Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Back? The Hell? Movie Time!

By the time you read this, hopefully you've already taken a look at my epic excuse apology that is the Alphabet of Excuses. That said, let's chat.

Whenever I take a break from writing articles, it's always difficult to get back into the swing of things. So, while I meander through my options and get one on the site next week (knock on wood, as I've become the master of update lies apparently) I've decide to share what's in my review pile and, if anyone's psychotically motivated, let you chime in on what I need to get going on. It's an epic pile and dear God I'm going to go through all of it right here and now in the Blog as minor penance for a month of no updates. Let's do this.

1. Spookies.
Terrible Horror movie that is not only terrible but awesome because another director took over once the film had been axed and, well, did horrible things to it. I've been meaning to type this one up because I actually conducted tiny interviews with both the directors, who do, indeed still hate each other. Oh, and it has farting zombies that melt when you throw wine on them.
2. The Secret History of Mystery Science Theater 3000. This article is going to be blasphemous to MST3K fans (I am one, I should know) because it brings to light a few things most psycho fans don't already how Joel was a guest on Saturday Night live about the same time the SNL crew was doing a movie called "IT came from Hollywood" where they made comments while watching scenes from bad movies. I love MST3K, but there's sordid history that's weird lurking there.
3. Kolobos.....terrible movie featuring subliminal messages, MTV satire, and erotic face-cutting.
4. Pocket Ninjas.....a friend of mine got this at the Walmart discount bin years ago and still it haunts me. More a training film for karate, this cinematic masterpiece culminates in kids wearing virtual reality goggles and covering the bad guy in silly string.
5. Snakes on a Plain and Snakes on a Train. Need I say more about this serpent-themed double-feature?
6. Beowulf. The new 3-D film is.........words fail me. Seriously. This is the most recent film on the list and one that a lot of folks actually went to see at imax. Poor dopes.
7. Roller Blade Warriors. No rollerblades, but does feature strippers who can't roller skate pretend they can in a post-apocalyptic future.
8. Terror Toons 1 & 2.
Terror Toons is the worst film I've ever seen. It's a religious experience. I haven't had the balls to watch the sequel, but a review is as good an excuse as any.
9. Gymkata. Who doesn't want to read a review about a gymnastics-based superhero?
10. Jack Frost 2. The first movie ever reviewed on the site was Jack Frost. The sequel? So much worse. And by worse I mean better. Because it's worse.
11. My Demon Lover. Man becomes a demon when he gets an erection. A love story. O_O
12. Bad Channels, Terrorvision, Video Dead, Remote Control....a 4-way review all about evil televisions. And Aliens. Or Zombies. On channel four.
13. Wild Beasts. Have you seen a movie about zoo animals and ballet students on LSD-induced killing sprees? I know I have.
14. Pornographic Nightmare Fuel. I have so much porn to review, add to that page it hurts. My sense of decency says no one needs to hear what I've been exposed to, but Amputee Porn is real and haunts me in my sleep. :shudder:
15. Rumpelstilskin (or however you spell it). A shakespearian actor takes on the role of a baby-stealing troll with the hard to spell name. Hilarity ensues.
16. Uninvited & Strays: A double feature all about killer house cats. Lol, even.
17. Doctor Mordrid....starring Jeffrey Combs, this movie was the original Dr. Strange Movie until Marvel Comics pulled out at the last minute. It's....special. All I can say.
18. Zombie Ninja Gangbangers. What happens when Porn Actresses make horror movies? A lot of zombie rape, it would seem.
19. Amalgam the 1990's, Marvel and DC Comics got together and combined their characters. Hilarity and Suck beyond imagination was brought into the world.
20. Project Geeker.....what show is most like Futurama without being Futurama? Starring a few of the voice actors from that very show, this Futuristic Sci-Fi satire/comedy/action cartoon is...unique. All I can say.
21. Invitation to Hell. A rarely seen Wes Craven flick all about a health spa run by Satan.
22. Wendy's Grill Skills. A training video from 1988 teaching one how to properly cook a Wendy's hamburger. Told completely in Rap.
23. S.I.C.K......Serial Insane Clown Killer.
24. Double D Avenger.....another stripper/porno-inspired action movie. That makes my eyes bleed.
25. Shrunken Heads. How often does one see a film where the heroes of a film are the shrunken heads of preteens?
...and a lot of others. That's enough of a list for now.
If you see something you NEED to read about, drop me a comment or a line at

Thanks for humoring me guys and, again, for all the emails of concern/support over the past month. You rock.