here. Seriously, you're ruining the mood. Salute, damn you, salute!)

Secret Project #X-2 revealed...

2009-08-03T14:14:00.000-07:00

It's not that big a deal, but yeah, it totally is. Check out the Dungeons & Dragons Website and see if you see anything familiar.
CLICK HERE, ADVENTURER!
Over the course of the next month they'll be unveiling the entire 40-piece set of Legendary Evil paintings and, well, those pieces belong to a rare breed that won't be appearing on my website because they were commissioned by someone else and they belong to them. Which is awesome. I'm proud of them so, even if my website's not updating because I'm on vacation, new art of mine will still be coming out if you know where to look.

Which is awesome.
-Jared

GenCon's a'comin', Jerks, and Sleepaway Sexual Repression

2009-07-30T05:40:00.000-07:00

So, 3 things and I'll keep it quick since I'm in crazy busy mode. (Currently on my worktable: Drunken D&D Art, GenCon requests, an illustration for an elementary school library, a Canvas full of Kobolds, MORE D&D-type art, and, well, other stuff that can't be summarized. All to be done by next week.)

Issue #1: GenCon & my vacation.
Starting the week of August 12th, I'm going to be away from my studio/home in Berlin until September 5th or so. I'll be uploading things to the Blog since it'll be difficult (but not impossible) for me to update to the website, at least for the first few weeks of wanderlust. From previous experience I know that if I don't keep up the art while I'm on vacation I have trouble getting back into the routine when I return, so expect some weird stuff doodled on hotel napkins, backs of character sheets, and, well, people's body parts.
(Totally Reminded of a particular bit of fanfare:)

So....yeah.

I'll be posting an illustrated Guide to how to stalk me while I'm on vacation, since I'll be trying to meet up with a HELL of a lot of people. The short version (and email me if we're supposed to meet and I've somehow forgotten you):
August 11-17th: I'm in Indy meeting Geek Folk, selling paintings under the table, and doing something with some Jerks (See Topic of Interest #2)
August 17th - 24th: I'll be in Update New York (Mostly), the Binghamton Tri-Cities area in particular. Meeting folks and frolicing with old friends.
August 25th - September 5th: I'll be in Jacksonville Florida meeting family (my sister keeps creating spawn) and attempting to bribe some judges for a certain art contest.

Issue #2: Jerks in the Backrow.

If you haven't seen the new button on the Links page, check it out. Or just click HERE to see the Jerks. Cool guys and I'll be hanging with them one evening in Indy doing exactly what I'm not completely sure yet but I do know ONE thing we'll be doing.
I got invited to make fun of The Dark Crystal. Blasphemy and Terrible things are almost guaranteed to ensue.

Issue #3: Sleepaway Camp. Finally.
Click HERE, damn you.

Issue #Bonus:

Thanks to everyone who voted in the RYZ "Dungeons and Dragons" shoe contest. We won't find out who won until this Monday, but making the final round was more than groovy as was the sheer volume of folks who asked me to make these even if I don't win. As cool as that sounds, I've no idea how to go about that. But:
Thanks again. You guys are awesome and reminding me I really need to get off my ass and find a better shop to put designs on. Again: You Rock.

And, that, is it for today.
-Jared

Horror or Porn: You Decide.

2009-07-17T05:27:00.000-07:00

It's been YEARS since I sat down and made fun of pornography properly ...yet just today I got another email of "You have to totally see this terrible, terrible movie." I won't tell you guys much about it, but I will share the poster for it.
Porno or Horror film?

Dear God, looking at it....it could be a prequel to TEETH. And that's not a good thing.

Just wanted to share the pain.
-Jared
"who gets more emails concerning ye olde pornographic nightmare fuel than he cares to admit"

PS: If you're having sex and it makes the "BOING" noise, you're doing something very wrong. Or fooling around with a clown which is, if you'll remember, very VERY wrong.

Goblin Stompers....Today!

2009-07-14T16:21:00.000-07:00

Did you know voting for the Dungeons & Dragons Contest started today? You didn't? Did you want some Goblin Stompers?

Fine. You don't have to vote for me but at least vote. It's an awesome contest and I have a sneaking suspicion the contest didn't get as much action and attention as Wizards was hoping/expecting it to. But hey, voting! Go, now!
Click HERE!
-Jared

Oh and to everyone who thinks I should forget the contest and just print up my own shoes: You're crazy. The one thing I'm the worst at (besides painting a straight line) is research on how to make money with my Art. It's a good idea but man, I suck. Right now I've been stumped the past few days just on how to get Business Cards made up.

Edit: By the way, it's become clear that a lot of people don't get what RYZ is. Hell, I entered the contest before even reading up on it. Check out their Launch Video on Youtube. It kind of explains the whole gimmick and, well, sort of makes you feel warm and fuzzy for being part of it. The shoes are pretty darn expensive by my standards but, well, I'm a ghetto artist who just goofs around with paints. What do I know? Check them out all the same:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=56TKzUoU1GY

Goblin Stompers

2009-07-08T06:26:00.000-07:00

I can't talk about what I'm working on these days due to a hefty Non-Disclosure Agreement (which oddly enough isn't bothered with me disclosing the fact that such Non-Disclosure exists) but I can throw a random side project/contest thing your way. If you play Dungeons & Dragons, then you might know about a Magic Shoe known as Goblin Stompers. They totally suck as far as magical Items go, but when this Dungeons & Dragons "Design your Own Shoe" contest showed up, they were the first things that came to mind.

Check out the link to look through the "virtual" shoe's design. I'm particularly proud of the inside and bottom of the shoe. Not thrilled with the actual art here, but man, having crushed goblins on the bottom of your feet can't help but bring a smile to my face. Yeah, I'm a dork.

Click HERE to see the Goblin Stompers.

Oh and there's voting starting July 15th. I won't tell you to vote for my shoes but I do at least encourage you to vote. There's some fun designs there and hell, I'd actually wear a few of those.
(Because, as previously established, I'm a big dork.)
-Jared

PS: Super Secret Project has me distracted so the Sleepaway Camp article and the "Man, I really should get around to reviewing all those Michael Jackson films" article I was hoping to do will be, as usual, a little off schedule. Trust me, when it all goes public next month or so you'll forgive me for being a corporate whore. Maybe.

Digg.com or, How I learned to Love the F-Bomb

2009-06-24T16:51:00.000-07:00

There's a reason I don't go into detail about what the hell is going on in my personal life. While the internet is filled with all sorts of people, the a-holes are always the one that somehow float to the top (no offense). I always save the very best insults (see my "About" page for instance) but a friend pointed out that Digg.com picked up on my "Alphabet of Excuses" last August. I kind of regretted putting it up at the time but I figured what the hell. It might not be my best work (seriously I did the whole thing in like an hour) but it's not like there's a group of people who are going to tear me a new orifice for it, right?

Wrong. Read the comments....they're amazing. And by Amazing I mean....God I don't know what I mean. Nothing is more humbling than reading hundreds of strangers telling you how much you suck. In response I was going to put together an Alphabet using only insults used by Digg.com users. Funnily enough I was able to fill out the entire thing minus a Q, a V, and an X. Then I realized that putting that much energy into insults isn't the healthiest of things and, knowing my luck, THAT alphabet would get hit by Digg and then the retalitory insults would begin. That's almost appealing but....yeah. I'm so very glad I got over the hatemail thing years ago.

The Almost-Alphabet of Digg.com Hate:
A is for Annoying Whiny Art Kids
B is for B-Side by Ralph Steadman, who I rip off.
C is for Confused
D is for Don Hertzfeld, who I also rip off.
E is for Edward Gorey, who I ALSO rip off.
F is for Failure at Life and Art
G is for Gerald Scarfe who I OMG ALSO RIP OFF
H is for Holy WTF
I is for Not Interesting or Good
J is for "Jared has AIDS"
K is for KKK
L is for Lame
M is for Mirror Site, this one sucks
N is for Narcissistic
O is for OMG
P is for Psychiatrist, get one Dude!
Q is for Quite a Lot of Hate
R is for Retarded Popular People
S is for Salad Fingers WHO I RIP OFF DEAR GOD
T is for Tab, Which I Closed After C
U is for Unfunny Emo F$#k
V is for Jhonen Vasquez, who I ALSO RIP OFF OMG THE HELL
W is for Weak
X is for XXX Porn links?
Y is for You just don't get it, do you?
Z is for zombwtf

Check it out by clicking HERE. Seriously.

(OH and before I was convinced to NOT work on the Alphabet I actually got started. Enjoy the Alphabet that will not be:

...and there you go. If any of you plan on putting yourself out there, just remember that no one likes you even if lots of people do.
Oh no, I'm Emo again!
-Jared
"most unoriginal man alive"

Dead Alive? Braindead? (Also PHB2 Repaints)

2009-06-24T08:40:00.001-07:00

Just to be clear, I finally finished up that long-forgotten review of Dead Alive.
Click HERE for the magic.

Oh and now there's only one half-finished but long article to get out of the way before I can feel caught up. What's that, you might ask?

Way back last Halloween I wrote most of a Sleepaway Camp Series review. Much like the Dead Alive article it got pushed aside. The upside to this? Since that happened I got my hands on "Return to Sleepaway Camp" which is amazing. It doesn't follow the same formula that made me fall in love with the Sleepaway films...I'm one of those weirdos who actually likes the sequels more than the original? Why, you ask? All will become clear in time.
-Jared
"Time in this instance refers to about two weeks...I've got a lot of work to do Art-wise (real work OMG!) but I really do want to get back into the habit of writing."

Edit extra Blog Content:

Oh and for those who care about my Dungeons and Dragons work, as a fun art exercise I'm still doing "repaints" of some of the new miniatures coming out from Wizards. These aren't for Wizards or anything but they are fun to churn out in the morning. Man, that almost sounds dirty. Or Gross. let's move on.

The Human Paladin:

Turns into this:

The Shifter Ranger (Werewolf-type guy)

Turns into:

For the geekiest of you reading this, you might be happy to know that's actually the right jersey number of Michael J. Fox from Teen Wolf. Yeah, I'm a dork.
-Jared

Forgotten Project #118: DC Alphabet of Shame

2009-06-18T05:01:00.000-07:00

Remember my old Marvel Alphabet of Shame?
A Long time ago I gave up on a sequel to it because I just couldn't get the research right. Hell, even the folks over at Superdickery failed to solve my problem back in the day. I was just cleaning out my work closet (don't ask) and found what was supposed to be the next alphabet. So here's the deal: If you know any geeky comic book characters, preferably DC comics but I'm going to cheat if the character is just a bit too goofy, then by all means speak up and help me out. As a reward here's what I have so far:

UPDATE: You GUYS ROCK! Check these out if you see any Non-DC Characters (besides Psylocke) or if you have a better suggestion, let me know. That said thanks again and you guys are freaking fast.

A is for Arms Fall Off Lad
B is for Brother Power (Or Black Racer now that I know who he is)
C is for C'est Hay
D is for DOG WELDER WHO WELDS DOGS ONTO PEOPLE
E is for Egg Fu
F is for Fuzzy the Mouse (Superboy's pet)
G is for Gay Ghost...
H is for Hemo-Goblin, the AIDS Vampire! (Good job guys I knew that wasn't made up)
I is for Infectious Lass
J is for Jimmy Olsen (naturally)
K is for Kitten (From Superfriends, though Kiteman was tempting as is Krypto)
L is for Lady Cop or The Listener
M is for Miss Manface (I know Matter Eater Lad was a shoe-in but if you haven't watched the Bold and the Brave Batman cartoon you don't know the glory of Miss Manface)
N is for Nowhere Man (Holy crap NOOOOOOOO)
O is for Orca (OH mY GOD Sea World has breasts!)
P is for Polka Dot Man
Q is for Qwsp but Q things are hard to come by though Crazy Quilt might do if I cheat.
R is for Rainbow Raider
S is for Sportsmaster
T is for Ten Eyed Man
U is for Uncle Sam
V is for The Ventriloquist (How did I forget this guy!)
W is of Whizzy the Mouse
X is for X-Bomb Betty
Y is for YANKEE POODLE (Thanks guys this one's amaaaaazing)
Z is for Zan and Jayna...wondertwins are a great way to finish this.

So yeah. No clue if I can happily fill in the blanks but for the joy of it I thought I'd share and see if anyone out there wanted to help out. And hell, I reached my "I give up" point a long time ago, hence why this list has been collecting dust for as long as it has.
-Jared
"taking a break"

Edit: Holy Crap. When someone introduced me to Yankee Poodle, I thought it was a joke character. Here team the Zoo Crew struck me as a little kid's thing. And...yet....
While some folks are calling Grant Morrison's Final Crisis something mighty to behold, all I can say is that the freaking Zoo Crew show up in the final issue. For the big finale of this Batman-killing epic crossover we have THIS only 1 page before the big boss death that ends every big comicbook crossover.

