Are actors human?

Sometimes it really scares me what, according to Hollywood, a normal person looks like with their clothes off. Hollywood's got a long tradition of having the most plastic women and the most athletic men taking their clothes off. In the past week I've seen two really scary examples of this.

Movie #1: Madman (1982)
The movies basically about this crazy guy who killed his family with an ax that's now lurking in the woods like some sort of crazy zombie. Ok, its just like Friday the 13th, coming out at an early peak of slasher film interest. There's not much to say about the actual film until you get to the required sex scene (because only real actresses take off their clothes). There's a slow jacuzzi scene where a young couple strips and gets, well "at it" as it were it. While they show the woman taking off her clothes this film is oddly liberated by showing the man strip as well. However, this does give us this shot:

Let's ignore the fact that he's got his initials (TP) on his belt bucket. That's a WHOLE different problem. Instead, let's focus on the fact that his belly button seems to be crowning. Now I'm not superstar but you'd think that they'd cast someone who didn't have a MUTATED part of their body in the "take off your clothes" role. Can you imagine them on the set the day this scene was shot.
Director: "Ok Chris, go ahead and take off your clothes."
:pause:
Director: "Chris, why is you stomach winking at me? What the HELL IS THAT?!?"

Then again maybe I'm going about this the wrong way. Maybe EVERONE on the the film's crew had mutant outie bellybuttons of death. This one just happens to be the "sexiest." :shudder:

Move #2: The Amityville Horror (2005)
Ok. Now let's ignore that this is a remake. I honestly kind of liked this movie....I couldn't help it. By the way for those of you curious, the people who made this film said that this was a remake and not ANOTHER sequel to the Amityville Horror. The only problem with that is that each sequel was effectively just another remake of the original, what with a new family moving into the house of doom and getting royally paranormally screwed. Here's where I point out this remake is technically the SEVENTH Amityville movie. Gah.
Back on topic: Ryan Reynolds plays the lead (guy who goes crazy) in Amityville Horror. Now I've got two things to say about Ryan Reynolds.
1. At least in this movie he didn't play a flaming homosexual action star. Ryan also played "Hannibal King" in Blade Trinity. Now the Blade series may not be high cinema, but at least it's good for a dose of action. Nothing ruins a good action movie than having a main character (who also does the narration) that has THE ulimate homosexual cliche lisp. I can't help it. He's playing a homosexual with a speech impediment and it's ridiculous. Shooting people while screaming "I feel THuper, Thweetie!" is just terrible. If I was homosexual I'd be offended at his portrayal. So um yeah. The first film I saw Ryan Reynolds it: He ruined it. Lets go on.
2. Now for Amityville Horror (2005) Ryan had to work about a little bit. I don't mean to say he worked out a tiny bit. I mean he worked out until his body became disfiguritively buff. I don't know if "disfiguritively" is a real word, but god damn it fits. I think so because when a female friend of mine watched the movie with me she started freaking out when he took off his shirt...but not in a good way. Let's have a look:

The picture doesn't convey the horror, but let's just put it this way. He's worked out so much that his back looks like his front and his abs have been toned to the point that they've become segmented like a carapace. He's more or less walking around with some sort of obscene fleshy exoskeleton on and it's supposed to be normal. If you find this attractive, go you. It's just a funny example of something that is SOOOOOO not normal being passed off as normal.
Most normal business men do not have bodies like this. Hollywood hires people that are so detached from ordinary life that whatever they present to us isn't what we know. The same thing happens with women in regard to their bodies, but I figured I'd just take a moment to highlight that it does happen with men.
Sort of to offset that terrible thing I added to the site this week.
-jared

Stranger on a Train....

The following is a mostly accurate account of a conversation I had with a stranger that just approached me on the subway while I was doodling in my art pad. The second to last thing he said to me will be with me forever.

