Thursday, June 26, 2008

D&D Monsters: What I didn't include.

Holy articles. And out when expected. The hell?
Part 2 of D&D Stupid Monsters and 4th Edition: A Noobian Guide

By the by, there was one book I found that I just couldn't bring myself to add to the list. It's not official...though it is written by a long-time writer of Dungeons & Dragons. If you don't know about this, you really should. It's....special.
You can find it on Amazon and, well, if you know someone who's seriously in D&D....get it for them as a birthday present. It'll melt their head. Don't believe me? Check out this spell:
Wow. Not the reference to birth control magic as well. Oh and they have monsters in the book too! Well, sort of.
This, ladies and gentlemen, is a Pleasure Golem.
Made of wax and "very fresh human flesh" because if it was rotting human flesh that would be gross, these golems are for sex. Which is pretty much what wizards would do if they could create mindless slaves but still the hell! Also know that this book is the 1st D&D book I've seen that has photographs instead of illustrations. The photographic manipulation is pretty good and I have to admit the pictures are usually pretty awesome. It's only when you realize that you're not reading an issue of Propaganda magazine and instead are reading an adventurer's guide to sex magic via rolling dice. I also had a picture of a woman infected by an "infestation" spell, which literally teleports ticks and spiders into the crotch of someone you dislike. The picture, while not explicit, just seems too horrible to share. Your imagination is probably better than the real thing anyway. Well, maybe.

One last thing: The book also has special Character Classes, such as the Sacred Virgin.
Barbarian: Welcome to the party. What is it that you do?
Sacred Virgin: Only once, really.
Rogue: Erotic Sneak Attack.
Sacred Deflowered Virgin: Ah crapsticks.
The book is for Mature Adults only...and I just don't qualify. The book creeps me out because I just don't know who would actually play with these rules. My theory was the book was written for comedic value...but too much work went into it. Professional photography, real D&D boggles the mind.

Hope you guys enjoyed the walk down Geek Lane this week...things are kind of getting back to normal. Thankfully.

Now playing: Lords of Acid - I Must Increase My Bust
via FoxyTunes


Blogger & skull. said...

-facepalm- the things people put hours of their life into writing still doesn't cease to amaze me.

6:53 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ah, the Book of Erotic Fantasy, probably the reason they locked down the Open Gaming License and made it so that 4e third-parties have to get their product vetted by WotC.

Strangely, none of my DMs ever let me take any paragon paths from that book. "But I want to be a slutty wizard!"

12:30 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jared, you do know about FATAL, don't you?

If you don't, and you go looking... well, I guess you can blame me in the end.

5:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Holy crap.

I don't want to know the audience for this book. Really, I don't. What's really horrifying is that, on the now-defunct WOTC forums, there was a sub-forum dedicated to "mature" gaming. It was supposed to be about the Books of Vile Darkness and Exalted Deeds, but somebody would bring this book up everyt hird thread.

Why are so many gamers so scary?

9:06 PM  
Blogger Sara said...

That is disgusting, Jared! ...of course, you would find it. :)

By the way, I remember when we were in high school, you LIVED off Lords of Acid at home...ooooooh, the memories. I specifically remember the pussy song, which is just gross...saying that when I think of my brother listening to Lords of Acid...THAT song comes to mind. ICK!

4:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I assume this is also why you refused to include WotC's official 2003 Fiend Folio penis worm. err... I mean "century worm", yeah, right...

4:33 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Look at it this way.... the pleasure golem is just a way the wizard can make his own Frankenhooker (a movie with explosive crack)

12:28 PM  
Blogger #6 said...

The erotica for D&D was in all the netbooks for 2e D&D... The high point of the game for me. 3e onwards I just couldn't take the marketing crap and wrote my own games instead.

6:34 AM  
Blogger brett said...

Dude, that book is hilarious, the description of the half-orc getting it on with the elf... too much to handle.

2:42 PM  
Blogger Valraven said...

I wouldn't be surprised if this has been mentioned but several of the monsters in part one are mythical creatures, and hence not created by D&D writers...
the Senmurv, and raggamoffyn are from myths. I think the Vargouille is based on the penangolan, a vampire that consisted of a woman's head and entrails.
In part two:
re:flying schlongs... Roman's wore such things as virility charms.
I think the Peltast lives on in 3rd edition as the Bag of Devouring. it's an extradimensional creature that eats you when you stick your hand in thinking it's a bag of holding. It doesn't have stats, it's considered a cursed item.

thought eaters look a lot better now:

5:15 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

There is nothing wrong with sex and gaming. Think about it's not wierd to be Murdering other races for Gold But if Sex is taboo?? Seriously think about the message that creates. Sex is not scary. Sex is fun. Talk about Sex. In fact I'm going to be playing BOEF with my girlfriend and her friends today. It will be fun. Open yourself up. (BTW True 20 works great with it.)

9:02 AM  

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