That's Peter Porkchop/"Pig Iron, Captain Carrot and Yankee freaking POODLE right there. Right there next to Superman and the Green Lantern Corps. Sweet Mother of God Why.

Thanks for the introduction guys and, well, I forgot who told me to check out Final Crisis for a healthy dose of awesome but so far between this and the Black Racer...I'm very, very afraid.

Keep them coming guys...you've thrown some spectacular unknowns at me.

EDIT EDIT EDIT:
And we're done, unless someone suggests some better ones before I actually do this (which will be soon considering). Right now it's just a debate:
Brother Power or Black Racer
Lady Cop or The Listener (and his suit of ears)
Qwsp or Crazy Quilt?
Really difficult calls there.

And again, you guys rock.
Particularly you, Graham.
(You psycho)

GenCon 2009: See you There

2009-06-10T15:50:00.000-07:00

Yep. I'm going to GenCon this year. This marks my first trip back to the states in about 3 years. Suffice to say, I'm looking forward to the culture shock. You have no idea how ecstatic I'll be once I have a box of American cereal in my hand. No idea at all.

While I'm still working out the details, I just wanted to send an early signal flare up. Mostly because, having mentioned it once already, meant a bunch of folks came out of the woodwork to meet or tell me what I have to do while I'm there. This is my first convention of anything (well, not really but that one Webcomic Convention didn't count) and all the advice has been golden.

What I know already:
If you play the Dungeons & Dragons Miniature game, then some of my paintings will be sitting on the Community Prize table. I'll also be playing this a LOT at GenCon methinks, since it's the game that eventually led into me actually playing D&D and I'm a dork and play it here in Berlin anyway. I'll also be sharing a room with one of the previous year's DDM champions, so if you see me slowly devouring the brains of another and stealing his power/profiency at moving plastic elves, you'll understand.

I'll be doing a movie commentary with the Jerks in the Back Row. They used to have a kick ass site but due to web domain drama, their temporary home is up on Myspace. That doesn't make them any less funny. Since they're based in Indy, they've kindly invited me to sit in their recording booth and make fun of something. Sorority Babes in Slime-Bowl-o-Rama has been mentioned, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed for something hardcore to make fun of. Like the Dark Crystal (If I ever did my own movie commentary this would be the first...it's a great film but it's got magical cellphone bats, giant crabs busting through walls, muppets stripping each other's clothes off, an extended scene involving drinking a girl's essence, cross-country hippy dinosaurs, and, well...I'll keep my fingers crossed. Taking the Dark Crystal out of context (my comedy formula) is really, really fun.)
Anyway check out the Jerks by clicking HERE. I recommend their House of the Dead and CHUD commentaries in particular.

I'll be playing Drunken D&D with some rather awesome folks who will become more awesome the more we drink. I kind of invited myself by posting on Graham's blog but hey it involves heavy drinking and killing goblins. Should be hilarious and fun. Other folks involved in the game can be found: HERE, HERE, HERE, and HERE.
If you're ready to dive into hardcore D&D Blogging, check them out. You might know them already.

Finally, I'll be selling paintings. Sort of out of necessity...I can afford this big trip but only just. In other words: I need drinking and dice money. See, I'm honest. More on that in a little while, but suffice to say I'll have a horde of paintings with me and will be taking a bunch of requests/suggestions as to what to bring. It worked really well at the Webcomic Thing I went to so once again I will become the infamous walking pile of Jared's art work. It's less luxurious than it sounds but it works.
More later but holy crap, GenCon!

(I'll also be visiting Upstate New York and Jacksonville, Florida but that's less fun to talk about.)
-Jared
"who is really, really excited"

PS: I'll also be hitting the RPGA circuit while I'm there. Just throwing that out there for better or for worse. Mostly worse, methinks.

Evil Genius Rejection #2:

2009-06-08T07:04:00.000-07:00

Just for those in the know, I got my 2nd official rejection email for my card game Evil Genius. Not a big deal, but it amuses me so much that one big company told me the game was too complicated and now another big company tells the game was too simple.
Which is just. Freaking. Hilarious.
:groan:
I'm happy to have people interested enough to playtest the damn thing and hey, they're giving me constructive criticism. It's just criticism that explodes when it comes into contact with the other criticism.
Wish me luck...the tie-breaking playtest with a 3rd company is tomorrow night.
-Jared
"not bitter about rejection, just super amused"

Edit: And thank you to each of you that have playtested it over the past few years with me both in Germany and in the Colonies. Yes: I will have a copy with me when I visit everyone. So if you've already played it and want to see how your feedback got assimilated, you'll have that chance.

Edit EDIT:
Playtest 3 with a Gaming company went well...though now they want to see some of the cards in full color. Which is awesome. But presents new, exciting problems. Not "problems" per say, but forces my hand on some color scheme issues I was dragging my feet concerning.
These are, admittedly, good problems to have. Yay.

Illustration Friday + Ass Ass Ins

2009-06-06T08:51:00.000-07:00

Real quick, another dive into Illustration Friday. This week's theme is "Cravings". I'm working on lots of stuff, but enjoy a quick doodle.

In other news, someone reminded me of something that I've supposed to have reviewed years ago. I'm still a little off-kilter in getting that part of the site back up to speed, but I will share on the blog my favorite part of Amalgam comics:
Remember that time back in the 90's when comic books got kind of insane with the gonzo boobs and girls that'd had their ribs removed so they could have creepy small waists?

I know it's supposed to be "Assassins" but when you've got a comic about super-ninjas who wear nothing but thongs I can only read it as "Ass Ass Ins." And look at the font. They did that crap on purpose.

Funnily enough in the above panel she's not talking to another character but to you, the reader. Which...makes a lot of sense, really.

Yes, the Silver Skier is the Avatar of Death. I really need to read more DC Comics to figure out what character of theirs flies around on magic ski boots. I don't know why skiing equals "teh g@y" when compared to other methods of superheroic flight, but there you have it. I think. Maybe. It hurts my brain.

Oh Amalgam. Why have I neglected you so?
-Jared

Edit: I stand corrected. Say hello to the Black Racer.

His name? Willie Walker.
Willie.
And he represents the Grim Reaper in the DC Universe.

Bwahahahahahahahahahaha. Yes, I will run from the large black man in skis flying after me. No question there.

Oh man, that's awesome. I have a new superhero to read up on. Thanks guys. And by thanks I mean oh GOD why?

Edit Edit:
Say hello to Black Racer 2009: Also known as Night Rider Edition

So weird. Willie, it's nice to see someone thought you were cool enough to revamp.

Illustration Friday: Adapt with Ben 10

2009-06-01T04:16:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time since I did an Illustration Friday and since today was the day that I painted while watching some terrible cartoons, one thing led to another and I ended up doing some shameful Ben 10 inspired art.
This is Echo Echo, an alien from Ben 10 Alien Force.

His power is that he can clone himself a bunch of times and can emit some sort of horrific death wail that...well....does stuff. Here's my quick interpretation.

Yeah, I have problems. Not my best, but hey it's fun. And it's good to be on a psychotic painting kick. You know because that's better than therapy.
-Jared

A new article? Blasphemy (and only a Hint)

2009-05-26T08:54:00.000-07:00

A new article was thought up today and, well, after almost 6 months of hiatus, I return to posting far too detailed reviews of things that some folks think are pretty funny. While I don't want to ruin the surprise, here's a hint:

Subtle, right? Here's hoping Hasbro doesn't sue.
Hell, every time I update I'm praying someone doesn't sue.

Thanks again for all the support guys and girls. You've been awesome and, well, it's good to be back.
-Jared

EDIT ONE:
A lot of people have written to me asking if I can put my D&D Monsters on T-shirts or something. It's a good idea and, hell, I like swag. I'm holding off on it for a few reasons:
1. I don't know the legal aspect of doing that.
2. Cafe Press sucks and I've yet to find a better printer that does drop shipping. If I didn't live in Berlin I could handle it myself but as is...there's no "good" option at present.
3. I'm actually chatting with some D&D folks about creative projects...and I'm excited about that. This is similar to #1 above, but even if it is legal I don't want a dick move like "because I can" to burn any bridge.

EDIT TWO:
I did a bit more research into my article (while writing) and it turns out the above Hint is very, very wrong. I thought I was being clever but I was being, well, retarded. Fun trivia with the history of action figures with gimmicky features will be up on the site soon and all will be explained!
(You might also notice the "coming soon" bits on the Entertainment page. It's true, but I think they'll be up after I throw out a quickie review of something...special.)

Edit 3: The article is up. Enjoy!
Attacktix: The only game where you stuff balls into Jabba's Mouth.

Selling my Soul....(and you're buying)

2009-05-23T13:10:00.000-07:00

For some....ahem..."unknown reason", I've sold a bunch of paintings lately. Hell, I've sold more paintings in the past 4 days than I have in the past 6 months. You guys are awesome. That said, I've learned quite a bit lately and, well, found that actually posting a general price solves a lot of the drama and helps me overcome my fear of money. In other words I don't have to be afraid and dread talking to people who want to buy paintings. Hell, I think I still have a bunch of emails in my in-box from folks trying to buy stuff from months back and...if you're one of those people, my apologies for the disorganization. I'm terrible at the business end of this but I'm working on fixing that. Finally.

So why bring it up now?

...Because I finally updated my "You want to spend money" page. I still hate talking about money, but for the first time in 5 years there are concrete prices plus actually rules for getting a commission from me.

Check it out if that's your thing. Click HERE.
-Jared

PS: I will be going to GenCon this year. You guys are just THAT awesome. More on that later, but if you'll be there, let me know. We'll hang out and kill goblins.

Dangerous Delves Doodles: Another Perspective

2009-05-20T17:03:00.000-07:00

I'll keep this short because I don't deal well with compliments.
This is stupid uplifting, flattering, and....well, pretty darn cool.
Have you seem my impromptu tribute to plastic geekery yet?
Click Here to see the Dangerous Delves Doodles.

If you check out the official Gallery page of Dungeons and Dragons (Click Here) you might notice something else cool.
Seriously...scroll down to the bottom.

Considering that I started this project last Thursday on a total whim (hurrah for no impulse control!) and now my little adventure in too much free time is happily linked to on the official D&D site....gah. Turns out a lot of folks in the WotC office are really grooving on the pictures and I just posted them today. A few hours later, here we are with a pretty good ego boost.

Man, it feels good to finally be painting like a madman again. Thanks guys and girls.
-Jared
"who is kind of embarrassed of the Coctomom post below this one"
(But not enough to remove it.)

Happy Mother's Day (Or, "Suck it, Breeders!"

2009-05-10T02:45:00.000-07:00

Just an aside.

For those who've followed the site for years, you probably already know about that old section where I review pornographic movies. That little crappy section has earn me press passes to Erotic Trade Expos (where I was able to see the latest in Stripping Technology) and to meet the infamous Molly Luft (look it up if you really, really hate living). The section has been long overdue for an update and with today's holiday I figured I'd give a sneak peek of the title screen.

Yes, someone made a porno about the Octomom called Coctomom. I don't want to ruin the plot, but it features an ex-husband, a fertility doctor, and a giant beer cooler filled with sperm.
Oh man, now I know why I kept putting off reviewing these things.
-Jared

Are White Folks allowed to point this out?

2009-05-08T01:13:00.000-07:00

Just a quick aside:

Why is Oprah's weight problem considered "Pop Culture" news, while Oprah causing a Kentucky Fried Chicken Riot is "Black News". (She gave away chicken via her website, drama ensues.) There's a racial stereotype there somewhere....if Obama gave everyone free watermelon would that also be black news? God, I don't know if these things are finally far enough in the past to talk about but when I saw this it hurt my brain a bit. This from the world's worst new source, AOL News. Check it out, even if you don't have an account. They have a series of Blogs that are each focused on one thing...Pop Culture, Youtube Videos that are Popular, Manly Men Stuff, etc. and the hilarious thing is that these corporate advertisement blogs are given the same authority as normal news. So we'll see things about Iraq or something next to Lohan's latest fashion blunder. It's surreal. Sign of the times, but Surreal.

So yeah, hopefully this doesn't paint me as a terrible person or anything, I'm just kind of shocked that riots at KFC is a bit of "African-American-centric" news. And by shocked I mean laughing my ass off.
-Jared

Another Aside for those that visit or live here in Berlin with me. I found this in the Psychetronic Film Guide for this old movie. There's nothing more surreal than seeing Post-War Germany filled with Spacemen.

Star Trek: The Next Generation Authorized Novel #24

2009-04-05T00:59:00.000-07:00

I found this on an old bookshelf in Catalonia last October.

Before she was writing magic date rapist vampire/erotic furry wereslut Anita Blake books (I paraphrase, slightly), Mrs. Hamilton wrote a Star Trek Novel? And it's all about Worf and the psychic psychiatrist Troi?

