Monday, July 18, 2005

Brimstone: The Book

I read books occassionally. Not as much as I should, but I still get around to it when one strikes my fancy. While I was on vacation in the States I got suckered into buying a copy of Douglas Preston's & Lincoln Child's "Brimstone". In case you didn't know, these were the guys that wrote a great bit of horror known as Relic. Let me give you the text on the back:
"A Body is found in the attic of a fabulous Long Island estate.
There is a claw mark print scorched into the wall, and the stench of sulfur chokes the air.
When FBI Special Agent Pendergast investigates the gruesome crime, he discovers that thirty years ago four men conjured something UNSPEAKABLE.
Has the Devil come to claim his due?"
Before passing judgement about what this book is about let me show you the cover:
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and the inside cover:
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Now based on the information given, what do you think this book's about?
If you guessed that it's a mystery revolving around a fat Italian who invents a microwave gun and has his plans completely ruined by a disgusting MOLE he has on his chest by a detective who's basically a clone of Sherlock Holmes who can do no wrong who happens to be paired up with a stupid out-of-shape cop who can't shoot no matter how many times the main character talks about his "excellent aim"....then your guess would be right. The story's about a fat Italian inventor that builds robot Parrots in his free time that happens to be after a magic violin (think the movie The Red Violin with Samuel Jackson). The main character Agent Aloyisius Pendergast is the perfect man that does everything right...so of course he's got an immortal librarian working for him and an evil brother that's out ot destroy the world. The whole "Evil Brother" thing was obviously meant for a future novel mainly because it shows up only randomly in this book. Gah. I mentioned it before but the "Cop" character, the one the reader follows around for the majority of the book, is annoying because he's 100% foil to how cool Pendergast is. Simply put, up until page 600 he doesn't really do ANYTHING right while Pendergast does everything perfectly right. I hate it when authors design a character so poorly that they don't have flaws. Oh wait. He does have a flaw. An evil twin brother that's out to destroy humanity. :sigh:
Way to go immature character development:
"OMG! IN MY BOOK I'M GOING TO HAVE SPECIAL AGENT RAVEN DARKSTEEL....AND HE'LL BE THE BEST AGENT ON FORCE AND EVERYONE WILL BE JEALOUS BECAUSE HE'S THE BEST AND PLAYS BY HIS OWN RULES BUT HE'S A LADIES MAN TOO THAT HAS LOTS OF SEX AND KNOWS HOW TO USE ALL SORTS OF MEGA-COOL SUPERWEAPONS AND HE'S ALSO A NINJA AND MASTER OF DISQUISE AND IF HE WANTED TO HE COULD FUCKING BLOW UP THE MOON HE'S THAT COOL. AND HE'LL HAVE A FAT LUMPY SIDEKICK TO TELL HIM HOW COOL HE IS AND TO BE JEALOUS WHEN HE GETS THE GIRL. OMG RAVEN DARKSTEEL IS THE COOOLEST!!!!"
I guess I'm just upset because the book started with the idea that Satan was killing people and this was a supernatural book and it turned into a detective story where the main character stares at a Italian's filthy mole to unravel a clue. Because only people in the secret Illuminati Masonic Guild have special magic moles on their chest. :shudder: Right. The dark masters of the world are also members of the "hairy mole club". Gah.
What pisses me off the most is this drek was on the best-seller list.
Now I have to go re-read Relic to get the taste of this book out of my mouth.
-jared

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