Wednesday, June 24, 2009 or, How I learned to Love the F-Bomb

There's a reason I don't go into detail about what the hell is going on in my personal life. While the internet is filled with all sorts of people, the a-holes are always the one that somehow float to the top (no offense). I always save the very best insults (see my "About" page for instance) but a friend pointed out that picked up on my "Alphabet of Excuses" last August. I kind of regretted putting it up at the time but I figured what the hell. It might not be my best work (seriously I did the whole thing in like an hour) but it's not like there's a group of people who are going to tear me a new orifice for it, right?

Wrong. Read the comments....they're amazing. And by Amazing I mean....God I don't know what I mean. Nothing is more humbling than reading hundreds of strangers telling you how much you suck. In response I was going to put together an Alphabet using only insults used by users. Funnily enough I was able to fill out the entire thing minus a Q, a V, and an X. Then I realized that putting that much energy into insults isn't the healthiest of things and, knowing my luck, THAT alphabet would get hit by Digg and then the retalitory insults would begin. That's almost appealing but....yeah. I'm so very glad I got over the hatemail thing years ago.

The Almost-Alphabet of Hate:
A is for Annoying Whiny Art Kids
B is for B-Side by Ralph Steadman, who I rip off.
C is for Confused
D is for Don Hertzfeld, who I also rip off.
E is for Edward Gorey, who I ALSO rip off.
F is for Failure at Life and Art
G is for Gerald Scarfe who I OMG ALSO RIP OFF
H is for Holy WTF
I is for Not Interesting or Good
J is for "Jared has AIDS"
K is for KKK
L is for Lame
M is for Mirror Site, this one sucks
N is for Narcissistic
O is for OMG
P is for Psychiatrist, get one Dude!
Q is for Quite a Lot of Hate
R is for Retarded Popular People
S is for Salad Fingers WHO I RIP OFF DEAR GOD
T is for Tab, Which I Closed After C
U is for Unfunny Emo F$#k
V is for Jhonen Vasquez, who I ALSO RIP OFF OMG THE HELL
W is for Weak
X is for XXX Porn links?
Y is for You just don't get it, do you?
Z is for zombwtf

Check it out by clicking HERE. Seriously.

(OH and before I was convinced to NOT work on the Alphabet I actually got started. Enjoy the Alphabet that will not be:
...and there you go. If any of you plan on putting yourself out there, just remember that no one likes you even if lots of people do.
Oh no, I'm Emo again!
"most unoriginal man alive"

Dead Alive? Braindead? (Also PHB2 Repaints)

Just to be clear, I finally finished up that long-forgotten review of Dead Alive.
Click HERE for the magic.

Oh and now there's only one half-finished but long article to get out of the way before I can feel caught up. What's that, you might ask?

Way back last Halloween I wrote most of a Sleepaway Camp Series review. Much like the Dead Alive article it got pushed aside. The upside to this? Since that happened I got my hands on "Return to Sleepaway Camp" which is amazing. It doesn't follow the same formula that made me fall in love with the Sleepaway films...I'm one of those weirdos who actually likes the sequels more than the original? Why, you ask? All will become clear in time.
"Time in this instance refers to about two weeks...I've got a lot of work to do Art-wise (real work OMG!) but I really do want to get back into the habit of writing."

Edit extra Blog Content:
Oh and for those who care about my Dungeons and Dragons work, as a fun art exercise I'm still doing "repaints" of some of the new miniatures coming out from Wizards. These aren't for Wizards or anything but they are fun to churn out in the morning. Man, that almost sounds dirty. Or Gross. let's move on.

The Human Paladin:
Turns into this:

The Shifter Ranger (Werewolf-type guy)
Turns into:
For the geekiest of you reading this, you might be happy to know that's actually the right jersey number of Michael J. Fox from Teen Wolf. Yeah, I'm a dork.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Forgotten Project #118: DC Alphabet of Shame

Remember my old Marvel Alphabet of Shame?
A Long time ago I gave up on a sequel to it because I just couldn't get the research right. Hell, even the folks over at Superdickery failed to solve my problem back in the day. I was just cleaning out my work closet (don't ask) and found what was supposed to be the next alphabet. So here's the deal: If you know any geeky comic book characters, preferably DC comics but I'm going to cheat if the character is just a bit too goofy, then by all means speak up and help me out. As a reward here's what I have so far:

UPDATE: You GUYS ROCK! Check these out if you see any Non-DC Characters (besides Psylocke) or if you have a better suggestion, let me know. That said thanks again and you guys are freaking fast.