Weird Guy: "I like drawing"
Jared: :blink blink: ummmmm. Thanks?
WG: The best drawer was Albert Giaconetti.
J: Oh. I don't know him.
:stranger steals my pencil and writes name on paper:
WG: I met Max Hetzler today.
J: I'm afraid I don't know him either.
:stranger steals pencil and writes down name:
WG: He's very famous.
J: I'm not as cultured as I might appear.
WG: He's rich too.
J: Uh-huh. Figured.
WG: Not like me though....I'm on social welfare.
J: :saying nothing:
WG: But I have lots of money now because my mother just died.
J: :blink blink: That's.....mixed emotions I guess.
WG: I want to paint you.
J: Excuse me?
WG: I was trained in Paris by (insert long french name that he didn't steal my pencil for)...I'm very good.
J: :pause: Thanks but I'll pass. Thanks though.
WG: You have girlfriend in Berlin?
J: Ummmm. No. I have a WIFE.
WG: Ah, that is good. You have children?
J: No. Hells no.
WG: What is wrong with your wife's WOMB?
J: :has no idea what to say to that:
WG: I'm a Buddhist...I know kung fu.


I wish this was a joke but that was the conversation almost verbatim. God my life is random sometimes.
-jared

What is an Art Crash night?

I figured a few of you (as in that one guy who keeps sending me the viagra emails) might want to know how I do, well, what I do. This is an image of some of the stuff I finished early Wednesday morning...some of them need to be touched up again and/or inked but I thought it might be fun to show you how scarily productive I can be sometimes. They'll all show up on the site eventually but in the meantime you can gaze at my unfinished paintings. Because you know you're interested. Admit it.

I have no idea why I started calling my hardcore work nights "Art Crash" nights. I think it has something to do with the fact that I paint until I have to crash. Or something like that. So here's my ritual:
Rent a minimum of three movies, hopefully with some sort of connection between them. While renting a series of movies (like Child's Play 1, 2, & 3) is sometimes fun, I try to be a little weird about what the film has in common. For example I did 3-D night a while back; renting Amityville 3-D, Friday the 13th Part 3, and 13 Ghosts (in Spectra-vision or whatever). Tuesday however I wanted to do a "scary Cop" night. While attempting to rent Samurai Cop, Scanner Cop (technical Scanners 4), and Demon Cop.....I got thwarted. Samurai Cop wasn't in English and Demon Cop had been rented never to return. I ended up getting Scanner Cop, Bad lieutenant, and I love a Man in Uniform (one of the best films I've ever seen....really.)
Now that you've got your movies....
put them in and Paint, Paint, Paint. Art Crash nights aren't for painting any one particular thing....I use them for experimentation. Experiments like: "What happens when I paint on metal?" or "How many different ways can I draw mutant scary teeth?" I put plastic over everything and start painting. When I'm done with one I start another. By the time I'm done with a few more down the line the first one is dry and I can retool it/add another layer of paint and begin the whole process again. It ends up as sort of an Artistic version of the Tea Party from Alice in Wonderland, as I rotate where I sit every fifteen/thirty minutes. Also it might be important to mention that many times I drink and smoke far too much during an Art Crash night....it really depends on my mood. This obviously affects what I paint but I like to think what movies I watch have more of an influence on me. I LIKE to think that.
Fun Fact: Jared can tell you what movie or movies he was watching when he painted anything on the site. Almost. Or so he pretends. He also occasionally types about himself in the Third Person. Occasionally.
Anyway I think I'm just writing this because I didn't sleep Tuesday night and was up late (being social and still painting) Wednesday. So I'm STILL tired. All in all, I finished over twenty paintings as part of my Art Crash night. Which is kind of cool to realize after you're done. It's also kind of weird when you notice you had some sort of subliminal command telling you to paint cartoony deep-sea Angler fish. Over and Over again. Maybe I SHOULD sleep. I keep trying to, but catch myself painting more. I think I may have a problem.

-jared

Brimstone: The Book

I read books occassionally. Not as much as I should, but I still get around to it when one strikes my fancy. While I was on vacation in the States I got suckered into buying a copy of Douglas Preston's & Lincoln Child's "Brimstone". In case you didn't know, these were the guys that wrote a great bit of horror known as Relic. Let me give you the text on the back:

"A Body is found in the attic of a fabulous Long Island estate.

There is a claw mark print scorched into the wall, and the stench of sulfur chokes the air.

When FBI Special Agent Pendergast investigates the gruesome crime, he discovers that thirty years ago four men conjured something UNSPEAKABLE.

Has the Devil come to claim his due?"

Before passing judgement about what this book is about let me show you the cover:

and the inside cover:

Now based on the information given, what do you think this book's about?