I've literally been afraid to open it. Not that I really think I'll find a character gently nibbling on a Klingon's brow ridges, but...well....yeah. That's exactly what will keep springing to mind.
Just wanted to share this little treasure I found while moving.
-Jared

Death Race: Where the Sidewalk Ends.

2009-04-03T11:45:00.000-07:00

The topic of "not updating" aside (drama combined with moving to a new flat this weekend), I just heard the worst line from any movie, ever. Well, not really but dear GOD.

Have any of you watched the remake of Death Race 2000, casually titled "Death Race"? If you have, perhaps your brain was already shut off when this little tidbit floated by. I apologize if the language offends, but considering what words you can say on primetime television these days, I only censored the one that "officially" isn't family-friendly.
But let's set the mood for those who didn't watch the movie.

You're the Warden of a maximum security prison/death arena/NASCAR/Reality TV show and one of your racers/prisoners/stars just blew a hole in the perimeter fence and is fleeing your gladiator-esque pit of doom. Foreseeing this possibility, you reach for the remote detonator, the one attached to the bomb you already hid in the hero's car. Clutching it tight in your matronly claws, the camera zooms in, hanging on your every word. It's catch-phrase time. Let's make it count.

.....
....
Wait.....why would I....does the winner get to....how am I supposed to....HOLY sweet jesus, that's a terrible "I'm the villain of this movie" line. Possibly the worst I've ever heard. Seriously...is it an "IN" joke for NASCAR fans? Do they often celebrate by defecation or something? (Please say no.) Are you referencing the fact that people void their bowels when they die, so you are, by the transitive property, implying that I'll be dead (and crapping my pants on the sidewalk)? The hell! I would be hard pressed to come up with a more nonsensical catch phrase.

Even worse, if you sit through the credits they repeat this line....letting us know that someone out there was proud of it. Or hell, maybe that's the best line this movie had to offer. I...I don't know. All I do know is that I'll be watching where I step when I use the sidewalk.
-Jared
"Click Now and get your Non-Updates for 2009 T-shirt today!"

Why I wish I was in Japan. (This Week)

2009-03-27T14:02:00.000-07:00

Berlin is awesome, but it doesn't have giant, fire-breathing Robots.

Thank you Kenji Yanobe for creating something amazing. I'm a little on the fence about the giant golden nipples, but hey you MADE A 2 DOZEN FOOT TALL ROBOT THAT BREATHES FIRE.

The guy's actually pretty classy. Check out his site. It's particularly fun if you can't navigate the Japanese language. The benefit, of course, is you get to see more of "Giant Torayan".
-Jared
"breaking the laws of reality by updating the blog twice in 24 hours"

Why Aren't You Painting?

2009-03-26T19:21:00.000-07:00

The main page of the site involves a promise to update, me being an crybaby bastard, and a card game that only those who've followed the site for 4 years should know about.

Guess which one I'm going to talk about.

Despite that possible making it to a nearby gaming shop, I sort of should meander towards the other topics.

Just looking back at the Blog posts for the past year there's a terrible trend. It revolves around me NOT talking about what's been bothering me in any specific terms and making excuses, promises and other creatures that revolve around not updating the site in a timely fashion.
:sigh:

I think I avoid talking about it because I know how existing on the internet works. Well, assumedly I do to some degree. I mean I live in a country that doesn't speak my language so until recently I've been defined by a majority of virtual relationships. Webcomic Collectives, Forum Fanaticism, and other similar things....blah blah blah. There's the whole concept of digital time as well. I STILL get angry letters about the "Offensive Cartoons of World War 2" and that's been on the site for 4 years. What I don't want to have my sad confessions locked down in stone tablet form thanks to....you know what? By now you know what I mean. Let's move on.

To everyone who's been sending me positive messages:
You Rock.

To the few sending me the hate mail:
I deserve it.
(With the exception of whoever sent me that long email about how retarded I am for using the offensive term retarded. You, sir, have Down's Syndrome. Yes, I can escalate the war of connotative vocabulary. )

Ok fine, I don't deserve most of it. But I'm an emo bastard who had a serious breakdown last year and never recovered. Everytime I think I've picked up the pieces something snaps and there I am, afraid to paint, afraid to write. Hell, here I am immortalizing my goofy-ass bullcrap at 3:30 in the morning. But yeah. I'm done writing a post I'll regret later. What I meant to do was write something to reward the surprisingly high number of folks who haven't given up on me ever updating again. That will happen. Things have swung upwards....and if anyone remembers my Evil Genius Card game (previously playtested by Steve Jackson Games) then that's the one I'm talking about on the main page. The goofy part...the game might be printed in German before it shows up in English. So very surreal. But uplifting. And much more interesting to talk about than me paraphrasing what I should be telling a shrink. I need to re-illustrate it as I've gotten better than I was 4 years ago.

Oh and I took a wooden paint palette that I'll never use because those things are pretentious as all hell and turned it into something productive:

It was that or one of those "Hang in there, Baby!" Cat posters. I stand by my choice.
-Jared

edit:
And just because someone ask and I shared this on a forum, this is what happens when I decide to play Dungeons & Dragons. Ignore the text, enjoy the doodle.

I'm still not sure if killing Orks is good therapy or not.

Happy Friday the 13th, Boys and Girls...

2009-02-13T03:38:00.000-08:00

Man, I think I may just have to paint/post about the emo drama that's been getting me down just payback all the folks who have stuck around and keep sending me the most splendid of emails. But, that's for another day. Today? Today's a holiday not enough people celebrate. Even better, it happens again next month too. While the site will be updating with all the stuff I promised for Halloween by that time (yes, I have new articles on the way...hell, if you know my system of article organization you'll see the Dead Alive article has been almost done for months now), please enjoy some vintage Head Injury Theater.

Trivia Time: The first version of this website existed on Angelfire...and started way back in 2004. One of the first articles I wrote was about celebrating Friday the 13 right before Valentine's Day. While I'm embarrassed of the article now, I feel I almost have to share it.
EVERYTHING I LEARNED ABOUT LOVE I LEARNED ON FRIDAY THE 13TH.

So very shameful. If I'd thought of it earlier, I'd have a rewrite of that article ready for you now. Enjoy your holiday guys. Ladies, remember: We only buy you chocolate to make you fat enough so that no one else will have you. That way, You'll never leave.
-Jared
"who takes dating tips from movies such as Boxing Helena"

A Tad Later....

2008-12-25T19:17:00.001-08:00

Yay for Metric Time! The update wasn't as big as I'd hoped, but finally, an update!

New Art:
CLICK HERE, True Believer.
New Article:
Silent Night Deadly Night 5: The Toy Maker
(Be warned, you'll never look at Ken the same way ever again.)

Thanks for being patient guys. And Merry Christmas.
-Jared
"master of the vanishing eggnog trick"

What goes down stairs, alone or in pairs?

2008-12-24T09:51:00.000-08:00

Just to tease you a bit because me updating the site is looking like a gift to be opened on Christmas day on this end, allow me to share an early Christmas gift that's been bringing me joy.

His name is Slinky, he eats fish, and when he's tired of playing with you, he defecates. Fortunately most of my friends do the same thing, so I'm used to it by now. He's your common variety garter snake that, weirdly enough, counts as an exotic pet because I live in Germany. Go figure.
In related news, he's already shed his skin and it's found a way onto a canvas. I don't know if I should be proud of making art out of dead parts of my pet. Somehow it seems....wrong.

Enjoy your Holiday guys and come back just a tad later for some update, news, and Xmas (and Halloween...sigh) horror.
-Jared

Edit: And yes, a "Tad Later" is a precise form of measurement. You just don't know how it relates to minutes or hours. I'm living in Metric time, bitches!

Merry Xmas

2008-12-12T01:49:00.000-08:00

I'll be quick:

I'm not dead. Problems are fixed. I'm psycho sad (wall smashing rage sadness) that I missed so many updates, but whatever. I'm back. I've been doing a lot of canvas work since we last chatted but now that things are finally up to speed, expect a big Holiday update. I'm talking all those Halloween Articles that were almost done (Dead Alive, Sleepaway Camp) and a few others (Silent Night Deadly Night 5, maybe Slayride, Satan Claus, or...errr....some weird Japanese killer Santa TV show). Thanks for sticking with me guys....and for all the tech help you've been giving me. That said, enjoy this picture of what Mannequins do when no one's around.

(and yes, this is a hint that the Pornographic Nightmare Fuel will be finally updated after 3 years of Hiatus. I have live-action tentacle doom, Tom Sizemore, and many many HORRIBLE things. If you don't know what I'm talking about, it's better that way. I'll have to hide it a little better and slap a warning label on it. Turns out in the past 3 years my audience has been getting progressively younger and younger. How can I tell? This year alone I had a dozen+ parents buy some of my stuff to put in their kid's nursery. :sigh: I really must be doing something wrong.)

Bah.

It's good to be alive again. Stay tuned!
-jared

Holy Crap. Again, Holy Crap. Delays.

2008-11-20T07:31:00.001-08:00

If some of you are wondering where your Halloween paintings are....gah. Part of my Halloween/Birthday (yeah, I wasn't able to update for my Birthday...there would have been digital cake for all I assure you) was me getting a new computer. It's awesome....400 gigs of glorious "no more questions" space (No I'm not talking about porn [I'm totally talking about porn] you perverts), more speed than I'll ever need, and, well, lots of bells and whistles including new programs and the technology I need to actually make the website decent, as I've always planned.

So what went wrong?

Day 1 of new computer.....I wake up...it's frozen. I reboot. It won't start up again because it's missing a file. No safe mode, no prompts...just "Computer Say No, Hahahahahahaha" (I paraphrase). Back-up on floppy? Oh wait, the floppy drive doesn't work. What to do, what to do. No internet so.....long story short. It's been several weeks and finally I've got a computer. It's still screwy and not wanting to accept scans and, well, user input, but things are getting back to normal. So sorry guys. I have Halloween Articles but I haven't been able to upload them as well as tons of paintings.

It'll be fixed soon, just wanted to send a signal flare up so you knew what was going on.
-Jared

Election Aftermath: It's fun to be Wrong.

2008-11-05T06:12:00.000-08:00

2 years ago when I first heard Obama's name, I really thought it was an Osama bin Laden typo. My news source is infamous for them and, well, yeah. I still say everyone on facebook changing their middle name to Hussein was a little surreal...I kept remembering the whole "weapons of mass destruction" fiasco and, well, yeah. Anyway....Woot! Election day: You have no idea how happy I am to NOT have a president that's almost 3 times my age and well past the legal age of retirement in a lot of industries. :relief:

But now? Now I have to say it's fun to be wrong. 2 years ago I also made a comic about the man. Check it out and accept my confession of shame.

Comic: :sigh:

Thanks America for proving me wrong.
-Jared

Guest Comic: Guest Strip Project

2008-11-03T02:21:00.000-08:00

A while back I met this guy named Mike at the UK Webcomic Thing. Nice guy, psychotically passionate about webcomics. He's the guy behind that Webcomic Nudie Calendar known as Tastefully Done:

And while it's out of print now, those of you who did buy a copy should look forward to an illustration of Naked me with Santa Claus when December hits.
Anyway, Mike started this other project (and yet ANOTHER PROJECT) to raise money for the Make-a-Wish Foundation. He's a nice guy and he likes getting folks to do guest comics. If you check out his "Guest Strip Project" today, you'll see my contribution. I'm not too happy with it but introducing you guys to a wonky webcomic idea is worthwhile, particularly when charity's involved. Don't get any ideas though... Here's where I'd put an "all your charity are belong to us" joke, but I really don't think anyone out there wants to read that kind of thing. So check out the strip and poke around. It's very, very surreal...particularly the abstract narrative thread that's bopping in the ghost world between strips.
Mike's Guest Strip Project, click HERE.
(A message for those living in the FUTURE: If you're not reading the blog in real time (no clue what that means) my strip went up November 2nd, 2008.

Oh and on Halloween: I'm SCRAMBLING to finish these paintings. Stop sending me awesome costumes! I feel guilty when I don't paint them.
-Jared

Halloween 2008: Sorry for the delay...

2008-11-01T12:13:00.000-07:00

Last night: Movie Marathon including Halloween, Midnight Meat Train, Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer, and Poultrygeist.

Today? Rocky Horror being screen in my very own home, complete with costumes. I make a mean Riff Raff, if you must know.

Monday? Monday I'll finally be posting up ALL the costume paintings as well as at least one certain review that I've been working on.

Hint:

It features a (hideous) baby in a blender.
Sweet dreams.
-Jared

Costumes Part 1: Let them eat (Lesbian) Cake!

2008-10-28T15:13:00.000-07:00

If you've seen part 1 of the 2008 Costume paintings, then you'll remember the last one. You know the one about the Lesbian Zombie Wedding. That's 100% true and behold: The Wedding Cake. I'd warn you that this post is not safe for work even with the censor blurbs (I think) but well, it's too late. Enjoy one of the coolest cakes around.

