Thursday, February 04, 2010

Art Dumpster Diving: The Faux Auction

Disclaimer: This idea is crazy. And terrible. But somehow, awesome.
UPDATE: New Deadline...ends February 22nd!

I paint a lot. I literally have thousands upon thousands of pieces in my collection and while I've sold hundreds (upon maybe hundreds) of them over the years, they stack up. And now...I'm out of room. Almost literally. This is kind of what you get when you do a horde of marathon art sessions. So while my policy is generally to keep everything like a pack rat, I went through the entire collection with the intent to make room. What I walked away with is a stack of 200 paintings that I was, with regret, going to part with. Then my business gnome/biggest fan made a suggestion: I offer the mystery box to anyone interested. So here's the deal, in straightforward language.

For Sale: 200+ random paintings/artwork. (Free Shipping, anywhere in the World)
Asking Price: $100 or Best offer/Highest Bid. Winner gets the bundle shipped to them on February 22nd...the bidding ends a week early!
Current Highest Bid: $160, 22nd bidder still plans on...I've lost track. Let me get back to you, but they'll use the art for something unsavory I'm sure. (I'll do my best to keep this bit current, boys and girls)

You: What the hell can I do with 200 of your reject paintings?
Me: Well, let's address the last part first.

They're not rejects. Well, some of them are. Some of them are early sketches for Opera paintings, Dungeons & Dragons work, as well as all types of completed art that I think I can or have done better since I painted it (I've painted a LOT of Devils & Fishmen over the years). 80% or so have appeared on the site, so they can't be all bad, right? It is an extremely eclectic bunch of pieces with work from almost every project I've worked on in the past 6 years. But yes, some of them do suck on toast and there's no way you'll be happy with each and every one. I mean, did you see what my art was like 6 years ago? What do you want for 50 cents?

What can you do with them? Here are some suggestions:
1. Wallpaper your Bedroom, for that authentic "batsqueak insane" warning sign everyone will be talking about for years.
2. Pretend to be me. After all, why else would you have 200+ paintings? Everyone knows crazy geek online painters get all the chicks (or dudes, if you're so inclined).
3. Give them to everyone for Christmas. Every Christmas, until you're dead. I mean, how many people need gifts?
4. Have physical proof of your gambling addiction. I bought art without seeing it? What's your problem?
5. Place them at murder locations to throw the police off your trail. Fun with Fingerprints!
6. Resell them for profit, saying they were done by your mentally retarded sibling, who is too sick to stand out in the mall parking lot, peddling watercolour pieces.
7. Litter with style.
8. Now that I'm getting corporate work...who knows, I might be famous one day (you know, real famous and not internet famous) and they might be worth something.
9. Alternately, you can kill me and suddenly they'll be worth more. Or at least in court you can use the pieces as evidence as to "Why he had to die". Visual aids always help!

So yeah. Are you crazy and a fan? Send an email to with the following info:
Your Bid for the Bundle
Your Name so I can post who is literally my craziest fan on the About page
What you plan to do with the paintings

Such madness. I'm curious if the world is ready for random art bundles. Only time will tell.

PS: Holy crap, I haven't updated the blog in...forever. Updated every day for 2 months but didn't do jack with the blog. Oh well. Sad fact is I'm an ADD poster child, particularly when it comes to online communication. When the blog is active, Facebook is silent. When FB is silent, Twitter sings (and still does at the moment in case you aren't chatting with me there). Hell, if you know me from forums you know I vanish for months on end because I'm on some other forum. I'm an unfaithful forum slut, I confess.

Edit: To answer ANOTHER jerk's question, yes you can buy them and then burn them. It'll make me sad but if you win you've paid the fee to know my tears. You people are twisted.

EditEdit: And yes, the painting of me holding a gun to a painting is in the bundle so the owner can prove they're insane.

EditEditEdit: Shipping is on me, guys and girls, because a) I forgot to mention it and b)I have no idea what it will be and c) I'm happy for these things to find a home/become someone else's problem.


Blogger Unknown said...

FIRST!!!! I know it wasn't really a challenge and everybody hates people who say first, including myself but that's okay because I am actually going to leave a real comment too.

I actually really want to buy those paintings but $150?!? Jared I'd be seriously worried if I was you. Somebody may be taking your suggestions way too seriously. jk

Okay, now I can say I participated on this site. Mission accomplished. Sorry to anybody who actually took the time to read this comment. Sorry for wasting 30 seconds of your life. Okay I'm just rambling now I'm going to stop. It's getting really old proofreading this comment out loud to myself to make sure it makes sense. Hooray for spell check though! Damn it I'm drunk.....

6:49 PM  
Blogger Jared said...

Actually I was surprise so many people were reading this post and bidding, but no one commented. Go figure.

And yeah, I wasn't expecting the bundle to get to $150 so fast. Seriously. Tis madness. And I KNOW there's a bidder who plans on pretending to be me at a convention unless I show up to said convention. A really weird form of blackmail, I have to admit.

Oh and don't feel bad. Drunken comments and emails are really the bread and butter of my site. For better or most likely for worse.

7:28 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

Man, now I've been guilted into commenting. I've been following this site since... I have no idea when (2, 3 years?).
Anyways, thought I should show my appreciation. Your art is fantastic!
If i could afford the $150+ I'd buy them for sure. As for ideas of what to do with them, you could pin them all to your garage door, like one big collage, so everyone knows to stay the ef away! haha.

2:05 PM  
Anonymous Frank E. Fresh said...

Man, if only I could get the money for this. I'd totally wallpaper my bedroom with these paintings. Two of the walls of my bedroom are already literally made of paintings anyways, so I may as well put some on the inside as well.

5:24 PM  

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