If you guessed that it's a mystery revolving around a fat Italian who invents a microwave gun and has his plans completely ruined by a disgusting MOLE he has on his chest by a detective who's basically a clone of Sherlock Holmes who can do no wrong who happens to be paired up with a stupid out-of-shape cop who can't shoot no matter how many times the main character talks about his "excellent aim"....then your guess would be right. The story's about a fat Italian inventor that builds robot Parrots in his free time that happens to be after a magic violin (think the movie The Red Violin with Samuel Jackson). The main character Agent Aloyisius Pendergast is the perfect man that does everything right...so of course he's got an immortal librarian working for him and an evil brother that's out ot destroy the world. The whole "Evil Brother" thing was obviously meant for a future novel mainly because it shows up only randomly in this book. Gah. I mentioned it before but the "Cop" character, the one the reader follows around for the majority of the book, is annoying because he's 100% foil to how cool Pendergast is. Simply put, up until page 600 he doesn't really do ANYTHING right while Pendergast does everything perfectly right. I hate it when authors design a character so poorly that they don't have flaws. Oh wait. He does have a flaw. An evil twin brother that's out to destroy humanity. :sigh:

Way to go immature character development:

"OMG! IN MY BOOK I'M GOING TO HAVE SPECIAL AGENT RAVEN DARKSTEEL....AND HE'LL BE THE BEST AGENT ON FORCE AND EVERYONE WILL BE JEALOUS BECAUSE HE'S THE BEST AND PLAYS BY HIS OWN RULES BUT HE'S A LADIES MAN TOO THAT HAS LOTS OF SEX AND KNOWS HOW TO USE ALL SORTS OF MEGA-COOL SUPERWEAPONS AND HE'S ALSO A NINJA AND MASTER OF DISQUISE AND IF HE WANTED TO HE COULD FUCKING BLOW UP THE MOON HE'S THAT COOL. AND HE'LL HAVE A FAT LUMPY SIDEKICK TO TELL HIM HOW COOL HE IS AND TO BE JEALOUS WHEN HE GETS THE GIRL. OMG RAVEN DARKSTEEL IS THE COOOLEST!!!!"

I guess I'm just upset because the book started with the idea that Satan was killing people and this was a supernatural book and it turned into a detective story where the main character stares at a Italian's filthy mole to unravel a clue. Because only people in the secret Illuminati Masonic Guild have special magic moles on their chest. :shudder: Right. The dark masters of the world are also members of the "hairy mole club". Gah.

What pisses me off the most is this drek was on the best-seller list.

Now I have to go re-read Relic to get the taste of this book out of my mouth.

-jared

You didn't see this

:sigh:

Too terrible to put on the regular site, but too quotable for me to never share.
I'm so sorry.
-jared

Graphic Artists Guild?

There is a very ugly and terrible book on my shelf. Can you spot it?

Hint: It's between my MST3k guide and a gothic fetish fashion catalog.

Back story: A few of you know that the sales of from the website (which are very very appreciated) have paid my rent a handful of times. It's hella flattering that people want help support me over here as well as give up their hard-earned coin for something from me. Besides people buying stuff and commissioning paintings, I get the occasional offer to do something else, be it character design for someone's animation to a whole horde of bizarre but mega-cool requests/projects. However, as I've heard from other online artist/cartoonist/doodlemen/whatever, you hear a lot of offers that people aren't really serious about. (There was a company interested in taking one of my designs for a stuffed animal....but I haven't heard zilch from them in what seems like forever.) A few months ago a website that shall remain nameless asked if I had a "fair market price" in mind for selling the rights to one of my images with the intent of using it as their new logo as well as merchandising swag and what-not.

I had no idea so I said I'd get back to them. Doing a little research I found out there was one book that had nothing but "fair market prices": The Graphic Artists Guild Handbook: Pricing and Ethical Guide. The book is mostly useless to me beyond learning the legalities of selling art mainly because the prices are COMPLETELY INSANE for any non or monstly non-established artists. It gives the minimum and maximum prices (only as guidelines) but because even the minimum is something that only a corporation could really pay. Then again the handbook's for "professionals" but there's not much of a section on fair prices for lowly internet folks like myself. Anyway that's not why I'm talking about the book.