Seriously. They Totally do.
-Jared

PS: I totally recant my "I'm running out of monsters to paint" claim. After my Catalonian vacation (more on that later) I found myself swamped with both ideas and suggestions... Thanks guys. There are indeed a lot of greats I haven't painted. For instance....Michael Myers. He STILL hasn't appeared on the Halloween Countdown. Don't get your hopes up for this year...they're all ready and I'm keeping them obscure. You know, the way I like it.

Edit: In my previous post, you might remember I made a joke about Rainbow Brite the Hooker. Dear Lord, I really thought it was a joke. I wanted it to be. But sadly......

Costume Designers: Please stop making me think of having sex with fictional under-aged girls and animals by putting strippers in funny costumes. It's....disturbing.

Halloween 2008: Boobs, The Executive Elderly, Catalonia Horror, and a Mushroom

2008-10-17T19:59:00.000-07:00

News on 3 fronts today. Let's start with Boobs.
The world is a very scary place when I go to check the latest news in the U.S. and instead I stumble across.....this:

Talk about pandering. Is anyone else troubled by strippers (I mean models, MODELS) dressing up like things that we're around when they were alive and that only appeal to the weird geek nostalgia sections of our brain? What's next, Rainbow Brite the hooker? Kim Possible with tassels? I'm just thinking ahead...will in the year 2016 we get to see Spongebob Squarepants costumes on stage shaking her goodies in your face?

That's nothing new of course but I still find it hilarious to find a gallery of these next to news about natural disasters and who's going to win the election. And the whole Princess Leia thing creeps me out. I mean, I was 3 or so when this movie came out. Hell, I know a lot of people younger than me that have a thing for Princess Leia. I mean, I get it. She's a sex slave. But to be honest there are a lot of sexier movies involving sex slaves and THOSE don't have a 2 ton giant slime-covered worm in them. Well, they do, if you count euphemisms.

Did I say models? I meant Strippers. Totally strippers.

2: I just found out that John McCain is 72 years old this year. I don't usually talk politics on the site (I hate politics and fall under the banner of "it doesn't really matter I can't make a difference so why care") but...I have to say it. Holy crap McCain is 72 years old. Is anyone else creeped out by the prospect of a president who was alive during the Great Depression? I actually was a fan of McCain a few years ago...his policy about putting an end to campaign contributions sounded awesome (and when I talk about campaign contributions to the Germans here they look at me and ask me how that can be legal) and I'm sad he hasn't picked up that flag again this time around. My problem? He's well over the age a lot of industries force retirement. I'm weird about having a president 3 times my age. No offense to senior citizens out there but....yeah. I'm done. It's creepy to me and I had to say it. If he does get elected (vote how you want people) I will tell you this though: I'm going to have a lot of fun riffing on President Great-Grandpa. And if he's elected to a 2nd term? He's going to turn 80 years old while in office. O_O
....Maybe the chances of Palin becoming the President are more likely that some folks have been saying. I mean, he is over the age of average life expectancy. Spooky.

3. I'm in Catalonia this week! I got a surprise/random vacation in a resort near Malaga (which is fun to say maaaaalaaaaaaaagaaaaa though saying it like that helps convince others that I'm retarded) and I'm looking forward to it. I leave in an hour for my plane and I'm already scrambling to recall whatever High School/Taco Bell Spanish I can remember. Will there be Taco Bells in Spain? If so the blasphemy will be too wonderful to resist.
Hope you guys enjoyed the content from the FUTURE and that it keeps you distracted since the site won't update again until the last week of October (with costume paintings amongst other things). The Blog, on the other hand, will have new stuff a couple of times. And if you missed it:

Click here for Rumpelstiltskin

Click here for Giant Mutant Momma Bear!

Until next time play safe and again: Sorry for bringing up politics. I'm just a new fangled young person who is just freaked out by being represented by those legitimately considered elderly.
-Jared

PS: If you know what this is and why I'm excited about it, you're just as big a geek as me:

(fyi)

Halloween 2008: I like it with the Costume on.

2008-10-05T04:35:00.000-07:00

So yeah. Happy Halloween...Month. This year has been a little weird since my local horror fans moved away last year, so all my current amigos are looking at me like I'm particularly insane for decorating the house and carving a cactus to celebrate (yes, this year makes the return of "what will Jared turn into a pumpkin" festival) so early. Even worse, I'm in Germany, a country that doesn't quite "get" Halloween and has banned films like Friday the 13th, Phantasm, and other horror classics for the sake of public decency. But all that aside, life is good. And filled with Orange and Black. Everywhere.

Oh and just to hammer it home on the blog:
The Costume paintings will start showing up this next week. A few of you have already sent in pictures, but the earlier you send it in the more likely I'll have time to paint it. If you're new, jsut know that if you send me a picture of your halloween costume (or your pet's, you sick sick person who dresses up your dog) I'll do a painting of it. No promises of you liking it, but I'll do my best to not offend you like I did the Poison Ivy/Elvis couple from years back. And just so you know, this year some of the costumes are awesome.

Life is Good.
-Jared

(Thanks to Yanna and her Vampire Freak friends for being awesome.)

Halloween 2008: Terror Toons

2008-09-30T14:37:00.001-07:00

I've been neglecting the blog, so here's a link to the 1st film review of the 2008 Halloween Season. Early!

CLICK HERE FOR THE PAIN.

More to be posted on the site, but for now enjoy, those few of you who check in on the blog like the crazy people that you are. There's going to be a contest, more costume paintings, and....fun stuff. God I love Halloween.

-Jared

Oh God The Ratten!

2008-09-29T04:52:00.000-07:00

Mental breakdowns aside, there's a lot going on and I've been a terrible....whatever it is I am these days in regards to the blog. So, enjoy a little catch-up and fun news. So much is going on these days. I'll talk more about the MTV Puppet Project later (knock on wood) but for now, it's time to talk about guest art and a role-playing game featuring rats in a shopping mall. I got contacted a LONG time ago by the kind people at Project Kopfkino. If you don't know who they are...don't feel bad. They're German. They make awesome and surreal role-playing games. The Bad news? They only do it in German (for now). The game that we're talking about today is Ratten. It's weird combination of Vampire the Masquerade, The Secret of Nimh, and Fievel goes Totally Batshit Insane.

Trust me. If this thing ever gets translated into English, you're going to like it a lot. If you do speak German, the things are for sale online and most gaming shops seem to enjoy putting psychotic rat-based games on their shelves. The Kopfkino folks asked if I'd be kind enough to do some art for their site/blog about Ratten. If you check their entry for today, you'll see five paintings right there. CHECK IT OUT (I'll put them on the site after Halloween). And just to explain, there are various "Tribes" of Rats in the game...all of which takes place in an abandoned shopping mall. Each tribe is different...ranging from rich obese rats who run the food court like merchants, Aquatic rats living in the flooded basement, all the way to PSYCHOTIC BOOK BURNING zealot rats who learned how to read (and burn books). By the illustrations, I think you can tell which one I zoned in on. Enjoy and if you speak/read German, give the game a chance.

In other news:
What do you think? Do you think the reporters have the American Banking Crisis on the brain or what?

Yeah, typos make me giggle. I'm twelve.
Talibank: For all your Terrorist Investment Needs.

In other, OTHER news:

I haven't ever talked about it much, but for a few years now I've been a member of an Webcomic Collective called Eyeskream. I think I didn't pimp it very much because I'm weird anti-Webcomic scene, if that makes sense. That's not completely true but I don't play a lot of the games most webfolks play. That's my own issue, because that's most likely why I don't cash in on the 100,000+ folks who come through here on a regular basis. Anyway, I've left the collective, mostly because I've gotten too busy to be a good member and, well, yeah. They're great people and I've made some wonderful friends amongst them. Check them out if webcomics are your thing. Best of luck guys, I'll be in touch.

And, there you go. 3 entries in one just to let you know the Blog is back.
-Jared

PS: I'll post about it in a couple days, but I'll be doing my Halloween Costume thing again all through October. Don't know what I'm talking about? Check it out by clicking HERE.

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Now playing: Peaches - Rock show
via FoxyTunes

For Posterity....Superman Reality.

2008-09-29T04:41:00.000-07:00

Been a while since I updated the blog and while this was on the site for a while, I figured I'd save it here because it really does amuse me to no end.

This was the comic in Mid-September:

I stand corrected! The Staff of Illinois Community College located in Chicago has emailed me and would like you all to know there is indeed a Metropolis in the world, and it houses the Superman Museum and there's a statue of the Man of Steel outside the courthouse of all things. It only has a population of about 6,000 people but hey, they take Superman pretty seriously.

This is not a joke.

Surreal.
-Jared

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Now playing: Mindless Self Indulgence - Daddy
via FoxyTunes

Stupid Dakini...

2008-06-28T17:48:00.001-07:00

Do you remember the movie Willow? If you do...oh lord.
CLICK HERE IF YOU DARE.
I don't usually blatantly curse on the site but: Holy Shit. Holy, Holy, Holy Shit.
That is pants-crapping insane.
-Jared
www.headinjurytheater.com

D&D Monsters: What I didn't include.

2008-06-26T04:38:00.000-07:00

Holy crap...new articles. And out when expected. The hell?
Part 2 of D&D Stupid Monsters and 4th Edition: A Noobian Guide

By the by, there was one book I found that I just couldn't bring myself to add to the list. It's not official...though it is written by a long-time writer of Dungeons & Dragons. If you don't know about this, you really should. It's....special.

You can find it on Amazon and, well, if you know someone who's seriously in D&D....get it for them as a birthday present. It'll melt their head. Don't believe me? Check out this spell:

Wow. Not the reference to birth control magic as well. Oh and they have monsters in the book too! Well, sort of.
This, ladies and gentlemen, is a Pleasure Golem.

Made of wax and "very fresh human flesh" because if it was rotting human flesh that would be gross, these golems are for sex. Which is pretty much what wizards would do if they could create mindless slaves but still the hell! Also know that this book is the 1st D&D book I've seen that has photographs instead of illustrations. The photographic manipulation is pretty good and I have to admit the pictures are usually pretty awesome. It's only when you realize that you're not reading an issue of Propaganda magazine and instead are reading an adventurer's guide to sex magic via rolling dice. I also had a picture of a woman infected by an "infestation" spell, which literally teleports ticks and spiders into the crotch of someone you dislike. The picture, while not explicit, just seems too horrible to share. Your imagination is probably better than the real thing anyway. Well, maybe.

One last thing: The book also has special Character Classes, such as the Sacred Virgin.
Barbarian: Welcome to the party. What is it that you do?
Sacred Virgin: Only once, really.
Rogue: Erotic Sneak Attack.
Sacred Deflowered Virgin: Ah crapsticks.
....
The book is for Mature Adults only...and I just don't qualify. The book creeps me out because I just don't know who would actually play with these rules. My theory was the book was written for comedic value...but too much work went into it. Professional photography, real D&D Writers...it boggles the mind.

Hope you guys enjoyed the walk down Geek Lane this week...things are kind of getting back to normal. Thankfully.
-Jared

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Now playing: Lords of Acid - I Must Increase My Bust
via FoxyTunes

Gah....and stuff.

2008-06-19T04:40:00.000-07:00

I hate talking about personal stuff online....the whole emo thing sort of belittles online venting about loss and what-not. It was the first death of a family member I've had to experience and it hit hard. Oh well. I will say thank you to the surprisingly high number of folks who wrote to me asking if I was alright. It was touching...if I haven't written back to you know that my inbox has almost hit quadruple digits and know that I will thank you for being uplifting. That said, I need your help.

I'm writing a sequel to an old article. I've been doing it a while, but I've finally got off my ass and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Remember this article?
Article 73: Terrible Monsters of Dungeons and Dragons
Sure you do. Well, turns out I missed a LOT of monsters. Enough to warrant a follow-up. Not only that but I also got emails from some of the terrible monster's creators...including the dreaded Asswere. Truly, life is good. Just to give you a taste, here's yet ANOTHER race of evil squirrels.

Their little hats are there to inspire fear, obviously. I've also expanded the scope of the sequel to include official rules for running sexual orgies in the first edition of D&D (seriously) all the way to the newly launched 4th Edition of Dungeons & Dragons. Truth be told, after I wrote that article some Dungeon Nerds kidnapped me and got me into the game. So, I'm a lot geekier now than I used to be. With that established:

If you know of a terrible monster from Dungeons & Dragons (or their official magazines, etc) that truly needs to be mocked by all means let me know. There's no way I'll find them all and God knows I have some gamer veterans reading this site from time to time. Thanks a lot guys and if what I've already got prepared is any indication, this one's going to be good. And by "good" I mean so terrible it'll wound your soul.
Email me at Jared @ Headinjurytheater.com and know that you rock.
-Jared
(at Headinjurytheater.com, apparently)

Disclaimer: No April Fool's Day Monsters and if you do suggest a monster, let me know where I can find it. Ever since someone got my hopes up by describing the Poop Golem, it's just not easy to trust anyone anymore. You know, because we all want to believe in a magical creature made literally of crap.

