Thursday, June 30, 2005

The Greatest Pick-Up line

Now I'll admit that, being a guy, I don't get accosted by goofy pick-up lines a lot of the time. My personal favorite that I did recieve (from a girl-a fact that shouldn't be overlooked) is "I need a good pick-up line. But I suck." But I'm not here to talk about anything as goofy and retarded as that. What I am here to share is the creepiest most depraved pick-up line I've ever heard that was also directed at me.
A little backstory: In Jacksonville Florida there is (or was, I've been out of town for a while) a club called the Metro. The Metro had a killer Goth night once a week. They let in the younger crowd, which was good because at the time I was 16. Now the Metro was only a Goth night on one night out of the week. What was it every other night? It was a Gay Nightclub. Still a killer place, but a definitively Gay place to be 6 days of the week. The owner of the place was some retired club owner from Las Vegas and his tribute to this fact was the other mini-club in the back..The Rainbow Room (Or was it Club Shadows?). The Rainbow Room/Club Shadows was a "professional Vegas-quality Drag show". If you haven't seen professional drag queens, you haven't lived. Now the Rainbow/Club Shadows was in operation EVERY night of the week, so on Friday nights you'd get a fair population of the Goth Crowd, mixed in with the regulars, mixed in with the professional and amateur drag queens. The whole scene was kind of cool and fitting, if only because of the typical Androgyne/cross-dressing quality that is the Goth Male. Don't believe that statement? Just take a look at Propaganda magazine. It's one of the few "Gothic" publications that still around and unchanged and about 50% of it is implied homo-erotic crossdressing.
Anyway, I'm giving far too much backstory. The short of it: Me, as a 16 year old boy with my blonde page-boy haircut, black lipstick, and black clothing, hanging out at a Goth club where an insatiable lust for cock isn't that uncommon amongst the club's regulars. So I'm sitting at the bar talking with some people, my friends leave and this older man in a suit scoots closer to me. I smile that "he's in my personal space and making me nervous" smile and say Hola. The man leans in and whispers over the NIN playing in the background the most AMAZING pick-up line ever:
"I could buy you breasts and you'd never have to work another day in your life."
I just laughed and moved on...But really think about that. The answer was a complete no, but at the same time you really have to wonder if being someone's sex slave/boy toy whatever would be worth not having to work another day in your life. In some Parallel universe, Jared with Breasts is living that drama. (In this universe I just lucked out finding an older woman who didn't need me to undergo cosmetic surgery for her to pay my bills. Yay for SugarMommy.)
Scarily enough I saw the guy a few years later at the bar, with a very tall blonde "woman" with incredibly large breasts (implants). It's spooky looking at that and realizing it could have been you. Then again, getting Breast Implants in the 10th grade would have made my other two years in High School very VERY different. Gah.
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A pick-up line like that isn't something you forget. It will haunt you forever. Trust me.

Monday, June 27, 2005

Long Lost Article #1 & White Trash

Sometimes I set something aside with the intention of writing an article about it and then, when the time comes, I get distracted by something else entirely. I've got a review of a few things (another opera review, for example) that I wanted to put up earlier, but I got behind on my schedule because some new random stuff showed and well, I get easily distracted/side-tracked.
A prime example of this would be my Greek Vacation. Last year (not this year but 2003) I spent my Christmas Holiday in Athens visiting a friend. It was a great time from the scariest strip show ever to scaring the populace (who was much shorter than I) by dressing flamboyantly (and thereby being openly gay). I'm not gay, but apparently nail polish, black or otherwise, is a clear sign of having an insatiable lust for cock. :sigh: What are you going to do? Anyway, Greece (despite being the most homophobic country I've ever been to) had a lot of very, very weird things in it. The article will eventually get posted, but since it's been a hella-long time since it happened, I figured I'd shoot you folks two of my favorite highlights.
1: Advertising in Greece is very subtle and intelligent.
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Or not. Europe is so killer sometimes.
Moving on, I found a run-down carnival/fair while I was in that looked like it hadn't had a "face lift" in a long time. There were broken rides everywhere, airbrushed paintings involving an old man, a crab, and a goat in a "questionable" position, and a haunted house featuring a stuffed witch doing the nasty on a broomstick. I'm not kidding.
Yet, if I had to share only one thing I would HAVE to share this:
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You are looking at the Carnival's sign telling you where the toilet is. What are you looking at? A broken-ass "fountain" designed to look like a pre-pubescent boy unirating into a pan. Gah.
What the hell? I feel dirty just looking at it. What's more, I'd be frightened what kind of freaks would specifically seek out the "pantless child" restroom. That's a gathering place I want no part of.

Bonus crap:
Speaking of long lost Articles, there's a restaurant called White Trash here in Berlin that I've been wanting to review. I haven't yet, because, well, it's pretty twisted and I would HAVE to share the restaurant's "Wall of Porn" (which might get me into trouble with my Web Host's "NO PORN" rule. That, and I know for a fact that KIDS visit this site.). I'll probably break down and do it (and spend several hours "censoring" the Wall of Porn pictures) but, in the meantime, I'll simply share a small portion of their menu with you:
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Enjoy yourselves.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Baby Eating Dinosaurs

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I really can't put into words how much the above image tickles me.
Still, I tried.