A is for Arms Fall Off Lad
B is for Brother Power (Or Black Racer now that I know who he is)
C is for C'est Hay
E is for Egg Fu
F is for Fuzzy the Mouse (Superboy's pet)
G is for Gay Ghost...
H is for Hemo-Goblin, the AIDS Vampire! (Good job guys I knew that wasn't made up)
I is for Infectious Lass
J is for Jimmy Olsen (naturally)
K is for Kitten (From Superfriends, though Kiteman was tempting as is Krypto)
L is for Lady Cop or The Listener
M is for Miss Manface (I know Matter Eater Lad was a shoe-in but if you haven't watched the Bold and the Brave Batman cartoon you don't know the glory of Miss Manface)
N is for Nowhere Man (Holy crap NOOOOOOOO)
O is for Orca (OH mY GOD Sea World has breasts!)
P is for Polka Dot Man
Q is for Qwsp but Q things are hard to come by though Crazy Quilt might do if I cheat.
R is for Rainbow Raider
S is for Sportsmaster
T is for Ten Eyed Man
U is for Uncle Sam
V is for The Ventriloquist (How did I forget this guy!)
W is of Whizzy the Mouse
X is for X-Bomb Betty
Y is for YANKEE POODLE (Thanks guys this one's amaaaaazing)
Z is for Zan and Jayna...wondertwins are a great way to finish this.

So yeah. No clue if I can happily fill in the blanks but for the joy of it I thought I'd share and see if anyone out there wanted to help out. And hell, I reached my "I give up" point a long time ago, hence why this list has been collecting dust for as long as it has.
"taking a break"

Edit: Holy Crap. When someone introduced me to Yankee Poodle, I thought it was a joke character. Here team the Zoo Crew struck me as a little kid's thing. And...yet....
While some folks are calling Grant Morrison's Final Crisis something mighty to behold, all I can say is that the freaking Zoo Crew show up in the final issue. For the big finale of this Batman-killing epic crossover we have THIS only 1 page before the big boss death that ends every big comicbook crossover.
That's Peter Porkchop/"Pig Iron, Captain Carrot and Yankee freaking POODLE right there. Right there next to Superman and the Green Lantern Corps. Sweet Mother of God Why.

Thanks for the introduction guys and, well, I forgot who told me to check out Final Crisis for a healthy dose of awesome but so far between this and the Black Racer...I'm very, very afraid.

Keep them coming've thrown some spectacular unknowns at me.

And we're done, unless someone suggests some better ones before I actually do this (which will be soon considering). Right now it's just a debate:
Brother Power or Black Racer
Lady Cop or The Listener (and his suit of ears)
Qwsp or Crazy Quilt?
Really difficult calls there.

And again, you guys rock.
Particularly you, Graham.
(You psycho)

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

GenCon 2009: See you There

Yep. I'm going to GenCon this year. This marks my first trip back to the states in about 3 years. Suffice to say, I'm looking forward to the culture shock. You have no idea how ecstatic I'll be once I have a box of American cereal in my hand. No idea at all.

While I'm still working out the details, I just wanted to send an early signal flare up. Mostly because, having mentioned it once already, meant a bunch of folks came out of the woodwork to meet or tell me what I have to do while I'm there. This is my first convention of anything (well, not really but that one Webcomic Convention didn't count) and all the advice has been golden.

What I know already:
If you play the Dungeons & Dragons Miniature game, then some of my paintings will be sitting on the Community Prize table. I'll also be playing this a LOT at GenCon methinks, since it's the game that eventually led into me actually playing D&D and I'm a dork and play it here in Berlin anyway. I'll also be sharing a room with one of the previous year's DDM champions, so if you see me slowly devouring the brains of another and stealing his power/profiency at moving plastic elves, you'll understand.

I'll be doing a movie commentary with the Jerks in the Back Row. They used to have a kick ass site but due to web domain drama, their temporary home is up on Myspace. That doesn't make them any less funny. Since they're based in Indy, they've kindly invited me to sit in their recording booth and make fun of something. Sorority Babes in Slime-Bowl-o-Rama has been mentioned, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed for something hardcore to make fun of. Like the Dark Crystal (If I ever did my own movie commentary this would be the's a great film but it's got magical cellphone bats, giant crabs busting through walls, muppets stripping each other's clothes off, an extended scene involving drinking a girl's essence, cross-country hippy dinosaurs, and, well...I'll keep my fingers crossed. Taking the Dark Crystal out of context (my comedy formula) is really, really fun.)
Anyway check out the Jerks by clicking HERE. I recommend their House of the Dead and CHUD commentaries in particular.

