Tuesday, August 02, 2005

The Dread Gewogen!!!

Now if you lived in Berlin you'd be aware of the incredibly large Turkish population found here. As such there are thousands of tiny Turkish markets offering, shall we say, obscure brands at cheap prices. Instead of Coca-cola they have Mecca Cola (I'm not joking) and with a few exceptions, everything is an official "Turkish" brand. It's all really cheap and part of the reason we can afford to live here.
What I'm here to talk to you about today is a creature known as the Dread Gewogen (Geh-VO-GEN). Picture this: You're waiting in line at the Turkish market. You look over at the impulse items they've set up next to the register. Nothing SEEMS out of the ordinary. Then you see it. The Gewogen. What's that you say? What's a Gewogen? Let's see if you see what I see...
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If you see a giant turd wrapped in plastic, than that's exactly what I seemed to observe while waiting in line. I really can't convey how horrible this thing looked. It's bumpy. It's solid yet squishy and slightly runny. Holding it, it's hard to believe that you're NOT holding someone's vacuum-sealed poop.
So of course I bought it.
I've had this thing sitting in my house for about a week. I've terrorized my friends with it because nothing's scarier than a candied turd, even if you KNOW it can't be that. So tonight for the sake of a Blog entry, I opened it.
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I really can't convey how gross this is. What's funny is how the people who made this HAVE to know their product looks like crap. You can tell because they translate the ingredients into something like 15 languages. That's impressive when you realize the label's only the size of your palm. So what's in it? Nuts & Molasses. It's a nutty sticky log. Of course I tasted it and while I had to close my eyes, I found out it tastes a hell of a lot like pure sugar. Since it's completely edible and repulsive at the same time, but I figure these things would be great for bizarre fetish videos. Or at least playing tricks on your friends. Can you imagine if you opened up your friend's fridge and saw one of these things?
Even better yet what if you came home and caught a friend or loved one slowly sucking on it?
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Blogger Sara said...

Mmmmmmm....sugar poop!

8:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

that. is. disgusting.

it's gotta be a "let's see what stupid things those Europeans will buy" thing. I mean, you probably would have noticed if you saw someone casually eating one in the street.

8:27 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have believe there are similar images, i.e. girl sucking on turd, on certain Dutch porno sites! Have you considered charging a monthly membership fee, Jared?

6:51 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh. My. Gods. Thank you J I will now have nightmares of you sucking down a poopscicle... hwuuul. I almost put a, well just wrong comment about u and Q and assbabies, but I restrained myself... I still stand by the hwuuul.


2:05 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

and it comes out the same way it goes in..with nuts of course

9:20 PM  

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