Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Just a moment...

Jared is currently having technical difficulties. As in, my server doesn't want to let me upload anything new. I'll sacrifice a goat or something to it and see if that doesn't do the trick.

Oh and in other news, I'm the creative consultant for an Opera production of Macbeth. The weird theme? It's going to revolve around voodoo. Concept and design art to be posted as soon as I get permission from the powers that be.
-jared

PS: Voodoo Macbeth. Come on. That's just awesome. And very, very surreal.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Thunder & Mud.....God hates me.

I've got a game I play with the people at my video store. Since they've got like 30,000 movies there and a lot of them aren't on display anymore (not enough shelf space), I've taken it upon myself to just guess video ID numbers and taking home whatever the hell it is. Usually it's something boring or, well, VHS tape 237 from the X-files series edition 3 (or something like that). But today? Today it hurt.

I randomly requested the number for a wrestling film. A Mudwrestling film. I swear, fate gave me this. When I randomly said "Why don't you give me....8943?" I had no idea what doom I was calling down upon me.
Featuring big hair bands (I mean, Heavy Metal) from the most embarrassing point in the decades past. Check this out:
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Even funnier, they called it "Thud" on the actually cassette. But yes. I watched a movie that features hair bands where the men look like girls and the girls look like mud monsters with floppy girlie parts flailing mud every which way.
Lucky me.

I know I'm a guy but mud wrestling just doesn't do anything for me. I looked at all the guys in the audience and had to ask: Why not just rent some porn? Or hell, go to a strip club? Or is the fact that you're supposed to be surprised when "Candy the Destroyer" rips off her opponents bra and strangles her with it? (Yes, I saw that tonight.) Ok, bad example, that did surprise me. But then again, I don't get the joy of wet t-shirt contests. I mean, I DO and if one was going on I couldnt' help but pay the most attention possible to it....but I wouldn't hunt it down.

By the way here's the description of "Thunder & Mud" on rottentomatoes:

"A dazzling mosaic of hot guitar licks and even hotter gorgeous grapplers as the top stars of female mud wrestling battle it out for their favorite bands in this wall-shaking, eye-popping, erotic assault on the senses."

Dear lord, I actually watched a film that's told me who the "top female mud wrestlers" were back in 1990. Wait a second. Doesn't that imply there are professional male mud wrestlers out there too?
I disbelieve.
-jared

PS: This post is a bit of motivation....I'm finally getting around to updating the Pornographic Nightmare Fuel section. :shudder:

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Bother!

Does this week's banner not make sense to you? Check out Neil Cicierega's "Potter Puppet Pals". I stumbled on to this last week and, well, I can't get it out of my brain.
Neil's name might ring a bell...he's the guy behind that "Ultimate Showdown" song that haunts my nightmares with lyrics about Chuck Norris and his mighty thighs. You can find his music by clicking here. If you haven't seen "The Ultimate Showdown" I suggest starting right there.

On the comic this week: Just to prove I do have limits, I almost didn't post the comic currently up on the site. Here's the same joke in a more....conservative form. When I came up with the line I loved the joke but, well, didn't know if actually illustrating the birth was going too far. From the looks of the comic on the site, I decided to go for it anyway. View the "Family Friendly" version by clicking on the word....um.... uterus. Not as funny but proof that I try to worry about this stuff. Try. Sometimes.

Oh and dear God, it feels good to be writing regularly again.
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-jared

PS: Dear Lord, why do I want to call the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie cool? What's wrong with me?
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The answer: Because TMNT was the first Toy/Movie/Cartoon phenomenon I really got into. I was too young to really get into Transformers and He-man. Sure, I had the toys but my first kid obsession involved ninjas, turtles, and lots of cowabunga. Shameful, I know.
I still have to confess the new movie doesn't suck. In fact, it's got a pretty unique narrative structure. By "unique" I mean for a movie that's sort of reaching a new generation it totally just ASSUMES you know the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and deals with the meta-plot that the fans (ex-fans) loathe. Mike is no longer a tard. Well he is, but they only put him in the movie for like, 3 seconds. Most of the movie is about Raphael, the goth emo turtle that wants to be Batman. Damn it. Don't make me review Ninja Turtles. It'll only hurt everyone involved. But looking at it now, it'd just be so freaking easy. :sigh:
Curse you childhood. I'll have my revenge some day.

