Friday, April 03, 2009

Death Race: Where the Sidewalk Ends.

The topic of "not updating" aside (drama combined with moving to a new flat this weekend), I just heard the worst line from any movie, ever. Well, not really but dear GOD.

Have any of you watched the remake of Death Race 2000, casually titled "Death Race"? If you have, perhaps your brain was already shut off when this little tidbit floated by. I apologize if the language offends, but considering what words you can say on primetime television these days, I only censored the one that "officially" isn't family-friendly.
But let's set the mood for those who didn't watch the movie.

You're the Warden of a maximum security prison/death arena/NASCAR/Reality TV show and one of your racers/prisoners/stars just blew a hole in the perimeter fence and is fleeing your gladiator-esque pit of doom. Foreseeing this possibility, you reach for the remote detonator, the one attached to the bomb you already hid in the hero's car. Clutching it tight in your matronly claws, the camera zooms in, hanging on your every word. It's catch-phrase time. Let's make it count.

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Wait.....why would I....does the winner get to....how am I supposed to....HOLY sweet jesus, that's a terrible "I'm the villain of this movie" line. Possibly the worst I've ever heard. Seriously...is it an "IN" joke for NASCAR fans? Do they often celebrate by defecation or something? (Please say no.) Are you referencing the fact that people void their bowels when they die, so you are, by the transitive property, implying that I'll be dead (and crapping my pants on the sidewalk)? The hell! I would be hard pressed to come up with a more nonsensical catch phrase.

Even worse, if you sit through the credits they repeat this line....letting us know that someone out there was proud of it. Or hell, maybe that's the best line this movie had to offer. I...I don't know. All I do know is that I'll be watching where I step when I use the sidewalk.
-Jared
"Click Now and get your Non-Updates for 2009 T-shirt today!"

5 Comments:

Blogger Sarah The Anime Librarian said...

The weird thing is she kind of looks like an English professor I had in college..and I immediately pictured her voice saying this...and it didn't seem weird at all that Professor Kane would say something like that...and that scares me.

7:06 PM  
Blogger Dr Neo Lao said...

Yes, I did watch this movie and no, I didn't catch that particular pearl.

I think my brain shut down about ten minutes after the opening credits. All I can say is that I am glad I didn't go to the cinema to see this film. It definitely falls into the category of "park your brain at the door."

However, a good/bad film I recently saw was "Planet Terror" from the Grindhouse production.

I must say, the film was better than I expected, and worse.

The production value was pretty good. Decent effects, good actors (I wasn't expecting Bruce Willis to have such a prominent role, or the guy that played Sayid in Lost).

But the story/plot? It's like something someone wrote out one lazy afternoon and nobody bothered proof-reading it prior to shooting.

"Hey, let's have a scene where a guy steps on another guys' freshly-removed testicles!" "I know, we'll have a cook who is obsessed with making the perfect bbq sauce!" "Let's cut his chick's leg off and give her a table leg instead!" "Don't say the Z word!"

It hurt my brain, it really did - but the stupid thing is that it was still fun to watch.

Or am I preaching to the choir?

6:54 AM  
Anonymous Nathan J. Fealko said...

By odd coincidence, I stopped in the local movie store yesterday and saw this playing on the screens. I'd never heard of it before...felt to me like another game-to-movie adaptation, but of a futuristic racing game.

Glad I wasn't around for those momentous words.

6:13 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The funny thing is that Deathrace 2000 was a videogame.

8:52 AM  
Anonymous Madderbutcher said...

Ah...the golden moments of cinema. In the original movie "Deathrace" there was a scene where one of the drivers came up behind a worker using a jackhammerand skewered his testicles on a long blade fixed to the front of the car. As far as "Planet Terror" is concerned, well, sure its sorta hokey, but its intended to be like that...a spoof of those "action" movies that always ended up at the local "discount" theater...point is don't over analyize it..sit back, turn your brain to low and enjoy the ride.

7:06 AM  

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