:warning: This post contains a naughty word. You know you love it.
If you know what the Aqua Teen Hunger Force is, then I probably don't need to tell you that I'm a fan. I'm not sure what it is about the show that made me an addict. I think it has something to do with being incredible cute and horrible at the same time. I don't know. As to why I bring it up:
If you know me and have been to my house (sorry, I keep harkening back to a time when only 4 people read the site) then you most likely know about my "Tape of Blood". I've always called incredibly inspirational songs "blood songs" because they motivate me...viscerally. While going to film school in New York I expanded the idea and started making a video tape that contained the best moments from my favorite films, videos, or interviews. I've neglected it over the past couple years but someone exposed me to a newish film that's got an opening that earned a space on the magical tape almost immediately:
Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film For Theaters.
I'm not going to lie and say it's an awesome movie. It is, however, a rather awesome episode of ATHF that's gloriously long. I guess what I'm saying is that some movies based off tv shows twist the concept into something grander (Think Charlie's Angels....or how the new Simpsons movie has the Simpson family saving the world or some such craziness). While the movie isn't too different from a regular episode (which is awesome for us fans) the opening is something of legend. Let me walk you through it; I think I have no choice.
You're sitting in a dark theater. The trailers are done and the theater darkens as the movie begins. A familiar scene unfolds...
While they don't sing "Let's all go to the Movies" it's pretty much the same thing. It's pretty straight forward and kind of cute. Halfway through their song they're interrupted.
Who doesn't approve of a death metal hate ballad sung by items from the snack bar telling us what we can and can't do in the theater? Allow me to share the lyrics, sung by the band Mastodon:
Don't talk, watch!
Don't talk, watch!
You came here. Watch it.
Don't like it? Walk out.
We still have all your ****ing money.
Do not nudge, kick or jiggle the seat in front of you.
I'm sitting there!
I am everywhere at once
and I will cut you up.
If you make out here,
I will cut your lips and tongue
from your head
with a linoleum knife.
Do not explain the plot.
If you don't understand, then you should not be here.
Your money is our money
and we will spend it on drugs.
Do not crinkle your food wrappers loudly.
Be considerate to others,
or I will bite your torso
and give you a disease.
Did you bring your baby?
Babies don't watch this.
Take the seed outside. Leave it in the streets.
Run over it after the show.
If I see you videotaping this movie,
Satan will rain down your throat with hot acid
and dissolve your testicles
and turn your guts into snakes.
This is copyrighted movie for Time Warner.
If I find that you've sold it on eBay,
I will break into your house
and tear your wife in half.
Just had to share. Talk to you later, boys and girls.
Edit: I love this day and age. Check it out for yourself: