The Tale of Fat Eddy

Even though I can't update the Blog as often as I want to, I'd feel totally guilty just updating it with a piggy bank asking for your money. As such I will tell you a story...a tale even. I will tell you all I know of "Fat Eddy."

Most of us, at some point in our lives, have had roommates. I had my experience with the bane that is a roommate when I left home for the first time and lived in a college dormitory. I think we all have repulsive horrible stories to tell. So while you try to remember that terrible thing that you buried in the far recesses of your brain, please enjoy for a brief moment the magic and mystery that is: Fat Eddy.

Eddy wanted to be a sports newscaster. That's not so bad. What's terrible is the fact that 70% of the time he was in the flat he was watching ESPN and yelling at the shows. It wasn't to "enjoy" them, it was to "get a feel" for commenting on sports. If you think about this for a moment, you might understand exactly how obnoxious this could get after, say, a day. What's worse is the fact that he'd tape the games and rewatch them to "sharpen" his comments. Maybe I just don't get sports, but man did it bug me. Of course none of that is REALLY annoying. It's petty. You may have noticed that Eddy would watch sports for 70% of the time he was in the flat. What would Eddy do for the other 30%?

Walking into your room to find your obese roommate masturbating by having "rough sex" with his pillow is enough to make any man's eyeballs explode in rebellion. Part of me died a little each time I stumbled upon his "pillowlust." It might explain why I started finding other places to sleep. There's no fear quite like the fear of going home to something terrible.

It does make me wonder what he's doing right now. Hopefully, with a little luck, he's settled down and had kids with a nice throw pillow.

:shudder:

-jared

(You have no idea how hard it was to NOT throw a "pillow talk" pun in there. Damn you Eddy. It's been 8 years and I still feel sorry for that damn pillow.)

A donation button?

After much thought and consultation, I've finally decided to put a donation button up on the site. I don't intend on it living here permanently since I feel like a total goon even mentioning money, but I painted one up because a number of you have been asking how you can donate and who am I to stop you from giving me your shiny gold coins? Since I feel awkward about the whole mess, I decided to make a "low key" donation button. It'll be up on the site later tonight, but I figured that even if you don't want to donate, it might make you laugh.

I think it's kind of subtle, don't you?

-jared

(Btw sorry about the lack of updates lately. The whole "not really having a computer" sort of makes it harder to get online than usual. Oh and thank you all the kind people who have been helping me out so I can keep updating like the Great Computer Fire of 2005 never happened. Thanks again to EVERYONE who's helping me out. I'm not out of the woods (that are on fire) but I'm getting closer to bringing this etherweb meltdown to an end)

AOL almost had it....

AOL had this "headline" up a few weeks ago:

If you read that as "Samuel Jackson really HAS sunk to a new level by being in the Star Wars films," then your thought process was like mine. For once, I thought AOL news (haha) was actually reporting something negative about a big money franchise. Stupid me. Turns out it's just talking about stuntmen. :sigh:

Also for Veteran's Day, they had the caption "Veterans get Served." Isn't "getting Served" some sort of "getting totally owned" slang? A half hour after that went it it was changed to "Veterans who Served." God I love AOL sometimes.

Computer Doom update: Due to the help of my older woman and a few VERY kind people, my current (OLD) computer has been equiped for my purposes. It's living on borrowed borrowed (that's two times the suck) time, but it should be able to do what I need it to at about ten times the speed. It reminds me of the old days of writing school reports on a a word processor and not a computer. One of those old ghetto "portable" electronic typewriters. Maybe you missed that phase of technology. Lucky you.

So while I will say that if you want something now's the time to tell me, Head Injury Theater WILL continue, albeit without so much digital gusto. Forgive my "computer on fire + poverty" panic.

-jared

Now is the time. Seriously.

(I don't even know if I should even be writing this post....I hate it when websites mention money/technical problems. If you're like me, please ignore the following sad story of Doom and a burning computer)

I'm admittedly tech-stupid, so I'll describe what happened as I understand it. On Friday, my computer stopped working. It just froze up. Over the course of the weekend, my older woman (who used to work in Tech Support, thank GOD) did her best. Sadly, a overheated motherboard and a botched re-installation (as per Microsoft's instructions) led to my machine officially going off to Computer Heaven where it can play with my old 386.

It looks like I lost a lot of stuff, as my hard drive was either erased or fused into an unreadable block of carbon. That includes articles, images, and paintings that were going to go up. Totally blows. Right now I'm writing to you via my old, old, OLD computer. While it does have Frontpage and lets me get on the Internet, it doesn't understand what a scanner is.....or any bit of technology invented or made after 1998. So it's totally useless for scanning any of the piles of Art I have lying all over the place. So the solution seems to be I need to get a new computer. Considering how bad my old one was getting, that's not a terrible thing. I just wish it'd died when we had the money to replace it. Until that happens, I'm not sure how I'm going to get back to updating the site regularly.

A few friends have suggested me putting up a donate button...and while I decide how I feel about that I will say this:

I don't want your charity, at least, not now. In fact, websites that regularly ask for your money bug me. But the thought of not being able to do what I've been doing with the site for the past year bugs me more. So again: If you were waiting to buy a painting or want to buy a painting, NOW is the time to do so. Seriously. If you like anything on the website just email me at OhgodtheRats@aol.com with an offer. If it hasn't sold already, it's your's.

:end public service announcement:

Nothing quite ruins your weekend like noticing that your computer is spewing smoke across the living room. Gah.

-jared

"who promises to be in a better mood the next time he posts something and apologizes for being dramatic but, well, hates the idea of Head Injury Theater going on hiatus due to a GOD-DAMN technical issue"

(PS: If you were one of the people that were already trying to buy a painting, please email me again as, since my computer died, I lost all my email addresses.)

Iocaine Powder: The Game

It's done. 70 cards all painted and inked...in just under 24 hours. The rules still need to be typed up but, quite frankly, I'm out of time. Reality has caught up to me and that's what I get for spontaneously starting an Art Crash without thinking ahead. Then again, I'm not sure if I would have ended up making this if I'd waited. My shelves are filled with notebooks full of random ideas that would be totally kick-ass if I wasn't so distracted with something else. Anyway, since I need to crash so that I can enjoy my weekend of dinner and dancing, you can all expect it to be posted on the site next week. In the meantime, please enjoy a peek at a few of the cards:

I'm kind of happy how they turned out. On that note, I'm getting some sleep.

-jared

"End Art Crash #4"

Art Crash Implosion

Tell me this: Why the hell do I keep spontaneously starting Art Crashes after I've already been awake for ten hours prior to even getting the idea of doing it? Didn't I say I would remove the "no sleep" restriction as I can tell when my Art starts to suffer because of it? :sigh:

So here we are, just over twelve hours in. 70 cards have been inked and cleaned up....ready to be painted and put up on the site. The catch? I really didn't think this through. It's 10 in the morning and I've got a few errands to run in a little while....and I'm kind of tired already. Bah.

I will survive....but the whole "how fast can I finish this" vibe is getting thrown out the window for the sake of quality and sanity.

Damn it. Real life is intruding on my random Art spurts. Oh well.

And just to share SOMETHING, enjoy a quick scan of a few of the cars in their embryonic state:

I never said they looked good unfinished, but there they are nevertheless. More to come (in color), soon.

-jared

Art Crash, anyone?

I'm only posting this right now to keep myself accountable, but here's the story:

About a month ago, I was asked by a few people who play Kingdom of Loathing if I would draw their clan. I said sure, as long as there weren't too many people in the clan. Then I found out that there were over 50 people involved. Gah. AND they wanted a portrait of all of their characters together.
But I didn't back away. I didn't really have any ideas but I didn't run away.
:end backstory:

So today I was on the train looking at the 53 character descriptions and inspiration struck. Struck might be too mild a term. When the Muse was done raping me, I had a great idea: Turn their clan into a card game.
And then the 2nd inspiration struck. Why not do it all tonight?
So right now I'm illustrating 50+ characters on cards using a gaming system that I also came to me on the train. Yes, I'm a geek, but this is an interesting experiment nevertheless. No sleep until I get all of them painted.
God I'm excited.
-jared
"who knows he types like a psycho when he's in hardcore "Art Mode" and apologizes for it"

AOL News is awesome.

I'm already mentioned how the images and the headlines load at different speeds whenever I boot up my AOL account.
I found this one particularly amazing:

God I love AOL sometimes.

Oh and because it makes me happy:

I really have too much spare time. That's a good thing. Sometimes.

-jared

Party Signs....

I've got a weird tradition of doodling signs for any party we end up having. While I'm still hurting from the party, I figured I'd share a few of the pieces that I used to label the door as well as the men's and women's restrooms.

Signs that scare or confuse your guests are always a good thing.

-jared

Head Injury Theater and Gaming....

If anyone out there is tech-smart and would like to suggest a way to capture images from my television, I would be forever in their debt. I raise the plea because there are just some things I'd love to review, but right now the "taking picture of the television screen" technique sucks on toast. Also if you like the reviews on the site, and you like gaming.....with your help the two could combine in horrid splendor. B-movies are one thing...but you have no idea how long I've been yearning to document and mock the crap that's thrown at us in video games. I'm not terribly geeky, but that doesn't mean I don't want to expose you to stuff like this:

In most RPG's, there are all sorts of "status ailments" that can get you down. Poison, Petrify, slow, even "turned into a frog" are all relatively common. I'd like to thank Square-Enix for adding "HOLY CRAP MY ASS IS ON FIRE" as one of the new cutting edge ailments for you to enjoy in one of their latest games, Radiata Stories. Ass. on. Fire. Awesome.

Oh and if you were curious, the cure to "ASS ON FIRE" is the item: Cooling Spray (for your ass).

Well, I'm off. If any of you want to suggest a method to or tell me what I need to get good images off my Playstation 2 or just my television, I'd love to hear it.

-jared

Holy Crap, I'm OLD(er)!

Ah, birthdays. Days of cake, presents, and parties....all to celebrate surviving yet another year. Well, not exactly that...but you know what I mean. Personally I love my birthday. Just in time to get me over the post-Halloween depression but still far enough away from Christmas to not affect my much loot I rake in. Life is good.

That doesn't change the fact that I'm OLD this year.

A few of you have been wondering how old I am (for a variety of reasons I'm sure). Be amazed: today I turn 26. I know that's not old. I know people who are older than me who I'd never say were anything but young. All I know is that from my own perspective when I was a teenager I'm ancient. Let me tell you a story.

When I was 9 I made a time capsule. Well, it's less a time capsule and more a message to my future self. Originally I was supposed to open it when I turned 13. When you're 9 years old, 13 seems impossibly far away. When 13 rolled around, I realized I felt like I'd just left the capsule to myself...so I decided to open it when I turned 18, since THAT age seemed so very far away. Suffice to say, my 18th birthday has come and gone and I've still left the thing unopened to this day. I'm not sure I want to open it. It's like admitting you're "the age" or something. Bah.

Of course I'm kidding about all the melancholy Birthday Blues. I'm thrilled about today. Today's the day I get to open the damn presents my family mailed me early that I've had to stare at for the past month. Today's also my annual "Jared gets re-introduced to video games" day. If you're like me and don't set aside a "geek budget," then birthdays and X-mas are really the only times to get your gaming addiction fed properly.

So, if you'll excuse me, my older woman has made a cheesecake with my name on it.

-jared

PS: Chaly (an online friend and by coincidence (I swear) the 2nd place winner in the "Name the Monsters" constesty thing) sent me a bit of Birthday Art.

The spookiest thing is how that's EXACTLY what I would say. It's also the same damn thing I said when I saw the above picture. Thanks for the gift Chaly. You rock.

Theme Months and "Abe is Special"

Well, the Halloween Special is REALLY over. I'd have to say I kind of enjoyed having a "theme" month...I feel the Art ended up being a bit better than usual (though obviously less surreal). While I can't imagine myself designating each and every month its own theme, I do plan on doing it again sometime down the road. As such, I'm goofing around with ideas for themes. Here's a random bunch just off the top of my head:

-Since a BUNCH of people seem to dig the comics section, I'm tempted to update the site with a new comic for each day of the month. Going a step further, I was thinking of making the comics "topical." Take this for example. It's too topical for me and too obscure and news-referential for me to do anything else with it. It's funny...but only in a very narrow universe.

(You can find the full story here: http://edition.cnn.com/2005/EDUCATION/10/31/american.girl.protest.ap/index.html)

Um. Yeah. I'm not completely sold on the "topical" aspect because I hate the news, but it might be nice for a change to just throw a horde of comics at you for a month... I'm still unsure.

-"The Color Blue." When I criticize my own work, I often accuse myself of pulling a "paint by numbers" thing more often than I should. Just to be weird I'd try painting only in black, white, and some random color.