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Now playing: Mindless Self Indulgence - Never Wanted To Dance- Combichrist- Elctro Hurtz Mix
via FoxyTunes

She has Teeth, she knows how to use them.

2008-05-07T00:12:00.000-07:00

Enjoy the review, guys. I'll give you an update about the hospital stuff on the site later, but for now I'm just happy to have uploaded a bit of art I'm proud of and to have spontaneously written a review of a film a bunch of you asked me just this week to review. (I'll get to more stuff off the list below very soon...Invitation to Hell is next followed by maybe Snakes on a Train. Maybe.)

The spontaneous review is of course Teeth, a film I watched for the first (and last, hopefully) time today. If you read all the way through it, know that I'm actually pretty serious about that bonus bit: I'd love to hear what any girls out there thought of the film because I'm certain it's a completely different experience. Since the film is, after all, a movie about a monster crotch that prevents rape by gnawing on men's junk. I'll refrain from talking about it in too much detail here...check out the article for my ramblings in their entirety.

Click HERE to Read about Teeth if you haven't already.

By the by: Art Crash is coming. I'll be taking requests again soon so if you've got something on your mind that you need to see in ink/paint, be ready to share.
-Jared

Edit: Two things: First off, check out the end of the Grill Skills article. I finally got my interview with Bill. It was telling and implies there is something out there that's WORSE than Grill Skills. Click HERE.

Secondly, I was watching a terrible film (big surprise) that goes by the name of "The Adventures of Pluto Nash." While it's not the worst film out there, it is technically the film that lost the most money: It cost 100 Million and they only made 4. While I don't think it's bad enough for me to review (though any film that makes the Super Mario Brothers movie look good is a special flavor of terrible), I did sort of do a double-take when I saw one thing.

Hilary Clinton: President on the MOON. This film was made back in 2002, so jokes about Mrs. Clinton's presidency have been floating around for a while. Thought a few of you might find that Hilarious. I know I did.
-Jared

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Now playing: Mindless Self Indulgence - VNV Nation "Maelstrom Mix"
via FoxyTunes

Back? The Hell?....plus Movie Time!

2008-04-09T13:16:00.000-07:00

By the time you read this, hopefully you've already taken a look at my epic excuse apology that is the Alphabet of Excuses. That said, let's chat.

Whenever I take a break from writing articles, it's always difficult to get back into the swing of things. So, while I meander through my options and get one on the site next week (knock on wood, as I've become the master of update lies apparently) I've decide to share what's in my review pile and, if anyone's psychotically motivated, let you chime in on what I need to get going on. It's an epic pile and dear God I'm going to go through all of it right here and now in the Blog as minor penance for a month of no updates. Let's do this.

1. Spookies.
Terrible Horror movie that is not only terrible but awesome because another director took over once the film had been axed and, well, did horrible things to it. I've been meaning to type this one up because I actually conducted tiny interviews with both the directors, who do, indeed still hate each other. Oh, and it has farting zombies that melt when you throw wine on them.
2. The Secret History of Mystery Science Theater 3000. This article is going to be blasphemous to MST3K fans (I am one, I should know) because it brings to light a few things most psycho fans don't already know...like how Joel was a guest on Saturday Night live about the same time the SNL crew was doing a movie called "IT came from Hollywood" where they made comments while watching scenes from bad movies. I love MST3K, but there's sordid history that's weird lurking there.
3. Kolobos.....terrible movie featuring subliminal messages, MTV satire, and erotic face-cutting.
4. Pocket Ninjas.....a friend of mine got this at the Walmart discount bin years ago and still it haunts me. More a training film for karate, this cinematic masterpiece culminates in kids wearing virtual reality goggles and covering the bad guy in silly string.
5. Snakes on a Plain and Snakes on a Train. Need I say more about this serpent-themed double-feature?
6. Beowulf. The new 3-D film is.........words fail me. Seriously. This is the most recent film on the list and one that a lot of folks actually went to see at imax. Poor dopes.
7. Roller Blade Warriors. No rollerblades, but does feature strippers who can't roller skate pretend they can in a post-apocalyptic future.
8. Terror Toons 1 & 2.
Terror Toons is the worst film I've ever seen. It's a religious experience. I haven't had the balls to watch the sequel, but a review is as good an excuse as any.
9. Gymkata. Who doesn't want to read a review about a gymnastics-based superhero?
10. Jack Frost 2. The first movie ever reviewed on the site was Jack Frost. The sequel? So much worse. And by worse I mean better. Because it's worse.
11. My Demon Lover. Man becomes a demon when he gets an erection. A love story. O_O
12. Bad Channels, Terrorvision, Video Dead, Remote Control....a 4-way review all about evil televisions. And Aliens. Or Zombies. On channel four.
13. Wild Beasts. Have you seen a movie about zoo animals and ballet students on LSD-induced killing sprees? I know I have.
14. Pornographic Nightmare Fuel. I have so much porn to review, add to that page it hurts. My sense of decency says no one needs to hear what I've been exposed to, but Amputee Porn is real and haunts me in my sleep. :shudder:
15. Rumpelstilskin (or however you spell it). A shakespearian actor takes on the role of a baby-stealing troll with the hard to spell name. Hilarity ensues.
16. Uninvited & Strays: A double feature all about killer house cats. Lol, even.
17. Doctor Mordrid....starring Jeffrey Combs, this movie was the original Dr. Strange Movie until Marvel Comics pulled out at the last minute. It's....special. All I can say.
18. Zombie Ninja Gangbangers. What happens when Porn Actresses make horror movies? A lot of zombie rape, it would seem.
19. Amalgam Comics...in the 1990's, Marvel and DC Comics got together and combined their characters. Hilarity and Suck beyond imagination was brought into the world.
20. Project Geeker.....what show is most like Futurama without being Futurama? Starring a few of the voice actors from that very show, this Futuristic Sci-Fi satire/comedy/action cartoon is...unique. All I can say.
21. Invitation to Hell. A rarely seen Wes Craven flick all about a health spa run by Satan.
22. Wendy's Grill Skills. A training video from 1988 teaching one how to properly cook a Wendy's hamburger. Told completely in Rap.
23. S.I.C.K......Serial Insane Clown Killer.
24. Double D Avenger.....another stripper/porno-inspired action movie. That makes my eyes bleed.
25. Shrunken Heads. How often does one see a film where the heroes of a film are the shrunken heads of preteens?
...and a lot of others. That's enough of a list for now.
If you see something you NEED to read about, drop me a comment or a line at jared@headinjurytheater.com.

Thanks for humoring me guys and, again, for all the emails of concern/support over the past month. You rock.
-jared

Jared's Secret Life: Unemployment

2008-02-14T15:30:00.000-08:00

Hey guys. If you read the banner this week, you were promised juicy fun facts. If you didn't, I'll still share a bit.
About a year and a half ago, I got a job. Thing is, while the site does bring in some income, it's hard to live in Germany without something more regular. Plus getting into the German healthcare system rocks. 10 euros one-time fee that covers every doctor I want to see in the next 4 months? How cool is that? Anyway, I rarely talk about my "real life." Online life? Sure. My artistic adventures? Sure. My health? Sometimes, when I need an excuse. My dayjob? Never.

I bring this up now because, well, I was fired. Um. No, not really. My contract wasn't extended which, to be honest, isn't a big deal. And I'm getting about 3.5 month's salary advanced to me as a sort of settlement that actually has me cleaning out my desk with a little spring in my step. The good news? It means I can finally get back to where I was a year or so ago. Have you noticed the occasional update problems? The lack of Art Crashes? The lack of my ability to freely go apeshit insane and paint/write all night? No? Well, it's something that I've noticed and it's been bugging me for a while now. And while I would never have quit my job being set free feels pretty good right now.

The job was running the UK community of a German-owned consumer report website. It was a pretty cool thing and I would have told more of you about it...only if I'd done that and you'd actually used the damn thing it would have created more work for me. So in a weird way, keeping you guys out of my dayjob kept me from having to work too hard. Now that I'm gone....well, check this out. The website is dooyoo.co.uk and, to be frank, it's a pretty sweet thing that I'm surprised more people don't know about. The gimmick is that they want you to write goofy little reviews of ANYTHING and they pay you. The pay is in dooyooMILES and can be cashed out for buying stuff on Amazon but honestly, if you're one of the freaks who writes reviews on IMDB or Amazon, I'd say check it out. And again, since I don't work there anymore, go crazy. It's not a bad site nor a bad former employer....I can honestly say it was surreal to get paid to monitor writers who feel compelled to write 5000 word reviews about a particular brand of shampoo. No, really. 5000 words on a shampoo. When a company is willing to pay you to review ANYTHING, people get....creative. Check it out. And I'm not just saying that because my boss agreed to pay me what I would have earned for the next 4 months. Well, maybe a little.

So back on topic:
Jared. With lots of free time.
You know what that means?
...
...
...
Everything.

PS: I'll post some Opera photos next week. I've mentioned my Opera work on the website often enough that it's high time I actually shared some of it.
-Jared

Illustration Friday: Plain

2008-01-20T06:36:00.000-08:00

Was just doodling today and figured I'd spend no more than five minutes on the Illustration Friday challenge this week. Not because I don't have more time, but because I'm really in need of a decent Art Crash sometime soon. Enjoy:

While not a reference to any energy crisis, I think calling this one "The Substantial Benefits of Solar Power versus conventional models" makes a lot of sense.
Huzzah.
-Jared
www.headinjurytheater.com

Random Update: Nudity and Crotch-Mounted Broadswords

2008-01-17T03:26:00.000-08:00

Two Random bits I feel best left for the Blog:

First off, I totally forgot to tell you about how to buy a painting of me in the nude. Seriously, Moovok, this groovy guy who has gotten me to paint some weird stuff from time to time, got a bunch of webcomic folks together and convinced/tricked/seduced them into painting themselves naked. My picture also includes Santa Klaus. While he's not naked, that still counts for something. Check it out here, if you're curious and like me buy calendars way too late:
Tastefully Done, 2008 Calendar!

Secondly, I haven't forgotten about Miniature Mayhem. I still own the URL but haven't been organized enough to upload the game or anything. I'm back at it, which also means I keep track of other miniature games out there. D&D just released their 4th edition miniature rules and, while I know only two of you out there care, I noticed something....bizarre about the manual. Apparently the premiere "normal" piece of the miniature game likes to....well, let's see if you can figure out what's wrong with this picture:

If you said "Holy crap he straps his sword to his genitalia" you are correct. While I know that sword = penis symbolism is a major part of the fantasy genre, I sort of assumed that Wizards of the Coast would at least not make it so freaking OBVIOUS. Also note how it takes him too hands to grip the handle of his mighty sword. Not a euphemism, but sweet GOD it should be. Seriously, at what point in history did we holster our swords in our groin. How the hell does he walk....ok I'm done. It hurts too much to continue.
-Jared

Edit: The Black Sheep Review is finally up! I'm still not happy with it as the final product didn't end up being as funny as I thought it would be, but the fact that apparently a LOT of people wanted to see this movie on the site means, well, I have a duty to perform. Enjoy.
Click here for Sheeple.

I am jinxed for the Holidays.....

2007-12-23T23:48:00.000-08:00

New computer, new programs...and a LOT of Xmas stuff to share. At this rate it'll be on the site sometime on Christmas Day. Close to late but technically not so. Technically.

I can tell you this though: All this update-being-delayed crap is totally going to get a visit from Black Pete.
-Jared

O_O

2007-12-17T01:58:00.000-08:00

I'm speechless.

Enjoy.

CLICK HERE FOR VIOLENT BRAIN BOOM

The Velvet Vulva: Not Porn Related, I swear.

2007-12-10T00:53:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm back. Sorry about the vacation guys...The Halloween Spirit ate my face off and it took me a couple of weeks to regrow a new one. The new face is mostly leather and an organic zipper made up of what used to be my teeth. Sure, kids scream when they see me but on the plus side I'm always ready for an impromptu Halloween party. See? It all worked out well.

As for the comics this week...both are a little more obscure than usual. So, in case you didn't know...all the television writers are on strike. Still. It started on November 5th and, well, 3 days ago negotiations broke down again. This doesn't affect too many of us...unless you like watching television. There's a reason the latest season of Heroes sucked donkey butt. And, if you've seen the comic, know this: I do watch House MD when I can. I like it because dear GOD almost every episode is the same. But I like it, mostly because the whole thing feels like a weird spin-off of John C. McGinley's character on the show Scrubs. And, despite my weirdness, I like that show. I can't help it. I feel ashamed.

....

Speaking of shame, why did I ALSO make a comic about a woman who makes handbags shaped like vaginas?
Answer: Because it had to be done.

