Sunday, September 11, 2005

Won't you be my Neighbor?

Last night we had a party and people started sharing horrible neighbor/roommate stories and someone pointed out I had a few that were worth sharing. Since the Blog's all about mini-articles, I figured this would be the best place to share the horror of those that have lived adjacent to me over the past few years.

Neighbor #1:
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The Tourette's syndrome Hooker.
Seriously. When we moved in, her boyfriend (later we would find out he was her pimp) came over to warn us about her Tourette's. "She says some crazy shit sometimes. It's all good though." To be fair, I only saw her a couple of times....though I did hear her in the parking lot a good amount. Luckily the walls of our building were about 3 feet thick and made of it we (luckily) never had to listen to what was going on next door. What I did see was her clientele...because they kept ringing our doorbell instead of hers. Apparently the blue light bulb we used to let our friends know which apartment was ours attracted lonely men like a moth to the flame. I'd open the door and a very shady looking guy would look me up and down and say "Never mind."
Neighbor #2:
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The Ghetto Brothel.
Again, I'm serious here. After our Tourette ’s syndrome Prostitute moved out all was well in the world....until a few months past and I came home to an interesting sight. There, on the neighbor’s porch next to me, was a voluptuous black woman in a thong and corset drinking lemonade. I wasn't sure what to think. Every few days it'd be a different girl sitting there waving at cars as they drove by (our apartments all faced a busy road). Then at night people would be coming and was pretty obvious what was going on there.
Now we fast-forward a month or so ahead....I'm sitting in our living room reading a book when I hear some sort of muffled noise. After searching the apartment it dawned upon me that I was somehow, through the 3 feet of concrete, hearing what was happening in the young ladies' apartment. While I tried to be more cultured than I am, but I admit that I broke down and put my ear to the wall...just to try to understand what the hell I was hearing. I heard one phrase chanted over and over again by what sounded like 4-5 men. "In the Ass! Yeah! In. The. Ass. Whoo-Hoo!
Gah. Apparently that scene from "Requiem for a Dream" was being shot next door. Jesus.

Eventually I moved to upstate New York. There I would be introduced to yet another charming breed of neighbor.
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Neighbor #3: The Care of the State Psycho Lady with her 5 kids that she could only see on Weekends, because she was, after all, insane.
I don't really know how to summarize how terrible this lady was. Imagine this: A woman lives upstairs with her friend. She tells you that she was a nurse until she was given forced disability due to a mental breakdown. Her friend, who lives with her, met her through a chatroom about mental health because she too has problems. Not too scary right? Between the two of them, they had a total of 8 kids...that would all visit us them on the weekends. Combine this with the fact that they lived above us and the ceiling was so thin we could hear everything they did (which was usually yell at each other and the kids). Also throw in the fact that one of them was dating a cop that would routinely threaten my lover whenever I wasn't around and you KNOW this was a wonderful place to live. Luckily they got evicted due to trying to pay the landlord in cat skulls or something and all was well for a while.

Then we moved to Berlin, Germany.
Meet Neighbor #4:
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The Evil German.
Now I want you to know that I drew Baronet (a scary name as well) as a Nazi not because he's a German but because he's an evil German that, until recently, kept telling us Americans to go home so that Germany could be more pure. Besides that he'd make "I'm going to cut out your tongue" or "I'm going to slit your throat" gestures. Eventually we wrote to our landlord who we found out was pretty ashamed to have an elderly German harassing the crap out of us. Since then we haven't had a problem with him. Not directly. Until last night.
Long story short: We think that we might have been making too much noise in our apartment because he shot a firearm into the tree next to our window and started screaming at us. For real.
So.... in case they find my body in a ditch riddled with know who the police should be looking for.
(Who really enjoys Germany minus that spooky bastard who lives upstairs)


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I so do not remember the cop thing... it may have been post NC, though. Have you mentioned your neighbor's tendency toward violence? What if I had been in that tree peeping into your party?! He could have blown my head off!


1:45 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

OMG! I just read Nightmare fuel! How many of these are available stateside?


1:47 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Actually, the cop thing happened while J was still going to BCC... there was one time I got a ticket for "not coming to a complete stop at a stop sign," and scary upstairs neighbor cop told me it was because he had told his cop friends to look out for us.

but, I have a sneaking suspicion that the whole "cop" thing was just his wishful thinking, and he had nothing better to do than sit around listening to a police scanner.

12:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


I had no idea... LOL. Well, if you ever get bored with the exciting life you two can move in next to me and then at least you would know that although possibly a little deranged at times, your neighbor would be friendly and deranged (in a bubbly sort of way). :)


Oh BTW have you heard from "Angel" lately?

12:53 AM  

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