Monday, June 20, 2005

Shopping for Plutonium

As some of you might know, my computer was infected with the spyware/adware package of DOOM. As such, I've been getting a whole mess of obnoxious pop-ups peddling a variety of products. One recent occurence is the "" pop-up, which tells me that has whatever I enter into the search field of Google for sale on their site. The point of me telling you this? I've got a painting that has a clown crying over a plutonium (dioxide) molecule. Since I haven't taken chemistry in forever, I had to do a search to find an diagram of the molecule online. What did I get?
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Apparently it is really easy to get grade A plutonium online.
It's no surprise so many countries have nuclear weapons. Yay.

Sunday, June 19, 2005

Jared & Kids = Danger

I had two major run-ins with children over the past month. My attitude towards kids is that they're cute in small doses. If there was a rental service that offered them, we'd probably be regular customers. But kids aren't for me. This is going to sound horrible, but I've lost too many friends to kids. It's not that they start breeding and can't hang out because they're off being responsible, it's that they're too busy being miserable. I'm aware that raising a kid (or seven if you're a good Catholic) is a "rewarding, full-time job", but it's one that I don't have the time to spare. I mean, do people honestly sit down and think, "Hey, you know what honey? I've got the next 18+ years free, why don't we have a kid?" :sigh: All my friends who have had kids had them by accident, the by-product (or hazard) of enjoying sex too much. My friend, let's call him M., unfortunately has super-sperm, impregnating his wife though layers and layers of birth-control that was supposedly 99.99999999% effective. Way to beat the odds. Gah. Point is I'm too much of a kid and our household has seen the changes that are involved when kids are brought into the picture. Anywhoooooo:
I have a nephew. While I was on vacation I got to be a guest as his 2nd Birthday. The terrible two's: What they say is true. Hellions, all of them. It was a pretty interesting party, where I got to meet parents of other two-year-olds and gaze into that dead, defeated look that clung around their eyes. Poor, poor breeders. My nephew Julien got a number of interesting toys (a karaoke play-along electric guitar being the coolest); of which the whole "rocking horse" scene was my favorite. Apparently it's a custom to give a two-year-old a rocking horse. Little Julien got three. One was a normal brown horse. This gift was followed by a positively terrifying electronic rocking horse that had blinking eyes, fully moving head and mouth, and a swinging tail. Need I mention it scared the crap out of several of the kids as well as a few of the adults? The best rocking horse was the last, though: The girliest Unicorn rocking horse you've ever seen. Pink hair, silvery ribbons....this thing was more gay than a leather bar. Which made it awesome. Despite all this excitement, I got bored.
I ended up taking a felt-tip marker and drawing on balloons to alleviate the boredom. While this did keep my diseased brain occupied, to do so apparently made me the equivalent of the "birthday clown," as kids wanted customized balloons. I got 4 requests for yellow Spongebob SquarePants balloons, but I still got to doodle a few for myself. Here's a few of them, if you're curious:
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My other run-in with kids was last weekend. B____ (the language school that's decided I'm a terrible teacher and hadn't asked me back for over a year) called us up and asked if we'd be willing to teach an English Summer Camp for the weekend. As in, could we be prepared in 24 hours to watch over about 10 kids for about 48 hours straight? Of course we said yes, because if someone's going to give you 500 euros (Euros are kicking the dollars butt right now, so that's like $700 or something) you're going to be willing to give up your weekend. I ended up doing about 60 paintings for the kids, because drawing horses and monkeys keeps them distracted and not destroying things. After a weekend surrounded by kids and being a babysitter for 48 hours, I'm done with kids for a while. The best part about the whole deal was most of the kids didn't speak English so I could get away with joking about beating them with a coathanger. Joking of course. You can't teach kids and NOT be scared of a lawsuit. Luckily no one was hurt and everything worked out. I even got a piece of "tribute art" from one of the kids. Of course, I took and hid it before the parents showed up. Can you guess why?
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Little girls draw pictures of me with a uni-brow, blood dripping from my mouth, with the word HELP next to it. Apparently, I give kids nightmares, and drank their blood last weekend.
Woo. Hoo.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Night Terrors

Every now and then I run across something not weird enough to review, but still strange enough to share. I figured the Blog's as good a place as any to put these kind of things.
What you're looking at right now is a picture of Robert Englund as the Marquis de Sade on a cross covered with barbwire. Night Terrors (directed by Tobe Hooper in 1993) has ROBERT ENGLUND as the Marquis de Sade. He also plays the Marquis' descendant, but let's not get too much into the plot. The heroine, Genie, goes to Egypt, gets caught up in a kinky sex cult and eventually kills Robert Englund. Highlights include Genie having a fantasy of a large naked man riding a horse in slow motion (with his naughty bits bouncing all over the place-it's rare to see full frontal male nudity but hey, it's here) and Genie hallucinating her father dressed as a preacher every time she has kinky monkey lovin' with her cult friends. I can empathize...I see my father in a fireman's uniform whenever I'm doing the nasty. Or not.
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American Vacation: Day One

I painted this when I woke up from my first night in America. It was a great party apparently. Sadly, there are rather large gaps in my memory concerning the evening. And yes, I did wake up with markings all over my face. :sigh:
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Welcome: Down into the Blog

Welcome to the Blog. I'm still figuring this stuff out and I'll post on the website when it's going at a regular rate (MWF seems nice somehow). I've got a lot of mini-reviews and other strangeness that I can't really figure out where to put anyplace BUT a we'll see how this works out.
Feel free to comment about anything you see here or just about the site in general.
Blah blah blah.
Enjoy yourself.