I'll be playing Drunken D&D with some rather awesome folks who will become more awesome the more we drink. I kind of invited myself by posting on Graham's blog but hey it involves heavy drinking and killing goblins. Should be hilarious and fun. Other folks involved in the game can be found: HERE, HERE, HERE, and HERE.
If you're ready to dive into hardcore D&D Blogging, check them out. You might know them already.

Finally, I'll be selling paintings. Sort of out of necessity...I can afford this big trip but only just. In other words: I need drinking and dice money. See, I'm honest. More on that in a little while, but suffice to say I'll have a horde of paintings with me and will be taking a bunch of requests/suggestions as to what to bring. It worked really well at the Webcomic Thing I went to so once again I will become the infamous walking pile of Jared's art work. It's less luxurious than it sounds but it works.
More later but holy crap, GenCon!

(I'll also be visiting Upstate New York and Jacksonville, Florida but that's less fun to talk about.)
"who is really, really excited"

PS: I'll also be hitting the RPGA circuit while I'm there. Just throwing that out there for better or for worse. Mostly worse, methinks.

Monday, June 08, 2009

Evil Genius Rejection #2:


Just for those in the know, I got my 2nd official rejection email for my card game Evil Genius. Not a big deal, but it amuses me so much that one big company told me the game was too complicated and now another big company tells the game was too simple.
Which is just. Freaking. Hilarious.
I'm happy to have people interested enough to playtest the damn thing and hey, they're giving me constructive criticism. It's just criticism that explodes when it comes into contact with the other criticism.
Wish me luck...the tie-breaking playtest with a 3rd company is tomorrow night.
"not bitter about rejection, just super amused"

Edit: And thank you to each of you that have playtested it over the past few years with me both in Germany and in the Colonies. Yes: I will have a copy with me when I visit everyone. So if you've already played it and want to see how your feedback got assimilated, you'll have that chance.

Edit EDIT:
Playtest 3 with a Gaming company went well...though now they want to see some of the cards in full color. Which is awesome. But presents new, exciting problems. Not "problems" per say, but forces my hand on some color scheme issues I was dragging my feet concerning.
These are, admittedly, good problems to have. Yay.

Saturday, June 06, 2009

Illustration Friday + Ass Ass Ins

Real quick, another dive into Illustration Friday. This week's theme is "Cravings". I'm working on lots of stuff, but enjoy a quick doodle.

In other news, someone reminded me of something that I've supposed to have reviewed years ago. I'm still a little off-kilter in getting that part of the site back up to speed, but I will share on the blog my favorite part of Amalgam comics:
Remember that time back in the 90's when comic books got kind of insane with the gonzo boobs and girls that'd had their ribs removed so they could have creepy small waists?
I know it's supposed to be "Assassins" but when you've got a comic about super-ninjas who wear nothing but thongs I can only read it as "Ass Ass Ins." And look at the font. They did that crap on purpose.
Funnily enough in the above panel she's not talking to another character but to you, the reader. Which...makes a lot of sense, really.

Yes, the Silver Skier is the Avatar of Death. I really need to read more DC Comics to figure out what character of theirs flies around on magic ski boots. I don't know why skiing equals "teh g@y" when compared to other methods of superheroic flight, but there you have it. I think. Maybe. It hurts my brain.

Oh Amalgam. Why have I neglected you so?

Edit: I stand corrected. Say hello to the Black Racer.
His name? Willie Walker.
And he represents the Grim Reaper in the DC Universe.
Bwahahahahahahahahahaha. Yes, I will run from the large black man in skis flying after me. No question there.

Oh man, that's awesome. I have a new superhero to read up on. Thanks guys. And by thanks I mean oh GOD why?

Edit Edit:
Say hello to Black Racer 2009: Also known as Night Rider Edition
So weird. Willie, it's nice to see someone thought you were cool enough to revamp.

Monday, June 01, 2009

Illustration Friday: Adapt with Ben 10

It's been a long time since I did an Illustration Friday and since today was the day that I painted while watching some terrible cartoons, one thing led to another and I ended up doing some shameful Ben 10 inspired art.
This is Echo Echo, an alien from Ben 10 Alien Force.
His power is that he can clone himself a bunch of times and can emit some sort of horrific death wail that...well....does stuff. Here's my quick interpretation.

Yeah, I have problems. Not my best, but hey it's fun. And it's good to be on a psychotic painting kick. You know because that's better than therapy.