-A month of Wacom Tablet art. Sure, it'll be REALLY different...and might even suck. Who knows? It'll force me to learn.

-The idea of a "Geek Rock" month (or even a series of them) might be fun. By "Geek Rock" I mean stuff including roleplaying, gaming, and other such dork fun. People have already suggested I try painting every Megaman Boss (there are 96 if you only count the original series), a bunch of Final Fantasy monsters, and even a World of Warcraft set (I know nothing of WoW, but that doesn't stop people from making demands). The idea of painting stuff I wouldn't usually do is keen....but I don't know if indulging my own (and your) secret geek love for a full month will leave me feeling anything but empty.

-Instead of random art, I give you a story. While I'm still goofing around with doing anything narrative, I've got plans on painting one up.

Those are just ideas that spring to mind, but "theme months" are something that I've been thinking about ever since I realized how much I enjoyed this one. Thank you for tolerating my "OMG should I paint this?" rambling. I'm slowly but surely becoming what I hate. I try to avoid talking about what I "plan on" doing, since often times I get distracted and forget. Take my Tarot Deck plans for instance. Hell, that could be another theme. I've got such a weird work ethic. Let's move on.

Your prize for reading through this hodgepodge of chaos is this:

http://www.headinjurytheater.com/abe.htm

(I told you I couldn't restrain myself from posting it early.)

-jared

PS: If any of the three people reading this want to make suggestions for theme months, now's not a bad time to chime in.

Abe Lincoln is VERY special.

I told you I'd do it. After my original Art Crash that produced "Jerome is Special" ended, a friend Xeroxed a picture of Abraham Lincoln and challenged me to try to do the same thing with it. If you've been reading the Blog, you'd know this. What you might not know is this:
It's done. It's been done. It's only 20-so paintings deep but it is indeed a story featuring Abe Lincoln. Behold:

Good news: It is a mini-sequel to "Jerome is Special." It's still about ABraham Lincoln, but Jerome's crab figures in heavily. You'll see. For whatever reason I've had crabs on the brain lately.

Bad news: I'm just teasing you by showing you this right now, as I have to rearrange some stuff on the site before I can share the whole thing. It (and more) will be included in next update. This is me trying to pretend I'm responsible enough to create a buffer of content for the site. In reality, I'll probably break down and share it at the first possible opportunity...damn it. I hate knowing myself this well.

In other artsy news the next Art Crash should be happening soon. The non-linear experimental narrative (whatever that is, right?) is pretty much ready to be churned out...I'm just waiting for a couple of days that I don't have to go to sleep to come by.

-jared

"who is refraining from even mentioning the "Welton Colbert is Special" painting series because you'll have to wait until December to see them"

If only I could erase files from my brain...

A few of you know I watch a lot of movies. Of course "a lot" in this context means 3-4 different movies a day. It's all part of my painting ritual, but I have to admit the movie addiction came first. When this site started about two years ago, you really couldn't call it the same site that it is now. Basically the Death Toll, that list of bad movies and weird crap in them, WAS the original site. Things bloomed or mutated from there, but originally I wanted to include pictures with all the entries. Here's one entry that's haunted me for a while now.

In 1993, HBO cast Daryl Hannah as the lead in "Attack of the 50 ft. Woman." The film's not very good, despite having a lesser Baldwin brother in it. It does, however, have one of the most nightmarish visual gags ever.

Imagine this: Daryl Hannah is a giant. As such, she requires copious amounts of common products. People in a diner look in weird fascination as a giant Revlon truck roles by followed by a giant Head and Shoulders shampoo truck. And then, this drives by:

:blink blink:

Wow. A giant douche truck.

I know it's supposed to be a throw-away joke, but I can't help but think what this is implying. Are their Vaginal technicians armed with hoses helping Daryl with this procedure? Did Summer's Eve design a GIANT product just to clean out Daryl's crotch? I can accept that this film wants me to think about a giant woman's genitalia. "Oh my God! She's huge! Get it? It's funny!" That I can accept. When the director starts trying to pull attention to a giant woman's FILTHY genitalia....that's a whole other story.

I don't want to talk about this anymore. My therapist said that if I shared it on the blog the nightmares would go away.

"Can't sleep, Daryl Hannah's giant crotch will eat me, Can't sleep, Daryl Hannah's giant crotch will eat me...."

Ick.

-jared