Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Back? The Hell? Movie Time!

By the time you read this, hopefully you've already taken a look at my epic excuse apology that is the Alphabet of Excuses. That said, let's chat.

Whenever I take a break from writing articles, it's always difficult to get back into the swing of things. So, while I meander through my options and get one on the site next week (knock on wood, as I've become the master of update lies apparently) I've decide to share what's in my review pile and, if anyone's psychotically motivated, let you chime in on what I need to get going on. It's an epic pile and dear God I'm going to go through all of it right here and now in the Blog as minor penance for a month of no updates. Let's do this.

1. Spookies.
Terrible Horror movie that is not only terrible but awesome because another director took over once the film had been axed and, well, did horrible things to it. I've been meaning to type this one up because I actually conducted tiny interviews with both the directors, who do, indeed still hate each other. Oh, and it has farting zombies that melt when you throw wine on them.
2. The Secret History of Mystery Science Theater 3000. This article is going to be blasphemous to MST3K fans (I am one, I should know) because it brings to light a few things most psycho fans don't already how Joel was a guest on Saturday Night live about the same time the SNL crew was doing a movie called "IT came from Hollywood" where they made comments while watching scenes from bad movies. I love MST3K, but there's sordid history that's weird lurking there.
3. Kolobos.....terrible movie featuring subliminal messages, MTV satire, and erotic face-cutting.
4. Pocket Ninjas.....a friend of mine got this at the Walmart discount bin years ago and still it haunts me. More a training film for karate, this cinematic masterpiece culminates in kids wearing virtual reality goggles and covering the bad guy in silly string.
5. Snakes on a Plain and Snakes on a Train. Need I say more about this serpent-themed double-feature?
6. Beowulf. The new 3-D film is.........words fail me. Seriously. This is the most recent film on the list and one that a lot of folks actually went to see at imax. Poor dopes.
7. Roller Blade Warriors. No rollerblades, but does feature strippers who can't roller skate pretend they can in a post-apocalyptic future.
8. Terror Toons 1 & 2.
Terror Toons is the worst film I've ever seen. It's a religious experience. I haven't had the balls to watch the sequel, but a review is as good an excuse as any.
9. Gymkata. Who doesn't want to read a review about a gymnastics-based superhero?
10. Jack Frost 2. The first movie ever reviewed on the site was Jack Frost. The sequel? So much worse. And by worse I mean better. Because it's worse.
11. My Demon Lover. Man becomes a demon when he gets an erection. A love story. O_O
12. Bad Channels, Terrorvision, Video Dead, Remote Control....a 4-way review all about evil televisions. And Aliens. Or Zombies. On channel four.
13. Wild Beasts. Have you seen a movie about zoo animals and ballet students on LSD-induced killing sprees? I know I have.
14. Pornographic Nightmare Fuel. I have so much porn to review, add to that page it hurts. My sense of decency says no one needs to hear what I've been exposed to, but Amputee Porn is real and haunts me in my sleep. :shudder:
15. Rumpelstilskin (or however you spell it). A shakespearian actor takes on the role of a baby-stealing troll with the hard to spell name. Hilarity ensues.
16. Uninvited & Strays: A double feature all about killer house cats. Lol, even.
17. Doctor Mordrid....starring Jeffrey Combs, this movie was the original Dr. Strange Movie until Marvel Comics pulled out at the last minute. It's....special. All I can say.
18. Zombie Ninja Gangbangers. What happens when Porn Actresses make horror movies? A lot of zombie rape, it would seem.
19. Amalgam the 1990's, Marvel and DC Comics got together and combined their characters. Hilarity and Suck beyond imagination was brought into the world.
20. Project Geeker.....what show is most like Futurama without being Futurama? Starring a few of the voice actors from that very show, this Futuristic Sci-Fi satire/comedy/action cartoon is...unique. All I can say.
21. Invitation to Hell. A rarely seen Wes Craven flick all about a health spa run by Satan.
22. Wendy's Grill Skills. A training video from 1988 teaching one how to properly cook a Wendy's hamburger. Told completely in Rap.
23. S.I.C.K......Serial Insane Clown Killer.
24. Double D Avenger.....another stripper/porno-inspired action movie. That makes my eyes bleed.
25. Shrunken Heads. How often does one see a film where the heroes of a film are the shrunken heads of preteens?
...and a lot of others. That's enough of a list for now.
If you see something you NEED to read about, drop me a comment or a line at

Thanks for humoring me guys and, again, for all the emails of concern/support over the past month. You rock.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Been a fan a while (found it while Google-ing 'baragon' (I wonder how many other girls in the history of the world have Google-d 'baragon' knowing full well that it was a Godzilla monster)), but I've never actually commented yet.
That said, I'd love to see your take on Beowulf. I had no idea what I was getting into when I rented that thing. My Demon Lover and Invitation to Hell sound.. interesting. Also: so you're saying Jack Frost 2 is worse than the first? Is that even possible? I can't even imagine the pain.

2:20 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

Above all, Wendy's Grill Skills, Shrunken Heads, Wild Beasts, and Snakes on A Plane/Train. I honestly thought that Snakes on a Train was just a photoshop all this time.

6:52 PM  
Blogger Jared said...

Oh yes, "Snakes on a Train" is very, very real. And it's fantastic. One of the first scenes features a Hispanic woman giving birth to like a bajillion snakes. She is, of course, on a train.
Based on a true story, apparently.

7:22 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

The day I declare you dead, you rise from the grave! I'm not a very good embalmer, apparently.