I'm talking about the book because everytime someone's in my studio (that's the fancy name for my living room) and they see the bookshelf they always seem to notice the ginormous "Pricing and Ethical" book. A few of them read it as the "Piercing and Ethical Guide" and don't ask, but that's not as common a mistake as you'd think.

The irony of this book is the fact that it's published by the Graphic Artist Guild and it's such an ugly book it makes people scream and stagger back in repulsion. I'm not exaggerating. A friend pulled it off my shelf yesterday and actually dropped it saying "What the Hell is That"? My friend might have been over-reacting but well, take a look at it yourself.

Man. You'd think the Graphic Artists Guild would have a better grasp on, well, the graphic arts that people like to look at. (My theory is that the book was actually compiled by the lawyers and bureacrats behind the Guild and no artist were involved. But still. LOok at the damn thing.)

I'm not bitter, but I haven't heard a single person call the cover art for the Guild's legal handbook anything but repulsive. Sorry Lou Brooks (the artist behind this eyesore). Then again, I can't apologize too much to you. According to the handbook itself, you were paid anywhere between $2,000 to $8,000 for this masterpiece.

You lucky bastard.

-jared

(who isn't bitter....not. at. all.)

Live Journal = Drama

You know, I try to avoid all internet dramas and Live Journals in particular. It's nothing against normal bloggers/live journal/etc people, it's just that I just have trouble reading people's diaries....diaries that are designed to be read by other people. :shrug: It's not for me.
That said I set up this bad boy as sort of a sounding board....for irregular whatever. What can I say?
Back on topic:
Before I start, I'm sure any Live Journal-User probably knows about this already, so skip to the picture at the bottom and be done with this entry.
A Lot of people out there had been keeping up with the Live Journal drama found here:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/city_glitter/844427.html .
A sad, sad story revolving around a cat being burned. Lots of people donated money, auctioned off things, sent in their paychecks...A great humanitarian response.
Then some investigative reporting done here: http://www.livejournal.com/users/foxfur/ followed by a confession here: http://www.livejournal.com/users/city_glitter/847289.html
and we find out it's a hoax. Jesus Christ is that shady. They say it's a social experiment. Wow.

So basically a cat gets burned horribly, a bunch of people help out, and later find out it was nothing but lies. I can't imagine what kind of response the next person who tries to raise money for their cat's burn treatments.

Live Journal teaches us all sorts of important life lessons. Like never trust anyone. Ever.
-jared

Elf Love

Why is it that all elves in cartoons, movies, or whatever always look like they're trying really, really hard to be heterosexual? Even elderly "wise" elves just look like trolls you'd see in a gay nightclub (Mr. Smith from Lord of the Rings for example). I think it has something to do with their heavy make-up, long hair, soft clothing (which often includes a skirt), and their high heels. Oh wait. That's drag queens. I get the two confused sometimes.
On a related note:

You didn't see this. Go away.
-Jared

(Well, I painted it and had to share it somewhere. You were warned. Sheesh.)

MARITIME MYSTERY MULLED!

The following is an abridged report from AOL news (with "Maritine Mystery Mulled" being the article's title. God I hate alliteration sometimes):
"Japan Investigates Giant Column of Steam in the Pacific
Officials Think Volcanic Eruption May Be the Cause of the Strange Water Vapor Plume

TOKYO (July 3) - Japanese coast guard officials said Sunday they believe an underwater volcanic eruption has caused a 3,300-foot high column of steam to rise from the Pacific Ocean near Iwo Jima.
The vapor was reported Saturday after Japanese troops stationed on the small island observed the massive, cloudy plume rise from the sea about 30 miles southeast of the island, said Maritime Self-Defense Forces Hiroshi Shirai….The survey crew also found grayish mud rising up from the bottom of the ocean, but it was not immediately known whether any volcanic gases are being released….The location is known as Fukutokuoka-no-ba, an undersea volcano which last erupted in 1986 for three days, Sato said."

Is it just me or does this sound and look like the start of almost EVERY Godzilla film ever made? Undersea volcano, mysterious smoke that no one can explain (officials only have Theories), strange mud floating to the surface....what unholy creature has been unleashed and when is it going to Tokyo?
-Jared