Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Web Flashback: Jesus.com

Don't ask me why I've started revisiting the websites that I used to look and laugh at years ago. It may have something to do with the fact that I've been stuck with having to use my old 486 until my new computer arrived. (I'm typing on it now. It's still buggy, but I'll be up to speed soon.)
Jesus.com. Years ago, if you typed in Www.Jesus.com , you would get this:
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I only made a mental footnote of it because it amused the crap out of me that a church didn't get it. In case you're not exactly sure of what Jesus.com was, let me break it down for you. Some random hippy that looks a hell of a lot like the traditional Jesus set up a website so you could date and potentially take a romantic bath with him. Seriously. There was (and is) all sorts of information on the site about how wonderful it is to take a shower with the guy (Jesus). Still not convinced?
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See? Awesome.
The sad thing (or maybe the great thing, depending on who you are and how you think) is that Jesus ended up selling Jesus.com to the McChurch (seriously) so it's officially a church site now. Albeit a slightly weird one about transgenderism and Kwanzaa....but a church never the less. Jesus moved his online personal ad here:
Check it out. And don't ask me why 2 of the 3 web flashback posts have to do with Jesus. I don't know either.

Friday, December 23, 2005

Holiday Audio and Edible Xmas Poop?

The Christmas Stuff is UP! The fact that it includes about a bunch of audio clips of me is kind of weird, but I figured someone out there would get a kick out of it. You can find it here:
Also I got some stuff from my family. Some of it was edible so I had to open it early. Imagine my expression when I found this:
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Super...dooper...reindeer..pooper. Just want I wanted. A toy reindeer that makes edible poop. It sort of frightens me. I mean, toys shouldn't have big gaping buttholes....
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Should they?
You know what really frightens me about this thing?
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The candy is really, really good. I suppose it would have to be considering how poop's already on the consumer's mind. Gah. I will say this though: Cola-flavored jellybeans taste better fresh from a plastic reindeer anus. Such statements are the epitome of eccentric, aren't they?
Thank you Mom, for mailing a plastic reindeer with edible crap overseas. You're awesome.

Back and the NIST

Well, I've just returned from my vacation. I've got stories to tell but right now I've got work to do. Expect the website to be updated with an entire horde of X-mas (and XXXmas) related madness. Or at least updated.
On a different note, if any of you are interested to see my goofy Art being used in the real world, click here:
While I was gone I got a bunch of emails from the National Institute of Standards and Technology. Obviously we worked something out. Neat, right? Screw you. I'm excited and flattered. So there.
"who is working on the site as you read this...but only if you're reading this NOW as opposed to later."

Thursday, December 15, 2005

An AOL Xmas

Jared reminds you that, despite what AOL says, do NOT put children in people's stockings this year. Even if they are perfect and little.
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Enjoy your Holiday everyone. See you next week, if I survive my Christmas vacation.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Nostalgia or Masochism?

If you've been an internet junkie for longer than 6 years, then you probably have seen some obnoxious stuff come and go. "All Your Base Are Belong to Us" jokes are way past their prime, but people still joke about it. You know what I hadn't heard from in a while? I'm sure you know it. What's the most obnoxious thing that everyone thought was really funny? Of course by "everyone" I mean people who are far too easily amused but...gah. In case you haven't figured out what I'm trying to allude to, the web-entity in question is the one and only: Hamster Dance. Sweet Jesus that thing was obnoxious. On a weird whim, (don't ask me why) I thought I'd check out the old Hamster Dance website. I was half expecting it to be gone, or replaced by some advertising company or a pet store's website or...well....something. What I found there was not only completely unholy but, if you can believe it, even more obnoxious than the original Hamster Dance. Behold:
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Oh. My. God. They "modernized" the Hamster Dance. Oh hell I'm not sure what the hell they did. Hamster Dance is now the property of "Hampton and the Hampsters," a dance group whose music seems to completely revolve are remixing that damn Hamster Dance song. Did I mention that you can email the individual members? So if you want to start writing erotic hamster fan fiction, feel free to send it to Fuzzy or one of the other members. Hell, now I want to start stalking a fictional hamster celebrity just for the ability to creep people out by saying: "Yes, I've waited outside Dixie's cage and stared at her tiny hamster wheel for hours. I love watching her delicate paws sweat as her hind legs pump hard against the wheel." Sorry if this isn't making much sense anymore, my brain is shutting down as you read this. I blame the fact that the Hamster Dance music is looped on my PC right now. So instead of me trying to salvage this entry, let me just end it.
Oh and because all terrible sites need to be spread around like a venereal disease, here you go:
Side note: Remember next week's update to the site will be late as I'll be stranded in the Austrian wilderness without a computer. Oh and I totally forgot that I was supposed to put both Kong articles on the site this week. I will tell you it's done, and if you're clever with numbers and have figured out my organizational system....then you can find it easily. Did I mention numbers already?
Enjoy your Holiday guys and keep an eye out for my Xmas gift that I'll post when I get back.

Monday, December 12, 2005

KingKong.com is very "special"

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While what I'm about to link to is part of this week's update (one of two articles), I wanted to bring special attention to it because, if I was smart, I would have posted it last week instead of the same day that the film comes out.
I mean really....who else is going to review the official movie site, KingKong.com? I'm glad I did...otherwise I wouldn't know to keep an eye out for the "giant butt spiders" that are supposed to be in Peter Jackson's new film.
Anyway, check it out if you're curious and want to see what Universal pays for when it gives a Dungeons and Dragon player total creative freedom.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

German Advertising Returns (again)

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That was on a billboard that was all over my neighborhood last year. Berlin is so surreal. I'm not even going to mention the fact that adult sex toys appear on billboards from time to time, with the motto "Pleasure Yourself."
Europe is awesome sometimes.