8:43 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I would say the TMNT movie series (NOTE: NOT THE NEW ONE). It goes from good to bad to suck. Just like the never ending story series.

11:27 PM  
Blogger Ben said...

Yay, Jared rose from the dead!
Your pictures and articles are alway a silver stripe of amusement on the horizon, so thanks for that. Btw, the U and X pictures turned out really good.

Well, My Demon Lover, Roler Blade Warriors and the Snake movies sure sound "great". ^^

1:11 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Review them all. NOW, damnit....

I'm waiting!

4:17 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Beowulf, definitelly. It's been unfairly maligned IMO... but if anyone's going to malign it, they might as well do it right, and Jared's the man for the job.

7:50 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

do the mst3k one. i need some shameful trivia to help kill my unquenchable video cassette love affair with joel. and mike. mmmm.

10:01 PM  
Blogger Hulyen said...

Hurray! Now get out of my head!

As I brought up the site I'd decided that if it was still update-less I was going to go into the other room and speculate with my roommate about the possibility of your death. Then I saw the header. Gah.

10:09 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

Had a look at the grill skills video. Wow. I love it but I think if we make Jared watch the whole thing he might end up in an institution.

11:27 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

Jack Frost 2!
I have been waiting ages to see you review that.

12:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Do MST3K. I love/hate that show.

1:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If Terror Toons is the worst film you've ever seen, well, that says something. (But not as well as an article would say it!) And I'm more than a little curious about Spookies.

8:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You're back! I was beginning to worry!

2:38 AM  
Blogger Enkison said...

Oh...oh gods. Pocket Ninjas? You're going to write about it? About the endless repetition of scenes, that made me feel drunk despite not drinking at the time? The great Z'Dar-ian jaw that, come Ragnarök, will swallow the world?

I fear for your sanity.

4:11 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

Review all of them, you just have to...I can't wait!

9:36 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

*knocks on wood*

6:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jared, you're back! I'd love for you to review Jack Frost 2. Please please please.

9:13 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

We see you're making a new one, yes...

12:22 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey, the real reason Wendy's burgers are square: Because with everyone making round burgers, Thomas knew you could fit more square patties on a grill. It the was the fast food-pie hole-stuffing consumers that went gaga over square patties of meat.
Historical fact!

3:44 PM  
Blogger Jared said...

But...but..but....the patty is square so the meat hangs over the bun. And people like that.

OK, I'm feeling better now. That's actually pretty interesting. Funny I didn't realize that while watching the video, which feature big boxes of square meat. From my job at _______ I totally understand what it means to spin something that's good for the company as something that's good for the customer. It's not bad that the burgers are square, but if they just said "so we can fit more of them on the grill" it just couldn't sound like people like that the meat hangs over the edge of the bun because people like that.

7:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yeh, I suppose if they went with the " we can fit more patties on the grill" thing, casual cynics, such as myself, might find that rather ominously dire in more than one way.
Besides which, I like Wendy's okay. Even if you do need to replace the toilet and receive an anus transplant after every meal.
By the way, Jared, I gotta say...I fing LOVE your movie reviews! I dunno if it's good or bad that I've grown up on nearly every movie you've reviewed...I'll ponder than in another lifetime. But keep it up! You entertain me to no end!
And hey-hey, I'm an artist, too. I'm ttly going to draw something for you. 'Cause you're funny. In a great way.

7:30 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

In case my email didn't go through, enjoy this training video Jared.

10:43 PM  
Blogger E. Will said...

Please please please do Amalgam Comics. I never read any of them but I do still have the DC Vs. Marvel TPB (which is unusual because I have always hated superhero comics). I recall the lameass character Access with the teleportation power even had his own comic for at least one issue and it was stupid beyond belief.

And by the way, may I just say that I have been unable to look at your site for months (because it was blocked by my dorm's firewall) and I've actually been going through withdrawls. I love your site and I'm so glad I can finally read it again. :)

3:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Do Beowulf please. The suck in that film deserves to be mocked. It looks like a poorly animated video game cutscene for a start.
Anyway, I'm glad you're back. :)

1:27 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I would totally like to see a review of Snakes on a Plane. Please.

2:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'll have you know, that Gymkata is one of my favorite movies of all time!

It used to be one of those features that ran mid-afternoon in the summer where I grew up and I caught it a few times as a kid. Years later it's in the discount bin on a trip to blockbuster in college. Nostalgia for $3. You can't beat that!

Incidentally, my $3 bought Gymkata, but my firend Jason's bought "A boy and his dog, a super sexual sci-fi love story" The most bizzare and awful movie ever, which makes the whole 2-hour torture ordeal worth it in the last 3 minutes.

11:21 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Jared, you should check out the movie Eraserhead. It is kinda hard to find, at least where I'm at. It was directed by David Lynch and released in 1977. You might like it. or not.

7:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hmm, it's interesting that among everything mentioned, Dr. Who doesn't come up. There have been a lot of monsters in the course of that series, some of which have shown up again in the new series.
Also some new monsters. In season 1, there was one story featuring a boy in a gas mask who wound up becoming infected by alien medical nanobots that thought every other human ought to have sever brain damage and a gas mask. Series 3 brought in the Weeping Angles, Alien creatures that were stone statues when you were looking at them, but could move and kill you whenever you looked away from them. And Series 4 brought in the Vashtanarada, an invisible swarm of something that infested shadows and could strip a person to the bone in less than a second.

6:06 PM  

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