Check out the site by clicking HERE.
Oh and remember to pay close attention. There's a "hat" at the very bottom of that page that blows my mind just a little. Mostly because it looks like it's eating someone in the most horrible way.

-jared

Halloween Sidestep

2007-10-29T17:06:00.000-07:00

I'm in the middle of painting what feels like a bajillion paintings based off the costumes you people have sent me....so I thought I'd bring up something totally different on the Blog.

Due to the interests in the D&D Article I did about 8 months ago (http://www.headinjurytheater.com/article73.htm) I got the entire run of Dragon Magazine and decided to skim through it for more moronic monsters. I found Death Pillows and Deadly Linens in the first one I opened, so trust me when I say it's going well. I also found an article on how Orgies and Prostitution fits into a D&D campaign. Since this article was written in the 1970's you'll find it to be...interestingly full of social acceptance of mass orgies. And somehow this idea combines with D&D to create some sort of Naked-Mom-dressed-up-as-Megaman-with-a-whip-and-a-phallic-puppet-
chasing-after-you-style nightmare that cannot be evaded.

And still, I find more. Can you tell what the theme of this image is?

If you said "Magical Groin Injuries" you are most certainly correct.
-jared

PS: I went as an Evil Brain for Halloween this year. And I glowed. Pictures up soon.

Opera Ends....Halloween (really) Begins

2007-10-07T15:27:00.001-07:00

The time is 12:27 AM. I just got home after our final performance of "The Marriage of Figaro". We pretty much sold out every night and dear GOD it was more successful than any of us would have guessed.

In related news, this means I can finally start treating my favorite holiday with some gusto. Expect todays (well, yesterday's as of 27 minutes ago) monster as well as more fun stuff once my brain settles down into a routine that doesn't involve Opera on a daily basis.

Oh and if you have a Halloween costume picture, send it in. (Any file format, I'm not picky.) I've already gotten quite a few and will be posting them later this week.
-Jared

Edit: Oh Lord, I haven't shared ANYTHING I painted for the Opera. I'll have that up on the site later this week as well. It's not very weird or freaky, but it was fun.

Eyeskream Swap Day?

2007-09-24T05:31:00.000-07:00

Man, I really don't know where I fit into the webcomic collective Eyeskream. I think I'm the affirmative action guy who likes coming to the meetings but whose drinking habit makes him forget everything that was decided the second he steps outside. 12 steps indeed. That said, we're having a bit of a contest. Whether you want art from me or one of the other guys, it's a pretty fun thing. And it forces you to read other Eyeskream Comics. Which OBEY you really OBEY should OBEY do. You can find all the information here:

THE MAGIC LINK TO EYESKREAMERY AND CONTEST-LIKE THINGS

The short of it: Someone mysterious but cool did some guest stuff for me and I did the same for someone else. If you want to see me tackling someone else's material, happy hunting.
-jared

PS: HALLOWEEN!

Figaro, my big distraction.

2007-09-23T09:34:00.000-07:00

The Berlin International Opera's production of Figaro has it taking place in an artist's commune. Not really, but that's the concept of the prodution. In it, Figaro is a painter. The cool thing is that all the art in the production is my own. So, I'm the "secret" Figaro behind the scenes. It's kind of rad. The downside is that I had to paint the same thing 7 times so the singers could destroy the "same" painting once per show. It breaks my heart. The upside? A big advertisement featuring my art in one of the big newspapers here in Berlin.

And when people come to the Opera? My Art. Everywhere. Definitely cool.
-Jared

Edit: Oh, and Voodoo Macbeth Teaser Art got slapped onto the program. As much Opera-related hell my flat is going through at the moment, I'm definitely looking forward to the next production. I'll keep you guys posted.

Edit Edit:
To answer your question, when you send me an image of your Halloween costume, any file format is totally kosher. I've already received some great costume pics....including the sequel to the "Cat dressed up as a chicken." It's entertaining, up until P.E.T.A. gets involved.

While I'm on the topic...

2007-09-18T01:07:00.001-07:00

I find it hilarious that the week that I start working on revamping the site design/navigation is the same week that like a bajillion D&D fans start visiting and make the site implode.
:motivation:

Oh and if you have Halloween costumes that you'd like to see in this year's Halloween Special, feel free to start sending them. I'll be taking them up until the first week of November.
Not sure what I'm talking about? Check this out:
http://www.headinjurytheater.com/halloweencostumes.htm

October, the golden month, is soon upon us.
-Jared

Website Navigation Doom

2007-09-15T07:10:00.001-07:00

Hey kids and old people (that covers most everyone I think). Just wanted to let you know that I'm working on re-doing my navigation, most specifically the comic section this week and, if you know your stuff, would love to hear some suggestions.

I will NOT be using the "one comic per page" set up because since I don't do banner ads, there's no reason for you guys to have to reload the page for each and every comic. Of course there are fancy flash options, but lord knows I'm tech-stupid and retarded busy these days. But I DO need to make it better. Sort of like how the "Strange Art" page was originally just a big pile of thumbnails. Now it's a "only sort of" big pile of thumbnails.

So, yes. Now is when you complain about my piss-poor site design. Because I'm planning on getting it sorted in time for October...you know, the month where I do all sorts of craziness in celebration of Halloween. Which, of course, I'll be doing again. Send me your costume pictures now if you haven't already.
-jared

Illustration Friday: Sell Your Soul

2007-09-12T22:48:00.000-07:00

This week's theme (which ends in like 16 hours or so) was Momentum. I put some thought into this and for some reason this came about:

That's a little small so you can see it in the blog, but you can find the "real" version here:
Hi, I'm a real painting.

Me and my friends talk about selling our souls way, way, WAY too much than any healthy person should. I almost don't want to go into it too much but really think about it. We can't dedicate our lives to anything larger than ourselves without regret because of what we know. Our cynicism might just be our being left open too long. Poetry aside, we know that everything is at least a little corrupt. Political parties, religions, animal rights organizations....and me and my friends all sort of agree it would be liberating for an evil organization to just come out and say "Join us, we're evil!" I'm not articulating that very well but at least one of you have to be on the right wavelength to translate that.

By the way, October is coming up and I'm planning on doing my annual craziness. Sorry there's been no articles this past month but I've been buried in Opera painting....my job with the Berlin International Opera has be painting lots of stuff...including 7 paintings of the Count character. This wouldn't be so bad but I'm also having to couch someone on how to DESTROY THEM ON STAGE. Yes, in the opera the paintings get destroyed during each performance. I'm trying to teach them how to destroy it so we can still sell them later or so they at least still look cool on a wall.
Man, that's going to look weird on my resume.
-jared

Marvel Alphabet of Lame

2007-09-04T10:52:00.000-07:00

Not my best alphabet, but it made for a fun Monday afternoon.

Since this fits well with Illustration Friday's theme this week, here's the first entry:

And no, I didn't make that up.

I did the whole alphabet based on the joy that is The Appendix to the Handbook of the Marvel Universe. I may not be the best geek around, but I do know suck when I see it.
See the entire alphabet of lame Marvel Comics characters by clicking HERE.
-Jared

Just a moment...

2007-08-29T05:35:00.000-07:00

Jared is currently having technical difficulties. As in, my server doesn't want to let me upload anything new. I'll sacrifice a goat or something to it and see if that doesn't do the trick.

Oh and in other news, I'm the creative consultant for an Opera production of Macbeth. The weird theme? It's going to revolve around voodoo. Concept and design art to be posted as soon as I get permission from the powers that be.
-jared

PS: Voodoo Macbeth. Come on. That's just awesome. And very, very surreal.

Thunder & Mud.....God hates me.

2007-08-21T16:39:00.001-07:00

I've got a game I play with the people at my video store. Since they've got like 30,000 movies there and a lot of them aren't on display anymore (not enough shelf space), I've taken it upon myself to just guess video ID numbers and taking home whatever the hell it is. Usually it's something boring or, well, VHS tape 237 from the X-files series edition 3 (or something like that). But today? Today it hurt.

I randomly requested the number for a wrestling film. A Mudwrestling film. I swear, fate gave me this. When I randomly said "Why don't you give me....8943?" I had no idea what doom I was calling down upon me.
Featuring big hair bands (I mean, Heavy Metal) from the most embarrassing point in the decades past. Check this out:

Even funnier, they called it "Thud" on the actually cassette. But yes. I watched a movie that features hair bands where the men look like girls and the girls look like mud monsters with floppy girlie parts flailing mud every which way.
Lucky me.

I know I'm a guy but mud wrestling just doesn't do anything for me. I looked at all the guys in the audience and had to ask: Why not just rent some porn? Or hell, go to a strip club? Or is the fact that you're supposed to be surprised when "Candy the Destroyer" rips off her opponents bra and strangles her with it? (Yes, I saw that tonight.) Ok, bad example, that did surprise me. But then again, I don't get the joy of wet t-shirt contests. I mean, I DO and if one was going on I couldnt' help but pay the most attention possible to it....but I wouldn't hunt it down.

By the way here's the description of "Thunder & Mud" on rottentomatoes:

"A dazzling mosaic of hot guitar licks and even hotter gorgeous grapplers as the top stars of female mud wrestling battle it out for their favorite bands in this wall-shaking, eye-popping, erotic assault on the senses."

Dear lord, I actually watched a film that's told me who the "top female mud wrestlers" were back in 1990. Wait a second. Doesn't that imply there are professional male mud wrestlers out there too?
I disbelieve.
-jared

PS: This post is a bit of motivation....I'm finally getting around to updating the Pornographic Nightmare Fuel section. :shudder:

Bother!

2007-08-14T12:00:00.000-07:00

Does this week's banner not make sense to you? Check out Neil Cicierega's "Potter Puppet Pals". I stumbled on to this last week and, well, I can't get it out of my brain.
Neil's name might ring a bell...he's the guy behind that "Ultimate Showdown" song that haunts my nightmares with lyrics about Chuck Norris and his mighty thighs. You can find his music by clicking here. If you haven't seen "The Ultimate Showdown" I suggest starting right there.

On the comic this week: Just to prove I do have limits, I almost didn't post the comic currently up on the site. Here's the same joke in a more....conservative form. When I came up with the line I loved the joke but, well, didn't know if actually illustrating the birth was going too far. From the looks of the comic on the site, I decided to go for it anyway. View the "Family Friendly" version by clicking on the word....um.... uterus. Not as funny but proof that I try to worry about this stuff. Try. Sometimes.

Oh and dear God, it feels good to be writing regularly again.

-jared

PS: Dear Lord, why do I want to call the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie cool? What's wrong with me?

The answer: Because TMNT was the first Toy/Movie/Cartoon phenomenon I really got into. I was too young to really get into Transformers and He-man. Sure, I had the toys but my first kid obsession involved ninjas, turtles, and lots of cowabunga. Shameful, I know.
I still have to confess the new movie doesn't suck. In fact, it's got a pretty unique narrative structure. By "unique" I mean for a movie that's sort of reaching a new generation it totally just ASSUMES you know the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and deals with the meta-plot that the fans (ex-fans) loathe. Mike is no longer a tard. Well he is, but they only put him in the movie for like, 3 seconds. Most of the movie is about Raphael, the goth emo turtle that wants to be Batman. Damn it. Don't make me review Ninja Turtles. It'll only hurt everyone involved. But looking at it now, it'd just be so freaking easy. :sigh:
Curse you childhood. I'll have my revenge some day.

Che Guevara: Corporate Whore Icon

2007-08-10T00:20:00.001-07:00

That last post of mine was damn preachy. As such, I'll keep this short and sweet....I'm sure the horror will wash over you all the same.
If you don't know who Che Guevara is don't be too embarrassed. I didn't know his story though I had seen his face on lots of t-shirts worn by hippies and weird "politico" college friends. Of course, you can buy a t-shirt with his face on it at Hot Topic or even Walmart if your timing is right. If you know anything about Che, you already know he's got to be rolling around in his grave. This is only when you think about the corporations cashing in on the guys image. I'm not saying it's bad to have him on a t-shirt. I'm just saying it's weird that a person my age only knows him as that "T-shirt hippy guy".
Before I get preachy again, why do I bring this up? Because of what I found at the corner store yesterday:

Che Energy? "Taste the Revolution of Energy?" Sweet Jesus.
Thank you Austria. Check out their site:
http://www.cheenergy.com/

Oh and if you actually check out the site, take a look at the ingredients. One of them is listed as "flavour". Not a specific flavour, but PURE flavour. Spooky.
-jared

The Hell is Seignorage?

2007-08-08T04:56:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: Please forgive me while I talk about quarters. I'm a dork.

Seigniorage is the profit the government makes when it prints out new currency. Sort of. The reason I bring it up goes back to 1999, when the US government decided to start printing collectible quarters for each state in the order that they joined the Union. Not that interesting. Each quarter was given, and I quote, a "design honoring its unique history, traditions and symbols, usually designed by a resident of that state and chosen by the state government."