Friday, August 10, 2007

Che Guevara: Corporate Whore Icon

That last post of mine was damn preachy. As such, I'll keep this short and sweet....I'm sure the horror will wash over you all the same.
If you don't know who Che Guevara is don't be too embarrassed. I didn't know his story though I had seen his face on lots of t-shirts worn by hippies and weird "politico" college friends. Of course, you can buy a t-shirt with his face on it at Hot Topic or even Walmart if your timing is right. If you know anything about Che, you already know he's got to be rolling around in his grave. This is only when you think about the corporations cashing in on the guys image. I'm not saying it's bad to have him on a t-shirt. I'm just saying it's weird that a person my age only knows him as that "T-shirt hippy guy".
Before I get preachy again, why do I bring this up? Because of what I found at the corner store yesterday:
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Che Energy? "Taste the Revolution of Energy?" Sweet Jesus.
Thank you Austria. Check out their site:
http://www.cheenergy.com/

Oh and if you actually check out the site, take a look at the ingredients. One of them is listed as "flavour". Not a specific flavour, but PURE flavour. Spooky.
-jared

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

The Hell is Seignorage?

Disclaimer: Please forgive me while I talk about quarters. I'm a dork.

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Seigniorage is the profit the government makes when it prints out new currency. Sort of. The reason I bring it up goes back to 1999, when the US government decided to start printing collectible quarters for each state in the order that they joined the Union. Not that interesting. Each quarter was given, and I quote, a "design honoring its unique history, traditions and symbols, usually designed by a resident of that state and chosen by the state government."

Ok. I get it. So we either get things that are very traditional on the quarter (see above) or something that pretty much sums up how awesome a state is. Take Florida's for instance:
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Quarter sums it up nicely. Beaches, one of the first states to be discovered, and, well, that whole kick-ass NASA thing. The quartera never really got my attention until a certain one found it's way into my wallet. I looked at it in disbelief. While other states are putting up slogans and historical events on their quarters, what did the state of Alabama put? Alabama, capital of the confederacy. The state that housed the early industrial center of young America. Sure it has a reputation for slavery, racism, and backwardness, but surely the state would bring its good traits to light for this special currency minting event?
Maybe not.
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The best thing about Alabama is, according to the state itself, may well be the fact that Helen Keller was born there. Possibly one of the most famous American Socialists that was known for overcoming her handicaps....I still find it very strange that out of ALL of Alabama's history the "spirit" of Helen Keller's courage is the most memorable thing they could present. That's as if Florida put the band Creed on their Quarter saying "Hey Guys, Creed came from our state, aren't we awesome?". Said quarter would have the slogan "With arms wide open" on a scroll with a palm leaf next to it.
:sigh:
Don't ask me why I brought this up. It bugs me and, well, yeah. It just does. Helen Keller was awesome but she's not exactly the cultural icon that she used to be. Hell, that whole "holy crap she's a freaking Socialist" got her in quite a bit of trouble back in the day. Oh and for really freaky trivia, while she was in Japan in 1937 she picked up a dog named "Kamikaze". Which is really, really creepy considering what was about to go down a few years later during World War 2. Maybe the Japanese, who named the dog for her, named it such as a bit of foreshadowing. Or as a joke. I don't know. All I know is that Helen Keller who was NOT the first person in recorded history to learn to speak despite being deaf and blind (google Ragnhild Tollefsen K├ąta, who inspired Helen to learn to talk) might not be the best way to summarize the accomplishments of one of the states of America.
I'll shut up now.
-jared