Dungeons & Dragons: A follow-up

While I did make fun of D&D a bit in my last article (http://www.headinjurytheater.com/article73.htm), I think I should say that my digging through three decades worth of made-up monsters did reveal two that I feel morally obligated to share. I also got introduced to what I believe may be the worst role-playing game ever. Between those two reasons, I figured I owed someone a blog post. First off: The Monsters that Bring me joy:
First off, say hello to the Cadaver Collector. In case you can't tell by his name, he collects something. What, you ask?

Oh my. I don't know why the idea of a magical robot, covered with spikes, that wears other people's corpses like shish-kabobs makes me so incredibly happy. Maybe it's the fact that this thing only exists to parade around the bodies of your enemies, but I'm hoping there's more to it than that.
The other monster I want to share almost made it on the Stupid list. The problem is that it swung the "retarded dial" all the way around so that the needle broke through and decided to stop on awesome. Well, that's not completely true, but I like it too much to put it next to the freaking Raggamoffyn that put its panties on your face. This, my friends, is an Orcwort:

Killer tree? Check. Lots of teeth? Check. Insanely horrible long tongue? Check. Giant purple fruit that walks around on its own and kidnaps people for the tree to eat? Che...wait, what? I love the idea of the Orcwort. It's pretty much an evil Apple tree, if apples could sprout legs and murder people to make the tree happy. If I ever do end up playing Dungeons and Dragons (because I don't admittedly/surprisingly), I really hope that we end up fighting killer fruit. Because that's almost retarded but somehow cool. You know, in a lame "Charles Barkley fighting Godzilla" kind of way.
-jared

Oh I almost forgot. After posting the D&D article, someone sent me a link to a review of the WORST game ever made. The game is called "F.A.T.A.L." which stands for "Fantasy Adventure to Adult Lechery" and the game is legitimately about rape. I'm not kidding. Any game where you have to roll to determine how big your penis is or how wide your -ahem- "holes" is definitely in need of a good kick in the teeth. Particularly when it's supposedly written by someone working on their PhD. By the way, since the game is about particularly foul material (There's an item in the game that turns you into an EVIL JEW) which includes racism, misogyny, and really horrible stuff (like how much you crap when you take damage), I feel I need to warn you that this review isn't safe for work. There's no pictures, but still. There doesn't need to be any. You'll understand.
The Review that will make you CRY

When you're done with that (and have an interesting mental image of the author of the game), makes sure to visit this other site which shows the author's response to the above review. If you ever wanted confirmation that someone's out of touch/batshit insano, I totally endorse taking a peek:
The Author responds to The Review that will make you CRY
And to respond to something said in the above: This isn't an issue of liberals vs. conservative. I love horrible humor. But some of this is just....stupid. It reminds me of the erotic super-heros me and my friend Dan Smart made up when we were 12. We had a woman who had an extra bladder so she didn't have to go to the bathroom so much, a woman with super-stretchy attack breasts, and a lady who could teleport here "naughty place" anywhere on her body. At the time we knew is was retarded, filthy, and not meant to be shared. From what I've read of F.A.T.A.L., the game was written with a very similar mindset on hand.
Which is just wrong.
-jared

PS: Dan, wherever you are, sorry for outing you. I just didn't want to falsely take all the blame for creating the "woman who could make here crotch appear on her hand/face". Don't hate us, people. We were 12....and it's not like we tried to make a role-playing game about it. Jesus.

The Emo Emu

Dear God, my art is in the news. Again.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ri6ySOHoDfk

That goofy image is really far too popular for its own good.
(Buy your t-shirt today)
-jared

A subtle message (and photos).

How do you tell your sister that she's chosen for the name of her soon-to-be-born daughter the very same name that you used when you dressed in drag?

Hope she reads the blog, apparently.

By the way, when it comes to naming children, it always pays to make sure you're not giving them the name of a porn star. With the digital age all around us, sharing a name with someone else can be brutal, particularly if they're infamous for their particularly sloppy donkey shows. To prevent this, I recommend all humans enter their soon-to-be-born child's name into the www.iafd.com search function. If the name you've chosen comes back, maybe you should choose a different name. You know, because years from now when they google their own name the only thing they'll find is porn. And that is a birthday present you can avoid before the birth.
-jared

Edit: Because of the fact that images have surfaced elsewhere on the internet, I figured it was time to break my "OMG I don't show any pictures of myself" taboo. I'm not particularly enthused with my appearance but the fact that a lot of people recognize me from how I draw myself (it's the hair I think) made me think it was time to laugh post a terrible picture or two and then pretend it never happened. By the way, did you know that there's a new rule that says you can only post pictures taken of yourself? Part of the "Myspace vs. Webcam" verdict I think. Enjoy these pictures and know I didn't show them to you.

That's not a special effect by the way. Those little "dots of light" are each their only little spot of filthy on my bathroom mirror....and while I'm happy with how it came out I really need to clean my bathroom mirror more. You know, instead of just sneezing on it whenever the whim strikes me.

Oh and remember: always look comedically off camera when taking pictures of yourself. Particularly if you've been drinking so much that it will soon be criminal.
And here's me on Halloween, just because my exceedingly hairy forearms are legendary.

Remember. I didn't show these to you.

City of Villains: The Addiction.

If you've read the Hourly Comic already, just let me say this: I was exaggeerating. Well, a bit. The game is really addictive. So, in the spirit of separating myself from mind-numbing joy, I'm going to review the game just as I would a comic book or movie. Already great stuff needs to be pointed out, from the fact that you need to power up to gain the ability to go to bed to the simple observation that anyone evil in this game ends up being forced to do a lot of Good. So though you've named your character "Zodiattack the Baby-Masher", you still spend a lot of time stomping on other forces of evil so much so that the Mayor might as well give you an award.

I just wanted to share the character that I made to explore the game with. Say hello to my little friend:

Part Ninja. Part Robot. Part Zombie. Part Pirate. 100% Pure Evil. Coming to a theatre near you.

God, I've avoided online gaming for so long. Now I know why. Reviewing the game will be a nice way of liberating myself from the soul-swallowing coolness that online gaming comic book geekery contains.

-jared

(By the way, if you're in Europe and play the game, drop me a line at Ohgodtherats@aol.com. We'll go step on some puppies in-game together. Like a whore, I made a character on both servers.)

Edit: OMG, I finally got the Hourly Comic up. Geez.