Saturday, June 28, 2008

Stupid Dakini...

Do you remember the movie Willow? If you do...oh lord.
I don't usually blatantly curse on the site but: Holy Shit. Holy, Holy, Holy Shit.
That is pants-crapping insane.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

D&D Monsters: What I didn't include.

Holy articles. And out when expected. The hell?
Part 2 of D&D Stupid Monsters and 4th Edition: A Noobian Guide

By the by, there was one book I found that I just couldn't bring myself to add to the list. It's not official...though it is written by a long-time writer of Dungeons & Dragons. If you don't know about this, you really should. It's....special.
You can find it on Amazon and, well, if you know someone who's seriously in D&D....get it for them as a birthday present. It'll melt their head. Don't believe me? Check out this spell:
Wow. Not the reference to birth control magic as well. Oh and they have monsters in the book too! Well, sort of.
This, ladies and gentlemen, is a Pleasure Golem.
Made of wax and "very fresh human flesh" because if it was rotting human flesh that would be gross, these golems are for sex. Which is pretty much what wizards would do if they could create mindless slaves but still the hell! Also know that this book is the 1st D&D book I've seen that has photographs instead of illustrations. The photographic manipulation is pretty good and I have to admit the pictures are usually pretty awesome. It's only when you realize that you're not reading an issue of Propaganda magazine and instead are reading an adventurer's guide to sex magic via rolling dice. I also had a picture of a woman infected by an "infestation" spell, which literally teleports ticks and spiders into the crotch of someone you dislike. The picture, while not explicit, just seems too horrible to share. Your imagination is probably better than the real thing anyway. Well, maybe.

One last thing: The book also has special Character Classes, such as the Sacred Virgin.
Barbarian: Welcome to the party. What is it that you do?
Sacred Virgin: Only once, really.
Rogue: Erotic Sneak Attack.
Sacred Deflowered Virgin: Ah crapsticks.
The book is for Mature Adults only...and I just don't qualify. The book creeps me out because I just don't know who would actually play with these rules. My theory was the book was written for comedic value...but too much work went into it. Professional photography, real D&D boggles the mind.

Hope you guys enjoyed the walk down Geek Lane this week...things are kind of getting back to normal. Thankfully.

Now playing: Lords of Acid - I Must Increase My Bust
via FoxyTunes

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Gah....and stuff.

I hate talking about personal stuff online....the whole emo thing sort of belittles online venting about loss and what-not. It was the first death of a family member I've had to experience and it hit hard. Oh well. I will say thank you to the surprisingly high number of folks who wrote to me asking if I was alright. It was touching...if I haven't written back to you know that my inbox has almost hit quadruple digits and know that I will thank you for being uplifting. That said, I need your help.

I'm writing a sequel to an old article. I've been doing it a while, but I've finally got off my ass and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Remember this article?
Article 73: Terrible Monsters of Dungeons and Dragons
Sure you do. Well, turns out I missed a LOT of monsters. Enough to warrant a follow-up. Not only that but I also got emails from some of the terrible monster's creators...including the dreaded Asswere. Truly, life is good. Just to give you a taste, here's yet ANOTHER race of evil squirrels.
Their little hats are there to inspire fear, obviously. I've also expanded the scope of the sequel to include official rules for running sexual orgies in the first edition of D&D (seriously) all the way to the newly launched 4th Edition of Dungeons & Dragons. Truth be told, after I wrote that article some Dungeon Nerds kidnapped me and got me into the game. So, I'm a lot geekier now than I used to be. With that established:

If you know of a terrible monster from Dungeons & Dragons (or their official magazines, etc) that truly needs to be mocked by all means let me know. There's no way I'll find them all and God knows I have some gamer veterans reading this site from time to time. Thanks a lot guys and if what I've already got prepared is any indication, this one's going to be good. And by "good" I mean so terrible it'll wound your soul.
Email me at Jared @ and know that you rock.
(at, apparently)

Disclaimer: No April Fool's Day Monsters and if you do suggest a monster, let me know where I can find it. Ever since someone got my hopes up by describing the Poop Golem, it's just not easy to trust anyone anymore. You know, because we all want to believe in a magical creature made literally of crap.

Now playing: Mindless Self Indulgence - Never Wanted To Dance- Combichrist- Elctro Hurtz Mix
via FoxyTunes