Thursday, June 19, 2008

Gah....and stuff.

I hate talking about personal stuff online....the whole emo thing sort of belittles online venting about loss and what-not. It was the first death of a family member I've had to experience and it hit hard. Oh well. I will say thank you to the surprisingly high number of folks who wrote to me asking if I was alright. It was touching...if I haven't written back to you know that my inbox has almost hit quadruple digits and know that I will thank you for being uplifting. That said, I need your help.

I'm writing a sequel to an old article. I've been doing it a while, but I've finally got off my ass and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Remember this article?
Article 73: Terrible Monsters of Dungeons and Dragons
Sure you do. Well, turns out I missed a LOT of monsters. Enough to warrant a follow-up. Not only that but I also got emails from some of the terrible monster's creators...including the dreaded Asswere. Truly, life is good. Just to give you a taste, here's yet ANOTHER race of evil squirrels.
Their little hats are there to inspire fear, obviously. I've also expanded the scope of the sequel to include official rules for running sexual orgies in the first edition of D&D (seriously) all the way to the newly launched 4th Edition of Dungeons & Dragons. Truth be told, after I wrote that article some Dungeon Nerds kidnapped me and got me into the game. So, I'm a lot geekier now than I used to be. With that established:

If you know of a terrible monster from Dungeons & Dragons (or their official magazines, etc) that truly needs to be mocked by all means let me know. There's no way I'll find them all and God knows I have some gamer veterans reading this site from time to time. Thanks a lot guys and if what I've already got prepared is any indication, this one's going to be good. And by "good" I mean so terrible it'll wound your soul.
Email me at Jared @ and know that you rock.
(at, apparently)

Disclaimer: No April Fool's Day Monsters and if you do suggest a monster, let me know where I can find it. Ever since someone got my hopes up by describing the Poop Golem, it's just not easy to trust anyone anymore. You know, because we all want to believe in a magical creature made literally of crap.

Now playing: Mindless Self Indulgence - Never Wanted To Dance- Combichrist- Elctro Hurtz Mix
via FoxyTunes


Blogger colorlessblue said...

Hi. Totally off topic, it's just that I put your site on the links of things I read, on my blog. i guess it doesn't matter much, I just thought letting you know would be polite. Hmm. I know nothing about monsters. But I'll read when you write about them. That's it. *waves*

11:44 AM  
Blogger Apothecary Dragoon Officer said...

Wikipedia delights me once again:

Its not a Golem, perse, but the Homunculus!

"The Homumculus appears occasionally in the folklore of Eastern Europe as a construct made from natural materials such as dirt, roots, insects, feces, and other substances. In these stories the creature is revived through incantation and acts as a vehicle for the astrally projected mind of a sorcerer."

and I'm glad you're feeling better.

9:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


I think we played 4e yesterday. I wonder if the remaining guys survived...


11:16 PM  
Blogger Bookgal said...

Glad to see your back, and I hope you're feeling better. I'll ask my hubby, who's an old school D&D player, if he knows any monsters for you. Side note: Your Stupid D&D monsters article was what lead me to your site in the first place. I was writing a hand out for parents who wanted info on our RPG I run at the library for teens, and I found the article by accident looking for sites I could list on the hand out.

7:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The ridiculous D&D monsters was the first article of yours I ever read, consequently it was what got me addicted to your Entertainment section. I'm really looking forward to a sequel!
Really sorry to find out about a death in your family, though, dude. Hoping you be doing well.

4:34 PM  
Blogger said...

I too discovered you via your D&D monsters article after googling the flumph.

Wanted to let you know that Crap Golems are featured in Erfworld (

The other Giantitp comic (OOTS) has recurring flumphs, which led me to the googling in the first place.


8:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

With all of the other crazy games out there, I'm surpries you're not hitting them as well. For example, Yugioh or Pokemon.

12:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nice article as always Jared. By the way, the Tarasque comes from a legend. Here's the wikipedia entry for you

5:21 PM  
Blogger Arquinsiel said...

I'm too much of a nerd even for D&D....

8:08 PM  
Anonymous طراحی سپتیک تانک بتنی said...

طراحی سپتیک تانک بتنی

10:36 AM  

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