Saturday, December 10, 2005

Triple Topic: Tree, Trip, and T-shirt

The new computer is on its way. To everyone out there that helped out (or is still helping) you already know that you rock. In the meantime, let me ramble on about three different topics that have very little to do with one another (and I can't have the "OMG HE PAINTED IN BLOOD!" post sit at the top of the blog).
#1: The Monsterous Christmas Tree (because misspelling words is cute)
If you've been watching the site for a year, then you know what I do to my Christmas tree every year. Actually, now that I think about it, it's impossible for you to have been following the site for a year because it's not a year old until January 1st. Anyway, each year I get all arts and crafty (unlike every other day of my life) and add scary teeth and googly eye to my holiday tree. You can find the old tree in the Holiday section of the Strange Art page, but here's a picture of this year's bad boy:
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If any of you out there are interested in doing something similar and don't realize how retardedly easy it is to make a monster tree, I give you this:
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Enjoy your holiday. I have to admit though, if I ever own a house ALL the trees in the front yard will look like this year-round.
Topic 2: Next Thursday I'm going on vacation. That doesn't mean I have money, but my family cashed in some frequent flyer miles and condo points and got us an isolated cabin for a week in Austria. No phone, no internet, and only dog or horse-powered public transporation. If I didn't know better, I'd say this was the cliched plot of some bad horror movie. The bad news is that next week's update will be a couple days later than usual. This is my first warning. I will, however, be updating the site on the 23rd with all sort of Christmas Goodies. Actually I may put them in the next update, but I still need to sort out what's going on. Point is, next week's update's going to be late, but I'll be riding a horse back to civilization as fast as possible. A week without the internet. Why is that scary to me?
Topic 3: HOLY CRAP CAFE PRESS HAS BLACK T-SHIRTS! I don't care that you don't care. The biggest problem with Cafe Press from day one was their lack of black t-shirts. Now's when I confess to having never worn anything from my own store because of this. My manager revamped it a little (as well as finally getting around to telling me about the black t-shirts) but I'm excited because now there's actually stuff in there I'd wear...so I can stop feeling quite so guilty about having streak of capitalism nearby. Oh and if there was something you were waiting to buy, you might want to do it soon. I just noticed that almost ALL of the stuff on Cafe Press right now is OLD....and I'm sort of embarassed that it's still there. That also means that if you wanted to see something on a shirt now's the time to let me know. Now I'll just give you the stupid link:
Because we all know the only good T-shirts are black t-shirts.
Well, I've talked about Christmas Trees, Holiday vacations, and shameless merchandise. I think that pretty much covers the meaning of the season. Enjoy yourselves.

Never Bleed for your Art. Really.

A long, long time ago I posted the below comic. Some people liked it, others had a rather....er....odd criticism in regard to one part of the image.
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Some people were offended that I was trying to pass that off as blood spatter. As morbid as I get with some of this stuff, I would never cut myself for my art. Taking that a step further, I'm not really into the whole "releasing stress and tension by cutting myself with a knife and/or razor" scene. Everyone who does it has a different explanation for it but I just like my pretty skin too much to try it out.
Of course, back in October I cut myself pretty badly with a scapel while etching designs into dried acrylic. Purely by accident, I swear. Really. The problem is that when you're sleep deprived and suddenly your entire work station is covered in a red fluid that's supposed to be inside your body, you get weird ideas. Blood loss might have had something to do with it. So after bandaging myself up, I threw this together:
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I'm not a psycho...and I didn't even know if I should post this. But my friends got a kick out of it, though I think they were more amused at how hard I tried to prove that I didn't sit down to paint a picture of Kurt Vonnegut in my own blood. I may be weird, but I'm not that weird.
"who hopes that he never has the chance to paint in blood again"

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Art Crash Iocaine!

Remember that 23 hour Art Crash I did a while back? The one where I painted and came up with a card game all in one sitting? The very same weekend my computer imploded?
Maybe you don't remember. Huh.
Well, it finally got scanned in. Making a card game based off people's forum names and game identities ended up looking very, very dadaist in the end. Check it out.
The best part of this is the people I did this for are talking to printers so they can get a few decks made. That'll put me in contact with the right people....and might lead to me being able to do something with these other weird ass games I have lying on my shelf right now. I've got a few of them and they're also illustrated. Depending on how this whole drama goes, you might be seeing more stuff like this. That may be a good thing.
"who swears he's not a total dork, even though he makes and illustrates his own games on a regular basis"

Site Statistic Poetry #2

When you run a website, your host often includes nifty toys with your site's hosting package. Two features of this have always made me laugh. The Search Word Report and the Search Query Report. The first one's just a list of words people have entered into a search engine to find your site and the other is a list of phrases people have Googled to find you stuff. In mine you find popular phrases like: Wolfman has Nards, Exploding Midget Clowns, Nuked Women, Ron Jeremy crabs, Robin having sex with Beast Boy, and other charming phrases. I looked at the Search Word Report today and noticed that the order read like a bad porn magazine. Here are the "popular" words people look for when they stumble on my site in the order of descending popularity:
Baragon Teens of Hentai versus Frankenstein and the Sex Stafire women!
Nuked Meatholes love Emo Porn!
Johny 5 a Wolfman?
Robin Nards in Pictures!
Head Injury Midget.
:blink blink:
God damn it, you people are weird.
Computer Doom Update: Thank you everyone who's helping me out in this time of turmoil. The new computer is on its way and, even better, it's mostly paid for....thanks to reader like you. To everyone who bought a painting, donated, or is buying or donating: You rock.