Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Dungeons & Dragons: A follow-up

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While I did make fun of D&D a bit in my last article (, I think I should say that my digging through three decades worth of made-up monsters did reveal two that I feel morally obligated to share. I also got introduced to what I believe may be the worst role-playing game ever. Between those two reasons, I figured I owed someone a blog post. First off: The Monsters that Bring me joy:
First off, say hello to the Cadaver Collector. In case you can't tell by his name, he collects something. What, you ask?
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Oh my. I don't know why the idea of a magical robot, covered with spikes, that wears other people's corpses like shish-kabobs makes me so incredibly happy. Maybe it's the fact that this thing only exists to parade around the bodies of your enemies, but I'm hoping there's more to it than that.
The other monster I want to share almost made it on the Stupid list. The problem is that it swung the "retarded dial" all the way around so that the needle broke through and decided to stop on awesome. Well, that's not completely true, but I like it too much to put it next to the freaking Raggamoffyn that put its panties on your face. This, my friends, is an Orcwort:
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Killer tree? Check. Lots of teeth? Check. Insanely horrible long tongue? Check. Giant purple fruit that walks around on its own and kidnaps people for the tree to eat? Che...wait, what? I love the idea of the Orcwort. It's pretty much an evil Apple tree, if apples could sprout legs and murder people to make the tree happy. If I ever do end up playing Dungeons and Dragons (because I don't admittedly/surprisingly), I really hope that we end up fighting killer fruit. Because that's almost retarded but somehow cool. You know, in a lame "Charles Barkley fighting Godzilla" kind of way.

Oh I almost forgot. After posting the D&D article, someone sent me a link to a review of the WORST game ever made. The game is called "F.A.T.A.L." which stands for "Fantasy Adventure to Adult Lechery" and the game is legitimately about rape. I'm not kidding. Any game where you have to roll to determine how big your penis is or how wide your -ahem- "holes" is definitely in need of a good kick in the teeth. Particularly when it's supposedly written by someone working on their PhD. By the way, since the game is about particularly foul material (There's an item in the game that turns you into an EVIL JEW) which includes racism, misogyny, and really horrible stuff (like how much you crap when you take damage), I feel I need to warn you that this review isn't safe for work. There's no pictures, but still. There doesn't need to be any. You'll understand.
The Review that will make you CRY

When you're done with that (and have an interesting mental image of the author of the game), makes sure to visit this other site which shows the author's response to the above review. If you ever wanted confirmation that someone's out of touch/batshit insano, I totally endorse taking a peek:
The Author responds to The Review that will make you CRY
And to respond to something said in the above: This isn't an issue of liberals vs. conservative. I love horrible humor. But some of this is just....stupid. It reminds me of the erotic super-heros me and my friend Dan Smart made up when we were 12. We had a woman who had an extra bladder so she didn't have to go to the bathroom so much, a woman with super-stretchy attack breasts, and a lady who could teleport here "naughty place" anywhere on her body. At the time we knew is was retarded, filthy, and not meant to be shared. From what I've read of F.A.T.A.L., the game was written with a very similar mindset on hand.
Which is just wrong.

PS: Dan, wherever you are, sorry for outing you. I just didn't want to falsely take all the blame for creating the "woman who could make here crotch appear on her hand/face". Don't hate us, people. We were 12....and it's not like we tried to make a role-playing game about it. Jesus.


Blogger Adam Holwerda said...

Check out the front page of

NOW - you won't believe it (I didn't).

5:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

...I read most of that FATAL article. I hate you so much now...I'll never get that chunk of brain back. o.<

9:41 PM  
Blogger Jared said...

Dear God, Adam.. thanks for sharing that. This is just getting ridiculous.

1:18 AM  
Blogger Scarecrobot said...

You should get the Cadaver Colllector tattooed on your back... That would be badass.

8:31 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Holy cow. That FATAL game seriously seems like a cry for help, morphed into sad hilarity by a mind bent by RPGs.

4:23 AM  
Blogger Jared said...

You have to love the bait and switch. Exposing you guys to FATAL has distracted you from my horrible puberty-based superhero universe. I must remember this tactic when I reveal "King Arthur's Defenders of the Scrote".

But yeah, FATAL is amaaaaaazing. Simply Amaaaaaaaaaazing. With as many A's as you can type.

7:15 AM  
Blogger Sara said...

Probably not so smart to out Dan...poor guy. You know he's a news anchor now...that can't be good for his reputation! Let's hope no one finds it.

5:53 PM  

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