Ok. I get it. So we either get things that are very traditional on the quarter (see above) or something that pretty much sums up how awesome a state is. Take Florida's for instance:

Quarter sums it up nicely. Beaches, one of the first states to be discovered, and, well, that whole kick-ass NASA thing. The quartera never really got my attention until a certain one found it's way into my wallet. I looked at it in disbelief. While other states are putting up slogans and historical events on their quarters, what did the state of Alabama put? Alabama, capital of the confederacy. The state that housed the early industrial center of young America. Sure it has a reputation for slavery, racism, and backwardness, but surely the state would bring its good traits to light for this special currency minting event?
Maybe not.

The best thing about Alabama is, according to the state itself, may well be the fact that Helen Keller was born there. Possibly one of the most famous American Socialists that was known for overcoming her handicaps....I still find it very strange that out of ALL of Alabama's history the "spirit" of Helen Keller's courage is the most memorable thing they could present. That's as if Florida put the band Creed on their Quarter saying "Hey Guys, Creed came from our state, aren't we awesome?". Said quarter would have the slogan "With arms wide open" on a scroll with a palm leaf next to it.
:sigh:
Don't ask me why I brought this up. It bugs me and, well, yeah. It just does. Helen Keller was awesome but she's not exactly the cultural icon that she used to be. Hell, that whole "holy crap she's a freaking Socialist" got her in quite a bit of trouble back in the day. Oh and for really freaky trivia, while she was in Japan in 1937 she picked up a dog named "Kamikaze". Which is really, really creepy considering what was about to go down a few years later during World War 2. Maybe the Japanese, who named the dog for her, named it such as a bit of foreshadowing. Or as a joke. I don't know. All I know is that Helen Keller who was NOT the first person in recorded history to learn to speak despite being deaf and blind (google Ragnhild Tollefsen Kåta, who inspired Helen to learn to talk) might not be the best way to summarize the accomplishments of one of the states of America.
I'll shut up now.
-jared

Writer's Block.....and Deery

2007-07-30T01:45:00.000-07:00

It's true. I've been off the writing bicycle for so long that I've forgotten how to ride. As I sort this out and drown my sorrows in ink and strangeness, please enjoy a sneak preview of something positively retarded that I'll be posting a review of soon.

-jared
"currently manning the Writer's Blockade"

Atomic Robo, Behind the Comic

2007-07-27T00:27:00.000-07:00

I posted this on a forum a while back, but still struck me as kind of neat so I'm sharing. Mostly because the few webcomic heads out there might dig it, trivia-wise.

If you read the comic 8-bit Theater (nuklearpower.com...that sprite comic with characters and visuals from Final Fantasy Uno) and have for a while, you'll know that Brian the creator is/was a huge City of Heroes fan. That was the game that swallowed my soul and free time earlier this year. Anyway, years ago he posted pictures of his character, Atomic Robot doing all sorts of things in City of Heroes and generally was the reason I heard about this game in the first place.

Now, his character on City of Heroes is getting his own comic. It kind of raises a weird copyright question. If I build and design my character to exist within someone else's game, do I have ownership or not? Is there some clause in the agreements that gives me copyright of whatever I create? It's kind of weird territory as one's log in name is, in some circles, a real character. A real character that eventually gets his own comic series.

There use to be more Atomic Robo stuff online, but now that the comic book is out, they've revamped the sites to not have any of the City of Heroes screen captures that used to be there.
I just did a bit of digging through the archives and found one of what I was looking for:

http://www.nuklearpower.com/daily.php?date=040601

That was from June 2004. And now, Red 5 comics is launching "Atomic Robo" the comic. Like, yesterday.
http://www.red5comics.com/?p=60

And art!
http://www.nuklearpower.com/images/bw_color_animate.gif
http://www.mechapolis.com/?p=156

This may be one of the first times someone has created a character in City of Heroes and, 3 years later, is getting their own adventures published in comic book form. Obviously the character has evolved, but it's still fun to know I'm playing an online MMRPORG (or whatever) game that inspired something like this. Because the world needs more robots that fight nazis...and this gives people addicted to games hope. Well, creative people that is. You other losers are screwed.
-jared

Edit: In drama news, Brian of Nuklear Power might have actually done this for his friend Michael Buonauro who committed suicide back in 2004. Check out the comments under that old Atomic Robo page in that first link. Interesting, right? I'd post a link to his live journal but it's since been deleted. The creepy thing about the live journal was that he posted in it just before he killed himself. Final post:
"Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda,"
Spooky but, well, yeah. I'll say no more.

Back to the Future: Aqua Teen Hunger Force

2007-07-24T11:05:00.001-07:00

:warning: This post contains a naughty word. You know you love it.

If you know what the Aqua Teen Hunger Force is, then I probably don't need to tell you that I'm a fan. I'm not sure what it is about the show that made me an addict. I think it has something to do with being incredible cute and horrible at the same time. I don't know. As to why I bring it up:
If you know me and have been to my house (sorry, I keep harkening back to a time when only 4 people read the site) then you most likely know about my "Tape of Blood". I've always called incredibly inspirational songs "blood songs" because they motivate me...viscerally. While going to film school in New York I expanded the idea and started making a video tape that contained the best moments from my favorite films, videos, or interviews. I've neglected it over the past couple years but someone exposed me to a newish film that's got an opening that earned a space on the magical tape almost immediately:

Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film For Theaters.
I'm not going to lie and say it's an awesome movie. It is, however, a rather awesome episode of ATHF that's gloriously long. I guess what I'm saying is that some movies based off tv shows twist the concept into something grander (Think Charlie's Angels....or how the new Simpsons movie has the Simpson family saving the world or some such craziness). While the movie isn't too different from a regular episode (which is awesome for us fans) the opening is something of legend. Let me walk you through it; I think I have no choice.
:pause:
You're sitting in a dark theater. The trailers are done and the theater darkens as the movie begins. A familiar scene unfolds...

While they don't sing "Let's all go to the Movies" it's pretty much the same thing. It's pretty straight forward and kind of cute. Halfway through their song they're interrupted.

OH My.

Who doesn't approve of a death metal hate ballad sung by items from the snack bar telling us what we can and can't do in the theater? Allow me to share the lyrics, sung by the band Mastodon:

Don't talk, watch!
Don't talk, watch!
You came here. Watch it.
Don't like it? Walk out.
We still have all your ****ing money.

Do not nudge, kick or jiggle the seat in front of you.
I'm sitting there!
I am everywhere at once
and I will cut you up.

If you make out here,
I will cut your lips and tongue
from your head
with a linoleum knife.

Do not explain the plot.
If you don't understand, then you should not be here.
Your money is our money
and we will spend it on drugs.

Do not crinkle your food wrappers loudly.
Be considerate to others,
or I will bite your torso
and give you a disease.

Did you bring your baby?
Babies don't watch this.
Take the seed outside. Leave it in the streets.
Run over it after the show.

If I see you videotaping this movie,
Satan will rain down your throat with hot acid
and dissolve your testicles
and turn your guts into snakes.

This is copyrighted movie for Time Warner.
If I find that you've sold it on eBay,
I will break into your house
and tear your wife in half.

O_O

Just had to share. Talk to you later, boys and girls.
-jared

Edit: I love this day and age. Check it out for yourself:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OMb9Z43oK3k

From Humble Origins?

2007-07-08T22:51:00.000-07:00

I love the fact that my movie collection is a mysterious pile of stuff my rental store decided they needed to throw away. When I picked it up it was literally giant garbage bags of old movies that most of us hadn't heard of. So when I spend a weekend painting and watching bad films, I always stumble across something new.
The year is 1969. A certain body builder gets a role in a movie. The problem is that his English is non-existent. Either that, or it was really, really bad. Point is the star of this movie was the only character dubbed into English. If you've figured out who it is, you get a gold star. Here's the box:

Also known as "Hercules with Muscles", this tribute to late 1960's bodybuilding, Hercules movies, and bad comedies about life in New York was AMAAAAAAAAAAZING. Mostly because while it has Arnold in almost every scene, it has someone else entirely doing the voice. To put that in context, just image that George Bush started talking like Bugs Bunny. It's sort of an improvement but it's all too unsettling. If that makes any sense at all.
-jared

Edit: Review forthcoming. Because more people need to know about the time Arnold wrestled with a man in a bear costume.

I'm Alive, I swear

2007-06-26T00:37:00.000-07:00

Seriously guys, I totally forgot to update the Blog. Oops. I'm doing great, minus a slight issue with getting back up to speed with the movie mocking. I've got some great stuff lined up but when push comes to shove, I keep wondering what the hell is shoving me.

Oh and for all you kind people who read the blog and sent me "get well soon, you big emo dork" messages, here's tomorrow's article a day early. It's a short one, but there really wasn't too much to say about Satan's Cheerleaders.

http://www.headinjurytheater.com/article82.htm
-jared
"who wonders why the hell RAPE is in almost every damn horror movie from yesteryear"

Don't Panic

2007-05-30T08:40:00.000-07:00

What's This? No Update?

Don't worry. A very weird weekend followed by weird reality clashes (if you know me in real life you probably know what I'm talking about....DRAMA) meant that I'm seriously behind on everything. It's nothing to worry about. Really. Check back in a couple days and I'll have some magic for you guys.

Promise.

I swear.

Most likely.

-jared

Wikipedia...Oh No!

2007-05-18T02:18:00.000-07:00

Not to name any names, but a person I know online that does a webcomic wrote me an email that I could only describe as an attempt at a rally cry to unite all webcomic guys against wikipedia. I've always joked about how I thought it was TOTALLY bizarre that someone would put me in wikipedia. It was done a LONG time ago, well before the site had any decent-sized audience. ( I don't know what decent-sized is for a website, but we're going to break 4 million unique visitors by the end of the month.) The point of the email was that Wikipedia is removing all sorts of webcomic-type entries from their encyclopedia....and I got the axe. I'm not sure what the reason was (as sheer number of traffic USED to be a factor on what stayed on Wiki) but I'm cool with it.
While this does make me a little sad, it's not a big deal....seriously. I'm posting about it because I want it to be known...I really don't care. I'm not comfortable with someone posting a summary of my LIFE on one page anyway. My existence should NOT fit into only 4 paragraphs.
-jared
"who secretly cries inside because wikipedia won't love him like she used to"

Edit: On a side note, I dyed my hair blue this weekend. I'm officially no longer presentable for normal employment.
Yay.

What the heck?

2007-05-05T10:12:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to say the site won't be updating until Monday. My videocard imploded and I figured a weekend away from the computer would actually end up being a good thing. I'll be back up to speed by [Edited on Wednesday due to lies!]
That is all.
-jared

Edit:

Oop. That isn't all. Like, at all.

By the by, when I did have a computer that didn't need repairs, there were a couple of websites that were swallowing my soul/time. Check them out, particularly if you're like me and don't have access to American Culture. You know what I mean: Television.

http://www.tv-links.co.uk/

and the slightly less professional:

http://www.yourtvlinks.com/

Dear God, you have to love the day and age we live in. Now to get those flying cars equipped with robotic Gynoids. And yes, that is the "classic" name for Fembots. I'm such a dork.

Wednesday Edit: Holy crap, I'm a big fat liar. Real life has been stupid distracting me. On the plus side I've got a bunch of articles set up I just need some time to get them posted/typed into the happy machine that is my computer. Thanks for humoring me. On the plus side, I've been painting like a FIEND since last weekend. Seriously. I did like 20 paintings in one session. Felt great to be back in the swing of things.

Nazi Robots Go!

2007-04-21T02:23:00.000-07:00

Man, I love it when people tell me about awesome things.

Like cinematic cartoons featuring giant Nazi Robots.
http://www.e-motionaldesign.com/blog/nazi-robot-attack/
Woo. Freaking. Hoo.
-Jared

Illustration Friday: Polar

2007-04-20T13:40:00.000-07:00

Well, considering how IllustrationFriday.com chose my suggestion for this week's art topic (thank you Colin for letting me know...I've been slacking on the IF habit as of late), I figured I need to do it. So, enjoy "Polarity" which was painted with the usual watercolor hybrid stuff I play with. I flipped it so you don't have to turn your monitor upside down to dig the alternate.

I promise I'll get back to "funny art" some day. Really.

I've just been in a weird mood. For a while now.

-jared

The NeverEnding Pain...

2007-04-17T15:06:00.000-07:00

In case you didn't notice with this week's article, the NeverEnding Trilogy hurt me a lot. I find no shame in confessing that it might have been the worst movie marathon I've ever done. Not because the films were terrible terrible (though Part 3 is definitely in my bottom 10), but because the first one was so good. It's like being lifted by angels so that you can later by thrown into pits of broken glass and ants.
I'll get over it.
...
I'll also probably revise this week's article when the anger/pain inflicted by the trilogy isn't fresh in my mind. You know, so I'm not a complete negative nancy, as my grandmother would say.
-jared

Btw, Racing Snails make everything better.

