Friday, July 29, 2005

Are actors human?

Sometimes it really scares me what, according to Hollywood, a normal person looks like with their clothes off. Hollywood's got a long tradition of having the most plastic women and the most athletic men taking their clothes off. In the past week I've seen two really scary examples of this.

Movie #1: Madman (1982)
The movies basically about this crazy guy who killed his family with an ax that's now lurking in the woods like some sort of crazy zombie. Ok, its just like Friday the 13th, coming out at an early peak of slasher film interest. There's not much to say about the actual film until you get to the required sex scene (because only real actresses take off their clothes). There's a slow jacuzzi scene where a young couple strips and gets, well "at it" as it were it. While they show the woman taking off her clothes this film is oddly liberated by showing the man strip as well. However, this does give us this shot:
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Let's ignore the fact that he's got his initials (TP) on his belt bucket. That's a WHOLE different problem. Instead, let's focus on the fact that his belly button seems to be crowning. Now I'm not superstar but you'd think that they'd cast someone who didn't have a MUTATED part of their body in the "take off your clothes" role. Can you imagine them on the set the day this scene was shot.
Director: "Ok Chris, go ahead and take off your clothes."
Director: "Chris, why is you stomach winking at me? What the HELL IS THAT?!?"

Then again maybe I'm going about this the wrong way. Maybe EVERONE on the the film's crew had mutant outie bellybuttons of death. This one just happens to be the "sexiest." :shudder:

Move #2: The Amityville Horror (2005)
Ok. Now let's ignore that this is a remake. I honestly kind of liked this movie....I couldn't help it. By the way for those of you curious, the people who made this film said that this was a remake and not ANOTHER sequel to the Amityville Horror. The only problem with that is that each sequel was effectively just another remake of the original, what with a new family moving into the house of doom and getting royally paranormally screwed. Here's where I point out this remake is technically the SEVENTH Amityville movie. Gah.
Back on topic: Ryan Reynolds plays the lead (guy who goes crazy) in Amityville Horror. Now I've got two things to say about Ryan Reynolds.
1. At least in this movie he didn't play a flaming homosexual action star. Ryan also played "Hannibal King" in Blade Trinity. Now the Blade series may not be high cinema, but at least it's good for a dose of action. Nothing ruins a good action movie than having a main character (who also does the narration) that has THE ulimate homosexual cliche lisp. I can't help it. He's playing a homosexual with a speech impediment and it's ridiculous. Shooting people while screaming "I feel THuper, Thweetie!" is just terrible. If I was homosexual I'd be offended at his portrayal. So um yeah. The first film I saw Ryan Reynolds it: He ruined it. Lets go on.
2. Now for Amityville Horror (2005) Ryan had to work about a little bit. I don't mean to say he worked out a tiny bit. I mean he worked out until his body became disfiguritively buff. I don't know if "disfiguritively" is a real word, but god damn it fits. I think so because when a female friend of mine watched the movie with me she started freaking out when he took off his shirt...but not in a good way. Let's have a look:
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The picture doesn't convey the horror, but let's just put it this way. He's worked out so much that his back looks like his front and his abs have been toned to the point that they've become segmented like a carapace. He's more or less walking around with some sort of obscene fleshy exoskeleton on and it's supposed to be normal. If you find this attractive, go you. It's just a funny example of something that is SOOOOOO not normal being passed off as normal.
Most normal business men do not have bodies like this. Hollywood hires people that are so detached from ordinary life that whatever they present to us isn't what we know. The same thing happens with women in regard to their bodies, but I figured I'd just take a moment to highlight that it does happen with men.
Sort of to offset that terrible thing I added to the site this week.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

1. I think that TP guy is just saving an olive for later.

B. I saw something on Good Morning America about airbrushing your abs to look ripped. That's funny.

3:28 PM  
Blogger Jared said...

Your "olive for later" comment may well haunt me for the rest of my life. Thanks.

2:52 AM  

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