Dave Kelly Lives....

2007-04-11T01:18:00.000-07:00

...and is being plagiarized. If you remember the original links section of the site, you might remember that Dave Kelly's work was heavily listed there. Dave Kelly was the first online artist I ever really got into and it always made me sad when he stopped updating all his comics, started yelling at his fans, and apparently ran off to the Something Awful forums to do some Flash animation there. Of course now I can understand his reasons a little more, but once you're a fan of someone and they generally let you down....well, it happens. Its sort of why if I ever decide to stop updating the website, I'll let you guys know. Dave Kelly's taught me a lot of stuff, both good and bad.

Oddly enough he's resurfaced as some sort of posterchild for the webcomic scene. Of course, about five years ago he pretty much was there already. But now? Now he's getting ripped off by the guy who does t-shirt designs for Hot Topic. Pretty Blatantly too. Check it out:
http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=2416213

The only thing I hope that comes out of this might be a resurgence in Dave Kelly. I always liked his stuff and seriously hated that he vanished from the scene as far as I could tell. Of course now that he's got all sorts of webcomic people backing his cause (from SomethingPositive to PVP to, well, lots of web-comic centric folks) maybe he'll come out of retirement. I mean, I know he didn't retire but if you don't update your site for three years and your best work is no longer online...I'm not sure what to call that.

Dave Kelly, I wish you luck and its great to see you again. You were one of the people that helped me figure out I needed to share my stuff online. Good luck getting that rich bastard to fork over some coin for ripping you off.
-jared

PS: Just to put Dave Kelly in context a little more:
Here's his Central page, showing both how prolific he once was and how the last time he updated it was on Halloween of 2004.
http://www.davekellycentral.com/
His new site, Shmorky.com updated more recently (for only a month over the summer of 2006), but if you look at it you'll find rather scathing commentaries of the more popular webcomics out there. If you're a webcomic junky, you might dig his vision.
(Not safe for work)
This one was my particular favorite, mostly because its pretty much true in regard to giant gonzo boobs:
Waspi Square as brought to you by Dave Kelly:
http://shmorky.com/d/20060522.html

I always liked Dave Kelly for beating his own drum. His "screw everyone" attitude was refreshing somehow. But him being the new posterchild for webcomic plagiarism? It's pretty surreal.

:Edit: I just realized the link to the Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter isn't set up properly. I'm away from my home right now so I'll fix it later this afternoon. Sorry about that boys and girls.

I'm back and dear Lord, I hate vacation.

2007-04-10T01:50:00.000-07:00

I don't know what it is about vacations that defeat the crap out of me. I've got a pretty easy life going, so when a vacation comes by I sort of feel undeserving and, well, worried that I won't be able to pick back up on my routine when I get back. And, if you've been following the site for a while, you already know what I'm talking about. Every vacation is followed by a couple weeks of slackitude, something I'm trying to avoid. By the way, slackitude includes responding to emails and what-not, something I'm still seriously behind on.
That said, fighting the urge to spend all my free time crushing the forces of Good by playing City of Villains has been difficult. Particularly when the Art I do for the game gets me two more months of free game time. If you go to the main page (for the uk), you'll find a painting of mine. Seriously. Check it out:
http://uk.cityofvillains.com/

Oh and all those jokes I made about online gaming being digital crack? Apparently those weren't jokes. This crap is evil addictive.
-jared

PS: Because I totally forgot about Easter, come back tomorrow for a review of "Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter." I was going to review "Jesus Christ: Serial Rapist" but Bill Zebub hasn't sent me a copy yet. And that's a shame because that would've made a killer doulbe-feature.

On Vacation! To See the Pope!

2007-03-25T14:55:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the upcoming week of silence guys. On Monday night I'll upload with what I can before I catch my plane and do a grand tour (or as grand as you can get in 7 days) of Italy. I'm looking forward to it mostly because life has been CRAZY over the past week. That Opera I was working in (that used my art for the poster and all that) sucked up all my time so hopefully you guys can forgive me. March was supposed to be my "get my ass in gear" month, but I really got too busy to do much about that. I've got lots of stuff started but nothing good enough to declare as finished. So I thank you guys for humoring me and I'll be back on April 4th.
On the plus side this means that I CAN'T do anything stupid on my website for April Fool's Day. You know, because that's what everyone does if they run a website apparently.

Totally off topic, am I the only one who thinks that the following ad for a Dr. Strange comic is particularly foul?

Dump of Doom! Dump of Doom!
:sigh:
-jared

Tequila Clown Flashbacks...

2007-03-13T06:04:00.000-07:00

If you've checked the site, you already know that I finally got around to doing another Art Crash of sorts. And while it took me a day to recover, I can still feel the effects of my exploits all around me. In fact, I'm obviously having Tequila Clown Flashbacks. Because only those would explain why I had THIS staring into my face when I checked my email this morning:

Thank you reality, for using synchronicity to further implant my new-found fear of clowns.

-jared

(By the way, lots of new stuff coming soon. I'm typing up the review of "Spawn: The Movie from Hell" right now as well as sorting out the Miniature Mayhem stuff. If you read this and want to help me playtest my new miniature game that requires no miniatures, send an email to ohgodtherats@aol.com. If you help me out, I'll even mail you some Art or a lock of my hair or something. Oh and before I forget, I also scanned in something else I found in the attic when I back home: A whole pile of my old paintings. Some of which were done when I was 4 years old. Usually these would be pathetic to share, but I think I was destined to end up being as screwed-up as I am from a very early age. You'll understand when you see how I drew myself back then. Hint: Special Education Helmet. Everytime.)

Edit: Man, I need to revamp the main page so I can post news on it like I used to. The other bit of news is that MY EMAIL HAS BEEN BROKEN for maybe the past month. Apparently the free account that came with my website can only handle so many letters before it quits without telling anyone. So if you've emailed me with something important over the past month, let me know. I had to resort my account, so I potentially lost a bunch of stuff.

Edit Edit: Guess what else I'm finally updating in the next month? Pornographic. Nightmare. Fuel. Finally.

March: The Month Jared Makes up for being a Slack Bitch.

Tequila Demons Return!

2007-03-11T07:07:00.000-07:00

Wish me luck. This time, the theme is clowns. I start drinking and painting....in about 30 seconds. I'm already so frightened.
-jared

Edit: Expect the results to be up Monday morning, Eastern American time. Obviously I won't be able to scan them in and describe my horror today. Obviously.

Edit Edit: I really do hate tequila. Really I do.

Dungeons & Dragons: A follow-up

2007-02-28T03:51:00.000-08:00

While I did make fun of D&D a bit in my last article (http://www.headinjurytheater.com/article73.htm), I think I should say that my digging through three decades worth of made-up monsters did reveal two that I feel morally obligated to share. I also got introduced to what I believe may be the worst role-playing game ever. Between those two reasons, I figured I owed someone a blog post. First off: The Monsters that Bring me joy:
First off, say hello to the Cadaver Collector. In case you can't tell by his name, he collects something. What, you ask?

Oh my. I don't know why the idea of a magical robot, covered with spikes, that wears other people's corpses like shish-kabobs makes me so incredibly happy. Maybe it's the fact that this thing only exists to parade around the bodies of your enemies, but I'm hoping there's more to it than that.
The other monster I want to share almost made it on the Stupid list. The problem is that it swung the "retarded dial" all the way around so that the needle broke through and decided to stop on awesome. Well, that's not completely true, but I like it too much to put it next to the freaking Raggamoffyn that put its panties on your face. This, my friends, is an Orcwort:

Killer tree? Check. Lots of teeth? Check. Insanely horrible long tongue? Check. Giant purple fruit that walks around on its own and kidnaps people for the tree to eat? Che...wait, what? I love the idea of the Orcwort. It's pretty much an evil Apple tree, if apples could sprout legs and murder people to make the tree happy. If I ever do end up playing Dungeons and Dragons (because I don't admittedly/surprisingly), I really hope that we end up fighting killer fruit. Because that's almost retarded but somehow cool. You know, in a lame "Charles Barkley fighting Godzilla" kind of way.
-jared

Oh I almost forgot. After posting the D&D article, someone sent me a link to a review of the WORST game ever made. The game is called "F.A.T.A.L." which stands for "Fantasy Adventure to Adult Lechery" and the game is legitimately about rape. I'm not kidding. Any game where you have to roll to determine how big your penis is or how wide your -ahem- "holes" is definitely in need of a good kick in the teeth. Particularly when it's supposedly written by someone working on their PhD. By the way, since the game is about particularly foul material (There's an item in the game that turns you into an EVIL JEW) which includes racism, misogyny, and really horrible stuff (like how much you crap when you take damage), I feel I need to warn you that this review isn't safe for work. There's no pictures, but still. There doesn't need to be any. You'll understand.
The Review that will make you CRY

When you're done with that (and have an interesting mental image of the author of the game), makes sure to visit this other site which shows the author's response to the above review. If you ever wanted confirmation that someone's out of touch/batshit insano, I totally endorse taking a peek:
The Author responds to The Review that will make you CRY
And to respond to something said in the above: This isn't an issue of liberals vs. conservative. I love horrible humor. But some of this is just....stupid. It reminds me of the erotic super-heros me and my friend Dan Smart made up when we were 12. We had a woman who had an extra bladder so she didn't have to go to the bathroom so much, a woman with super-stretchy attack breasts, and a lady who could teleport here "naughty place" anywhere on her body. At the time we knew is was retarded, filthy, and not meant to be shared. From what I've read of F.A.T.A.L., the game was written with a very similar mindset on hand.
Which is just wrong.
-jared

PS: Dan, wherever you are, sorry for outing you. I just didn't want to falsely take all the blame for creating the "woman who could make here crotch appear on her hand/face". Don't hate us, people. We were 12....and it's not like we tried to make a role-playing game about it. Jesus.

The Emo Emu

2007-02-27T12:12:00.000-08:00

Dear God, my art is in the news. Again.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ri6ySOHoDfk

That goofy image is really far too popular for its own good.
(Buy your t-shirt today)
-jared

A subtle message (and photos).

2007-02-22T00:23:00.001-08:00

How do you tell your sister that she's chosen for the name of her soon-to-be-born daughter the very same name that you used when you dressed in drag?

Hope she reads the blog, apparently.

By the way, when it comes to naming children, it always pays to make sure you're not giving them the name of a porn star. With the digital age all around us, sharing a name with someone else can be brutal, particularly if they're infamous for their particularly sloppy donkey shows. To prevent this, I recommend all humans enter their soon-to-be-born child's name into the www.iafd.com search function. If the name you've chosen comes back, maybe you should choose a different name. You know, because years from now when they google their own name the only thing they'll find is porn. And that is a birthday present you can avoid before the birth.
-jared

Edit: Because of the fact that images have surfaced elsewhere on the internet, I figured it was time to break my "OMG I don't show any pictures of myself" taboo. I'm not particularly enthused with my appearance but the fact that a lot of people recognize me from how I draw myself (it's the hair I think) made me think it was time to laugh post a terrible picture or two and then pretend it never happened. By the way, did you know that there's a new rule that says you can only post pictures taken of yourself? Part of the "Myspace vs. Webcam" verdict I think. Enjoy these pictures and know I didn't show them to you.

That's not a special effect by the way. Those little "dots of light" are each their only little spot of filthy on my bathroom mirror....and while I'm happy with how it came out I really need to clean my bathroom mirror more. You know, instead of just sneezing on it whenever the whim strikes me.

Oh and remember: always look comedically off camera when taking pictures of yourself. Particularly if you've been drinking so much that it will soon be criminal.
And here's me on Halloween, just because my exceedingly hairy forearms are legendary.

Remember. I didn't show these to you.

City of Villains: The Addiction.

2007-02-05T11:33:00.000-08:00

If you've read the Hourly Comic already, just let me say this: I was exaggeerating. Well, a bit. The game is really addictive. So, in the spirit of separating myself from mind-numbing joy, I'm going to review the game just as I would a comic book or movie. Already great stuff needs to be pointed out, from the fact that you need to power up to gain the ability to go to bed to the simple observation that anyone evil in this game ends up being forced to do a lot of Good. So though you've named your character "Zodiattack the Baby-Masher", you still spend a lot of time stomping on other forces of evil so much so that the Mayor might as well give you an award.

I just wanted to share the character that I made to explore the game with. Say hello to my little friend:

Part Ninja. Part Robot. Part Zombie. Part Pirate. 100% Pure Evil. Coming to a theatre near you.

God, I've avoided online gaming for so long. Now I know why. Reviewing the game will be a nice way of liberating myself from the soul-swallowing coolness that online gaming comic book geekery contains.

-jared

(By the way, if you're in Europe and play the game, drop me a line at Ohgodtherats@aol.com. We'll go step on some puppies in-game together. Like a whore, I made a character on both servers.)

Edit: OMG, I finally got the Hourly Comic up. Geez.